Gardens in Bloom - An untraditional love story

Angie Zapata

2009-04-21T14:36:00.003-05:00

Lighting a candle today in memory of Angie and all the other GLBT victims of hate crimes. It's time to realize that the hate needs to stop.

Please visit:

http://www.angiezapata.com/

matthewshepard.org

and get involved!

Annie

Husky torpedo!!

2009-03-05T17:24:00.005-05:00

Hiya's, just a small update. The ribs are healing slowly (having a 40lb puppy torpedo you in the ribs hurts if you didn't know, be warned!). Mostly having pain when it's cold & rainy and bad aches when trying to sleep.

I go see a new Endo in April as the previous one refused to do the tests I asked of them, my GP (who rocks) ran the tests and found out my liver absorbs the pills way too much and could be the reason my estrogen levels were below what they should have been.

She's dumped the pills and put me on new patches till I go see the endo, these ones are HUUUUGE.

Annie, is still swamped so she's not posting much, she's also having sleep issues poor girl, she didn't realise how wiped this past year has made her. It's my birthday soon and I'm sending my doc a present of one of my photo's because if it hadn't been for her, I prob wouldn't be writing this right now.

Anyway, boss is due home shortly so gotta run lol

Later.

Happy New Year everyone

2009-01-07T09:10:00.004-05:00

Yeah I know it's late, so sue me. Wait don't, I have no money.

So it's been a while but things have been crazy as you can imagine. The ribs are healing and almost no pain at all for a couple of weeks now, except when I have been asleep or sneeze or try to lift something I'm not ready for like my 35 pound puppy :/

I saw the surgeon and he said the scars look great, I noticed he wasn't worried about the dwarf vampire bites above my navel, claiming they were from the chest drains uh huh.

Last year we had more than our quota of bad things coming in threes so this year we are hoping to have a break please.. k? thanks.

Hope you all have a good year,I'm sure Annie will be back soon, well as soon as the tidal wave ebbs from work.

Be nice to each other, you just never know. I was lucky.

Claire

Monday morning update

2008-11-10T09:10:00.001-05:00

So, we're still in the intensive care unit. We were supposed to get the chest tubes out and leave ICU on saturday to go to a regular room. It might happen today, but they aren't really sure yet.

Apparently, when the doctor went into her chest, he found a lot more than he bargained for. The main tumor was about 8cm around, and had apparently been growing on her spinal area for many years, and just kicked into overdrive the last few. There is a large vessel that supplies between the arms and is the main source of the left emptying and apparently supplying the right. Over the years, secondary vessels have grown into place because that main vessel was completely inside the tumor. As the tumor grew, it compressed the vessel until she only had a pencil point opening. She never could hold her arms above her head for more than a minute but never gave that a second thought. She had terrible arm pain for the last 2 years (that was diagnosed incorrectly as cubital tunnel syndrome) that was miraculously cured for a few months early this year and again about 3 months ago when she was sick and got antibiotics. It baffled all the doctors involved as to why nerve pain would be affected by antibiotics, since the tumor wasn't near the nerve bunch for the shoulder. But now we know. The teratoma was infected when they took it out. Apparently, when it would get really bad, that tumor would swell around the vessel and clamp it down further. There was no way to safely remove the vessel from the tumor, and because the secondary support was in place, the doctor chose to remove it. As a result, Claire's left arm is terribly swollen (twice normal size) and her hand and fingers were swollen so much that the skin was super stretched, looking at least twice as big as normal. Her right shoulder (the source of all the pain before the surgery when the tumor was infected) has been hurting her pretty badly since the op. This morning, her fingers finally are starting to look normal, but there is still a lot of swelling in her arm. Dr. Smith said she'll probably need some therapy with her left arm.

There was a second tumor in her thymus gland. Apparently it was about the size of an egg. Both were removed and initial results from pathology indicate they are benign.

Because they've had to treat her for an OD of morphine (they discovered she's apparently allergic to it), she's been given a lower acting dug. The morphine caused her to be put back on the respirator once (they thought it was actually sedative related at the time) and then later when they moved her onto morphine from something else, she fell asleep and stopped breathing. They gave her Narcan to counteract the Morphine at that point realized that she can't tolerate the morphine. The pain relief now isn't really isn't touching her pain when she moves, coughs, or takes a deep breath. That is making it excruciating for her to try and do breathing exercises and walk around, so we're way behind schedule on chest tube removal. We're also at really high risk for a bad case of pneumonia still. Once the chest tubes come out, her pain will decrease, but it's a catch 22. Until the pain abates a little, she really is under-functioning right now. They are continuing antibiotics to try to prevent sepsis (from the infected tumor) and pneumonia.

They have her off the saline now, and her blood pressure is somewhat normalized finally, so now we'll have to see how she does trying to eat and drink on her own.
They are being wonderful and letting Kiddo and I stay around the clock in the ICU. I'm sure the fact that we're both trained as first responders helps our case, but it's also critical for panic control for Claire, who is still very afraid to sleep now. As I write this, she's sleeping lightly beside me. They are about to sit her up and see if she can get the tubes out in about 10 minutes.

Annie

Coming to you live from the ICU...

2008-11-09T06:58:00.000-05:00

Claire is responding well to the neosynephrine to raise her blood pressure and is tolerating the demerol nicely. Although she's not getting the amount of pain relief she would with morphine, she is breathing on her own, and she's pretty sure that's a good thing.

They got her out of bed and made her sit up for 45 minutes, and had her breathing using a little machine that measures inhalations. Being the tenacious Brit that she is, she has the staff trained already to try to give ME the jobs that result in her griping. Current count of nurses called mean, sadistic or "just not nice" now up to 4. She's hitting the 500 mark on the breathing machine, and she should be doing 1000-1500 if fully healthy. It's not bad, but she definitely is behind the curve a bit due to the two lost days. She states simply that she's "never really been one for sports, and I'm sure MODERN hospitals have a computer that can do this for me..."

Although the "reclining" chair kept trying to (quite noisily) eat me all night, and they have the room at sub-arctic standards, it helped her a lot knowing she had someone here, and wasn't afraid to try to go to sleep. She did sleep in short spurts, and I think I got a whopping 2 hours of sleep. I did get to smuggle cookies in yesterday evening and hoard them, which turned out to be a good thing at 2am when there was no hospital food to snitch from the unsuspecting patient. In an attempt to not trigger the chair's hunger, I learned just how small of a ball I can curl up in to sleep.

Hopes are high that our superwoman will be able to have her chest tubes removed today. Informed sources state that she should find her pain decreased by 30%-50% once that is accomplished.

2:15 am sunday, update

2008-11-09T02:22:00.002-05:00

Hi all, posting from the ICU. Thanks for all the prayers and thoughts. I'm in a calmer place now.

They allowed me to spend the night in the ICU to act as Claire's anti-anxiety med. Kiddo is at home, snuggling with puppies and resting.

Claire was finally given the clear to test demerol in her system at 12:30 this morning. blood pressure is now stable in the 92/45 - 99/49 range, and she is finally getting some sleep. She was terrified to let herself fall asleep because she's now afraid she'll stop breathing. If this doesn't get her over her gigantic medical phobia, I don't know what will. Talk about facing down some serious damn demons.

So, she's been on nothing but Tylenol for about 8 hours, and it was really taking its toll. It also meant that trying to get her to stand and walk has been impossible. The plan is to give her more demerol later his morning and attempt just that.

She has pneumonia starting in both lungs. Not totally unexpected. However, I was told that the teratoma the doc removed was very infected, and she's at very high risk for sepsis. They are treating her with broad spectrum antibiotics to try to counter both. Her shoulder is in terrible pain, where we think the teratoma was interfering with nerves in her arm before. The resection turned out to be a lot worse on her than imagined.

Thank god she went through with it.

Looks like we're probably looking at another full day in the ICU. Claire has had little moments of letting her humor surface, like when she looked at Kiddo today and said "Nope. I don't think I'm escaping on Monday." Not much, but for a girl that is stark raving terrified of the hospital and hasn't had any anti-anxiety meds, I'm pretty pleased.

I've been watching her breathe for 2 hours straight and I'm running out of steam. Going to curl up in a little ball in this chair beside the bed and try to nap.

Thank again everyone. Much love to you.

Annie

Scare of a lifetime

2008-11-08T19:02:00.003-05:00

On the way home from hospital to take care of dogs. Kiddo was still at the hospital in waiting room. 8 miles out, phone rings, it's kiddo.

"Mom, you need to get back here."
"Is something wrong?"
"Yes, mum just CODED"

Cue hyperventilation. Cue manic exit off highway and reentry, driving code 3 minus the fire truck. Get back to the hospital, run in the door, up to the 2nd floor, find out that she had apparently OD'd on morphine, because her blood pressure was low and she had an unknown sensitivity to morphine. So she went to sleep and stopped breathing.

They caught her fast, bagged her and brought her back up. My daughter, the paramedic, was distraught. Apparently the priest on duty decided that rather than telling kiddo what actually happened, he decided to tell her that she "coded, and I don't know anything else, so please wait nearby and I'll be back".

Then they take Kiddo back to see that her mum is fine, but kick her right back out of the ICU while they work on her, while Claire gives her a scared "where are you going??" look.

Kiddo loses it. Runs to the bathroom and throws up. Meanwhile, I've been let into the ICU and am with Claire, but I can't get Kiddo back in and can't leave. So Kiddo is out there sobbing until I can break free enough to at least text her from the ICU that mum is ok. For an hour I send her text messages of what's happening until my phone dies. Then I tell the nurse that I have to go take care of the animals and can Kiddo take my place? Of course, they answer. No problem.

So now, with a BP of 81/40 or so, them unable to reintroduce IV painkillers (Claire has every rib cut open with just Tylenol now) they make the call to transfuse to raise her pressure. Apparently, according to Kiddo's message from the ICU, they're giving her packed cells.

I'm on my way back to the hospital, now that dogs have had food, water, and relief.

During the surgery, by the way, apparently they discovered that the tumor had invaded a large vein or the vena cava (I don't have all the details) and that vascular repair had to be done. She may need some rehab to help her arm after this surgery as well.

It's getting a little rough right now. Is it okay to admit I'm scared?

Annie

The tube is out.

2008-11-08T10:05:00.001-05:00

She's off the respirator. However, she's in a LOT of pain, since they made her cough deeply. Her surgeon was just in there checking on her.

More later.

Annie

Saturday morning

2008-11-08T08:52:00.000-05:00

She's awake this morning, although she obviously can't talk with a breathing tube in. So she was finger spelling to me and kiddo, asking questions. Those big beautiful hazel brown eyes were all the way open a few times, which was a huge relief.

They're taking the tube out in a few minutes, and since it's a HUGE fear factor for her, they're letting kiddo (the combat medic/paramedic) into the ICU to hold her hand and assist. That will be a huge help. Have I mentioned this hospital is wonderful yet?

We said goodbye to Joanna this morning, the wonderful nurse that made sure that Claire was clean shaven today (no makeup allowed, but you know, it's the little things that count). The hospital has little cards that you can fill out for wonderful employees you encounter, and I've filled out two already.

One of the two, a nurse named Kevin, was discussing with Joanna how hard it must be to be this phobic of hospitals when you're trans (and thus eventually needing/wanting final surgery). It was a nice conversation with Joanna, telling her that with a lot of people, surgery just isn't even an option, and that the living full time in the right gender is the most crucial part. It made perfect sense to her.

There have been a few slipups with the he/she pronouns, but that's to be expected when presented with beard shadow and checking on catheters, etc. They usually catch themselves and correct themselves, which is really sweet. They have been all so very kind and respectful here. Even the chaplain, when she came in to see me, used the right pronouns.

Hopefully Claire has turned the corner and will be allowed out of the ICU today. We'd like to get to the point that we can start our shifts, being with her around the clock.

Annie

Update

2008-11-07T22:07:00.001-05:00

Surgery went well, but we ran into a snag in recovery. They had trouble getting her to shake off the anesthesia, and after trying Narcan to drop the pain meds off of her and trying everything else (including using a bag to make her breath) they gave in at 5pm and reintubated her, because her blood oxygen levels were worrying low. They went ahead and sedated her and will keep her sedated until tomorrow morning when they will try again.

On a positive note, as many of you know, Claire wasn't able to finish laser before all of this hit, and of course she's stuck now in a hospital with beard shadow. The night ICU nurse was talking to us and asked if it would make claire more comfortable if she shaved it off tonight to make it less visible tomorrow. How's that for just mind-blowing kindness in a hospital?

Well, I'm off to clean up dishes, exercise dogs and collapse for a few hours. Kiddo is sleeping in the ICU waiting room overnight and they plan to have her in the ICU helping when the take the breathing tube out, since it's one of Claire's biggest fears and she'll HAVE to be awake this time.

Love to you all,

Annie

Claire is in surgery

2008-11-07T09:27:00.000-05:00

For those of you following, Claire started her surgery to remove that damn 8cm tumor in her chest at at 8:05 eastern. I drove home to let dogs out, and cried the entire 25 minute drive here.

I know why they call it "ripping your heart out" because it felt like a rubber cord was attached to mine, and the further I drove, the deeper the pain was. I'm so terrified. This tumor was discovered in February, and we don't know for sure if its benign or malignant. I'm praying that it will be nothing more than a huge, benign tumor and this will be the end of it.

I'll update when she is out of surgery. Thank you all for supporting her as she led up to this. She had to push through some serious anxiety and panic this morning. As we had to leave her in pre-op, the sound of her heartrate monitor rapidly accelerating when they told us we had to leave about did me in.

**hugs** to you all.

Annie

Elections

2008-11-05T09:46:00.003-05:00

Last night we saw Barack Obama elected as President. What an incredible night! There is hope now, with a Democratic majority in house and senate, and with Obama as our leader, that we will finally make inroads into equal rights.

Sadly, Florida and California had to temper excitement with sadness, as hate and discrimination appeared to win over fairness and equality. Why is it so hard for people to allow others to be happy? Why is it allowed that GLBT citizens must be treated unfairly, and penalized, for how they were born?

My sister and brother-in-law are devastated that Obama won. They're calling it the end of the country as they know it. Although they accept Claire for who she is, marriage is for one man, one woman. It boggles my mind that people can be so narrow-minded.

I actually differ a bit from my GLBT friends. They won't rest until gay marriage is legal. I guess I've been exposed to enough of the deep south to know it will never happen, and that we should get civil unions in place. Who you devote your life to in a ceremony should not affect your legal rights. I don't care if Claire and I are united in marriage or civil union, we're together.

Claire enters the hospital on Friday. Because we're legally married, I won't have any trouble with visitation for family. But it just really brings forth the fact that my good friends that are "just" gay or lesbian don't have this same right. And that bothers me. Very deeply.

It's time for change. I hope Obama delivers.

Some things I have to share with you.

2008-10-03T09:51:00.002-05:00

Some lighthearted election fun:

You have to check out these buttons - I love them!

And this:

Asking for community feedback on hospital experiences

2008-10-02T14:32:00.003-05:00

If anyone in the TS community has had any experience being a patient at St. Joseph's hospital in Atlanta, would you please contact me?

After a really bad experience (extreme disrespect and bad treatment) at another hospital, we'd kind of like to know what others have experienced at this one before we attempt to schedule a surgery.

Thanks!

Annie

Go Trans Community - Support Obama!

2008-10-02T11:05:00.003-05:00

The Stonewall Democrats have a campaign going in the transgender community to raise money for Obama. We need to really dig deep and pledge at least $5 if only to show how many of us there are out here. Remember, we need to support the campaign that will support us in our endeavors for human rights for everyone!

This is a beautiful sight! Let's make it grow :) Special thanks to the wonderful Caprice - I missed this campaign until she blogged about it. Thanks!

Trans-Blog Day for Obama

2008-09-29T08:51:00.003-05:00

From the Stonewall Democrats - help the transgender community step up for Obama!

"On Monday, September 29, we’ll be holding a special coordinated blogging day to harness the power of the transgender community and trans allies to help elect Barack Obama. Check back here for more details!

The transgender community and our allies play a vital role in electing candidates across the country. We need to support Barack Obama based on his strong record of advocacy for the LGBT community; we also need to make sure we measure the impact transgender people and our allies are having on the campaign."

Even if it is just $5, please help. Let's help to elect Obama!

Go HERE to donate on the actblue website. All the money donated goes straight through to the campaign, nobody takes a cut.

Dun dun duuun

2008-09-28T09:58:00.003-05:00

Looking like try #2 is going to be early November, as soon as we can find which of the 2 remaining hospitals will in fact do as the surgeon recommends.

On the plus side this time I have a new family doctor who is very sweet and is trying to do whatever she can to help get me to the hospital.

We're planning a trip this weekend coming to walk round the hospital, while knowing nothing is going to happen.

*Gulp*

and as if we didn't have enough stress already, we just bought a house! eek

Happy Birthday

2008-07-14T12:28:00.001-05:00

to my best friend, soul mate, pain in the a.... ;)
I love you

Non-Surgery - followup

2008-07-08T07:10:00.003-05:00

By request of the surgeon (who is extremely dismayed) I have sent him a 3 page letter detailing what happened, and CC'd the CEO of the hospital and the ethics board of the holding company (Tenet). I'll see what they do.

My biggest issue is that they had a patient in severe distress and never, ever checked on her. What if she had fled into an area of the hospital lost, passed out, and hit her head? What if she'd been hit by a car when she bolted across the street in a blind panic? This could have had catastrophic results.

But then again, if this was the level of care given to a patient that the surgeon had specifically requested extra care for, then what would have happened post-op? What if she woke and panicked because she had a chest tube in? Would they have ignored the situation then too?

In addition, since the day of the surgery, I have heard from 3 medical professionals that they avoid that hospital (AMC) like the plague.

One is a firefighter/paramedic that took a patient to the ER that had previously been seen at Grady. The ER at AMC told him they didn't want him because he had been seen at Grady, not AMC. This was a patient transported by ambulance to an ER. He told me that because of that incident and others, they avoid going to AMC at all costs.

The second was someone who took their father to the ER after he had a seizure - when he'd never experienced one before. They did no urine or blood tests, and performed no cat scan. They said he'd had a fainting spell and sent him home. The next day she took him to his regular doctor, who clearly saw he was very ill, diagnosing him with lung cancer, enlarged heart and liver.

Let's just say that I shall let everyone I know to never, ever go to this hospital.

The surgery

2008-07-02T22:17:00.001-05:00

It didn't happen.

Claire has severe anxiety attacks about medical procedures, requiring a xanex and a couple of days of preparing herself mentally to just get blood drawn.

The surgeon and anesthesiologist both reassured us that she would be treated with consideration (trans) and treated for anxiety - by having a dose of versed waiting for her when she walked in the door. I warned them both that if they made her wait a few minutes sitting around the panic attack would happen.

So... we got there, and Claire has dry heaves and is terrified to leave the parking garage, when an orderly saw us and asked if we needed an assist. I said we did and he helped coax her in. She made it through the ER, to the 7th floor, and to admitting, where the orderly TOLD the nurse there that the patient was in distress and he had to help us in. I informed her that this was the panic attack patient, and we were supposed to have a pill ready for us for her to take immediately so she could calm down before going to pre-op, and one that would be enough to get IV and everything started.

Well, we got attitude. "I'm not HIS nurse". A call to the real nurse, and a summons to follow down the hall, where we passed people sleeping (pre-op prepped) and were put into a PRE-OP room with an IV stand and a bed, had a gown and slippers tossed onto the bed and were told "everything off, gown on".

I stormed out and demanded that someone get the damn pill. I was told that "they didn't have the chart" and "knew nothing about any pill". I warned them that they would blow the surgery if they didn't get the doc on the phone and medicate her asap.

I went back to claire, trying to get her to focus her breathing, but after 2 minutes went back out only to find neither nurse on the phone or getting a chart. I asked what the holdup was and was told to be patient because they were going to have to "walk across the street and get it".

Back and forth 3 more times. On the last time, I went back to the pre op room (room 13 by the way - big ass 13 printed on the wall) only to find Claire *gone*.

I went out and told the nurse that they were too damn late (15 minutes now had passed) and that she was gone. The nurse's response? "who's 'she'?"

I would have punched her had I not been terrified that Claire was lying in shock in some hallway somewhere. I said "Claire, the HIGH ANXIETY patient that I TOLD you we were running out of time on".

"So he's gone?"

Had it. Pissed off beyond belief. Went tearing out of the building, couldn't find her. Told security that a patient having a panic attack was wandering around somewhere. Finally found her outside the ER building, across the street, sitting on a low wall almost catatonic.

Called my mom, who got a cab and came over. A nurse finally came down (30 minutes after the fact) and said that they had the pill ready now, but she had to go back upstairs to take it. Claire was way past responding. We begged and pleaded, but nothing would get her back in there.

So, basically, Claire has been beating herself up all day and crying uncontrollably at her "failure". Our daughter, here on emergency leave from Iraq, is in trouble with her paperwork.

And me? I'm so fucking pissed off at a hospital that we were assured would be prepared for a patient diagnosed with panic disorder. And to add in the anti-trans stuff to boot, really, really pissed me off.

I'm exhausted, had 3 hours of sleep last night, so forgive the rant, please.

it's here.

2008-07-01T21:23:00.001-05:00

I just had the love of my life collapse crying in my arms. This is so incredibly scary even for someone without severe panic attacks, I just can't even imagine how my beloved feels right now.

I think she's incredibly brave, and stronger than she thinks. My mom and daughter are ready to help her recover, and we'll be taking good care of her.

My heart, however, is breaking at the moment.

Thank you everyone, for helping support her. I'll keep you posted tomorrow. Surgery starts at 8:30 (eastern).

Love,

Annie

Another day down

2008-06-28T20:43:00.002-05:00

We had a nice day at the mall and then the farmer's market. Kind of took Claire's mind off things while she and kiddo tortured and harassed me into buying a pair of jeans.

$60!!!!! They couldn't even pick a pair on sale? I never, ever buy anything at retail. To make matters worse, they are Tommy Hilfiger, a brand I *swore* I would never, ever wear. Oh, I feel I just sold my soul to Macy's.

They were merciless. And what's more, kiddo took the receipt so I can't return them!

Luckily, I was able to dodge the Sephora makeover they planned...

Looks like Monday morning Claire not only gets bloodwork done, she also gets an EKG and will meet with the anesthesiologist to discuss what can be done to medicate Claire enough to let her squash her severe anxiety enough to actually get her there.

Not sure what the plan is tomorrow, right now seems like it will be a movie day at home.

Thanks for tuning in.

Annie

Counting down...

2008-06-27T13:24:00.002-05:00

Just a very brief update as we close in on surgery day.

Kiddo arrived home from Iraq last night. Claire's *really* starting to stress.

I'm getting into the mode of trying to get everything arranged - overseeing mom coming in, changing the car headlight for her, making sure Claire's questions are answered about stuff, getting a futon for kiddo to sleep on... which is strangely calming.

The dog has allergies bad now, so I have to work in a medicated shampoo for him this weekend too. Glad kiddo is here to help.

Annie

July 2nd draws nigh.

2008-06-25T12:53:00.002-05:00

Just a quick update.

Things are definitely careening at us pretty quickly now. As I write this, kiddo is in Germany, preparing to fly home. She'll be here tomorrow, for at least 6 weeks. Thanks to the Red Cross and her CO for getting her home for us.

Claire is hanging in there. She's quite calm, in a way, but I think she's drawing on years on suppressing emotions.

As for me, I'm hanging in there. My mom is coming up July 1st, and honestly, I'm glad she'll be here. Fearful thoughts keep trying to invade, but so far I'm keeping them at bay.

Annie

The Big One... telling the best friend

2008-05-13T12:55:00.005-05:00

Claire left her best friend behind in England 8 years ago. They had limited contact back and forth for 5 years or so, and then stopped.

Well, the best friend emailed the other day to see how his old mate was doing in America. He had noticed that some information about 'James' had been taken offline. Wanted to know what was up.

So, we talked and talked, and talked some more instead of sleeping that night. Decided to email him and tell him the story, and she tried to come to terms with the fact that the best friend she loved like a brother wouldn't laugh at her or attack her. It was a very scary thing, because these two were best mates for quite a long time.

With family already excommunicated, he was really her last happy tie to England.

The next day, she sent a long email off basically telling him she is a transwoman. For hours, we waited for a response back from England.

When it finally came, he said it didn't matter to him. He said he'd always thought that she was a bit effeminate, and laughed and said 'who knows, had you been born in the right body we might even be married today'. He then told her he always loved her like a brother, and now he'll love her as his sister.

He went on to say that he's apologizing in advance for screwing up and saying the wrong gender or name. In short, he confirmed that he is an wonderful friend and kind human being. It's only been a couple of days but his stance is that bodies don't matter, just what's inside.

I adore happy endings.

Peace and Love,

Annie

Of MRIs and Surgeons

2008-04-10T09:04:00.007-05:00

We went for Claire's MRI yesterday. We chose MRI because it wouldn't involve contrast, and therefore no needles. Well, after an hour of MRI stuff ( they let me stay in there with her during it) they came in and said they needed a contrast agent. It was just a butterfly needle and although you could see the panic attack trying to happen, Claire fought it off and went with it. I'm so proud of her :)

On a funny note, a young tech asst was setting her up with earplugs and asked the MRI operator if "mom needed to be given a pair too?" The woman looked at the tech and said "That's not her MOM, that's her PARTNER" which made Claire and I bust out giggling. The poor young tech didn't GET it and called me her mom again later. I was glad it happened though, because Claire needed to giggle and relax a bit, and hey, I can take a joke ;)

Yesterday late afternoon the surgeon called and said it isn't vascular, so it's not the aorta. Big sigh of relief. His best guess right now (since this is not a normal presentation of any of the possibilities) is that she has a thymoma, cancer of the thymus gland. Most cases are non-invasive, so kind of classed as a benign issue, since surgery removes it completely. Because of the massive size (my god, the MRI pictures really put it in focus, this bastard takes up 1/3 of
her chest cavity on the right side) it is hard to read if anything else is affected, because it is pushing arteries and a lung out of the way. http://www.lifesteps.com/gm/Atoz/ency/thymoma.jsp

The type of surgery used for open heart will still be needed - split the sternum and open the ribs - and my poor phobic sweetheart is having a rough time. So, although the news isn't perfect, at least we're getting there.

Oh yeah, and the dog had to have emergency surgery Monday night. The dog is now fine and whiny as ever. Just like me. *grin*

Annie

Update on Claire's situation

2008-04-03T15:12:00.006-05:00

I don't know how time flew so fast since my last post.

Claire has been taking Valium at doctor's request to help her break the grip that her anxiety had on her. He was concerned her adrenal system would wear completely down if she kept going the way she was. I agreed, and was glad when 5 days after he prescribed it she finally tried it. She's been on it around the clock (sort of, lighter dose during the day) and it seems to have helped.

I think it's really been the only thing that has kept her in check right now. Even then, there are days when she says things like "I'm just not going to do it" that make me want to scream. The doctor told her to nap during the day when she can and just try to relax a bit. She has been, and it seems to be helping. She doesn't look like hell anymore - the sunken eyes are gone and she's starting to look very healthy again.

Thank goodness she was working on starting up her photography thing instead of trying to hold down a regular job right now, because it is wearing on her tremendously. I know she feels bad sometimes because this phobia has such a hold on her, but the fact is that you can't really control a phobia. I understand this, and so does her doc.

I do wish she would TRY to meditate - but she dismisses it out of hand. She is a die hard pessimist and I am the opposite, and it has been really hard sometimes lately.

Anyway, fast forward to today's appointment.

We went in with questions planned like "how long will she be in the hospital" (5-6 days) and worries in our minds about mistreatment because she's pre-op and hasn't finished full facial hair removal (so she'll have hair growth while she's in there - and she's horrified at the thought). Thoughts of if we should put F or the dreaded M on the admission forms... since they will obviously be able to tell she has outdoor plumbing right now - having not done a remodeling job yet.

(side note: By the way, at least at this point, the hospital has been FANTASTIC about being sensitive to the trans issue. They have her in the system as F and said that anything else is "her personal business" and she will be addressed as Ms. Claire.)

We expected, with the radiologist's report, to have the surgeon say "yup, ok, here's the surgery date" and answer some basic questions.

Ha.

Did I say "ha" yet?

Of course, we got something we didn't expect. He looked at Claire's tall, lanky bod and said "We could have something completely different on our hands."

Apparently Claire fits all the physical body type characteristics of someone with Marfan's Syndrome. He said that he couldn't see a separation between her aorta and the tumor. He also disagreed with the radiologist's determination of teratoma, because teratomas don't normally occur as high as Claire's is, and Claire's tumor is completely rounded (more oval actually) it suggests growth of a liquid nature under pressure. This could be just fluid filled cyst or it could actually be an aortic pseudoaneurysm - something common to people with Marfan's. Obviously, cutting into something to biopsy it that is actually part of the aorta would be fatal, so the surgeon has requested that Claire get an MRI on Wednesday to see if there is blood flow in the tumor.

The tumor (or aneurysm) is the size of a small baking potato, 8cm x 6cm x 4.5cm.

If he can rule out the aortic connection, then Claire can just undergo a biopsy, and decide about full "open the ribs" surgery if needed - or she can skip the biopsy and decide to just have it removed (since it does cause her pain).

So, now we wait. Again.

We'll keep you posted.

Love,

Annie

Update on Claire

2008-03-05T10:06:00.003-05:00

Just a quick update.

We got the news last night that the mass on Claire's x-ray is not in her lungs.

*deep, deep sigh of relief*

She has what is called a teratoma. About 85-90% of these are benign. However, it has to come out.

Claire has struggled her whole life with severe phobias about doctor related things. It takes xanax and a couple of days to prepare for a blood test, so this is obviously really overwhelming for her. Although I am thrilled at the news that it isn't lung involved, she's way too stressed about the idea of an operation to really feel relief at this point.

I'll keep you posted.

Annie

It snowed.

2008-02-27T06:32:00.002-05:00

I woke up to lovely gift this morning. It snowed, and it's enough to leave snow on the ground and the car. Gives the world kind of a calming, peaceful look this morning. I think I needed it.

We're hanging in there. I feel like I'm finally kicking the pneumonia, and getting to a solid, grounded place in which I can support Claire this week.

Primal scream therapy in your car on a deserted stretch of road is amazing.

I talked to my mom, a breast cancer survivor, for 20 minutes Monday night, and she kicked me into fighting and staying strong.

Practicing "walking meditation" is starting to come back under my control. I can't quite get myself to believe my normal mantra learned from Thich Nhat Hahn. I have changed the last line to be "This is the only moment".

Breathing in, I calm my body.
Breathing out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment,
I know this is a wonderful moment!

I'd like to thank everyone that has loaded us down with thoughts and prayers. It's making a difference knowing we're not alone as we play this awful waiting game.

Love,

Annie

And the world comes tumbling down.

2008-02-22T21:08:00.002-05:00

I worked myself into exhaustion a week ago, while I had the flu. Worked around the clock on a project to the point where I gave myself pneumonia. Now I'm glad I had it.

Yesterday, I took Claire in because she's been sick too. Having bacterial pneumonia, I wanted to make sure they she didn't get it while down with the flu. The doctor took a routine chest x-ray, and my world has been upended since that moment.

See, there was something on the x-ray. Not pneumonia, but a mass in the upper lobe of her right lung. One that looks pretty scary. The doctor sent the film to a radiologist, and called last night to tell us that the radiologist said it looked like a mass that needs an immediate CT scan.

Apparently the shoulder pain that the Savannah orthopedic surgeon dismissed as cubital tunnel syndrome might have been this.

We were supposed to have a CT scan today. However, between Claire being pretty ill with the flu, having the shock of this hit us, and the fact that she would need an iodine injection with a severe anxiety issue about needles made us postpone it.

So, until Friday, we're in the dark. All alone with this specter over our heads.

We've called my folks, and told our best friends. We've both cried, and tried to be brave. The next few days will be really hard, and I know it.

I still have hope in my heart that Friday's CT Scan will leave us walking away breathing a sigh of relief that it was scar tissue, or other anomoly.

All I know right now is that I'm scared, and she's scared. Prayers, good thoughts, etc. are welcome. We'll make it through this; I know we will.

In the meantime, Claire insists that this will be a piece of cake to get through, since she has already survived 36 years stuck in the wrong body.

Annie

A Valentine's Card to my Claire

2008-02-14T08:36:00.004-05:00

Claire,

This is the first Valentine's Day since you started living full time in your proper gender.

I look back on everything we've gone through and am amazed at so many things.

I am amazed at the depths to which I've seen you plunge into depression, and the highs I've seen you reach now that you are battling all those demons that plagued you all your life.

I am amazed at the openness with which my family received your news, and the embrace they've drawn you into since they learned they had a new daughter instead of a son.

I am amazed at how we've coped, and loved, and adapted, and grown into better people, both of us.

I am amazed at the physical changes brought on by hormone therapy. You're beautiful, and you really certainly don't look like the James I met 7 years ago.

I am amazed at how smooth a transition it was to uproot ourselves and move to Atlanta, and how friendly Atlanta is.

But mostly...

I am amazed at how strong our love is, and how simply overwhelming it is to me. I think of you always, in the back of my mind while I work, play, make jewelry, and even sleep. Random thoughts of you will filter into my head, and I can't suppress the little smile that makes me actually feel my eyes twinkle.

I love you with all my heart and soul. Will you be my Valentine?

Love,

Your Annie.

It's snowing in Atlanta :)

2008-01-16T22:34:00.001-05:00

What a cool couple of weeks. We bought a nice new bed, Claire had her Spiro doubled, and tonight it's snowing.

This poor little gardenia is pretty darn cold.

I played and left a message for Claire while I was out with the puppies. That's a paw print from one of our shepherds to the left of the word Claire. Totally by accident but looked really cool. Shh, don't tell Claire I didn't plan it that way.

Not much else to tell this week. Been really busy - doing another big project at work that will be over Tuesday, and been working on my metalsmithing business. Good stuff, that metalsmithing.

Have a great rest of the week everyone! Oh, and a special shout-out to my buddies Brian and Frances back home. Miss you guys.

Annie

Happy New Year!

2008-01-04T23:00:00.000-05:00

I love metalworking, really love it. I'm glad Christmas is over though so I can stop rushing to fill orders and can go back to really enjoying my craft. Next year I'll be more prepared.

We spent our first Christmas together this year with Claire being really and truly Claire. No half the day as James, half the day as Claire. I can't tell you how nice it is that we don't have to do that anymore.

Keeping up the sham of having her pretend to be someone we both know she's not was rough. It's really nice now to just *be*.

I do miss the mornings and afternoons together sometimes though, since we used to carpool. However, now I get to come home and have a hot cup of tea waiting for me and dinner on the stove, doggies already fed and nothing to do but relax. I think our arrangement is working out great right now. It's good for Claire right now as she deals with self-esteem and anxiety issues, and it's been pretty good for me stress wise. The time we do have together now is really wonderful.

The other morning I ran into a table corner--train wreck with two german shepherds rushing through a narrow area--and I got a pretty rough contusion on my leg that hurt like hell all day at work. It left a goose egg on my thigh big enough for coworkers to see through slacks. I was hurting, and was really exhausted coming home from work. I called Claire from the train station, like I always do, to let her know I was on the way home. I offered to stop at the store if she needed anything, and I felt like I needed to because we were out of a couple of things. She insisted I come straight home. Imagine my surprise when I walked in only to be led straight to a bathroom with a hot bubble bath, a snack and a bottle of water waiting for me.

I know that most people going through transition don't have the luxury of taking time off, and some probably don't really need it, but Claire was really emotionally dead for years. Think walking dead and you pretty much sum "James" up. I think it's been a good trade-off moving and doing this the way we did. I know she's not very comfortable in Atlanta and really didn't want to move to a big city, but it does give me the chance to give her the gift of taking at least a year off while she goes through the rough spots. The difference in the last 6 months has been amazing.

I have to stop and think about how wonderful my family has been to Claire. The love and acceptance they've shown her I'm sure doesn't completely replace her entire biological family, but I know it means the world to her. We're really blessed to have them in our lives.

Christmas Eve was the seventh anniversary of our first kiss. I'm far happier than I ever thought I would be right now. I think had Claire not finally broken down and told me what was so very wrong in her life, we'd probably be divorced or she'd be dead. Although I loved "James" it was getting to the point where the depression was so incredibly severe it was seriously interfering with living.

I came home from work on Monday, opened the door to see my tall, willowy blonde with a sparkle in her eyes and a smile on her lips, and my breath actually caught.

I'm a lucky girl. My soulmate's still with me, and she's finally alive. Happy New Year. Life is good :)

Annie

PS - as I just finished this up, the song "My Girl" came on. Pretty funny, huh?

A rose by any other name...

2007-12-08T12:36:00.000-05:00

Is still just as smelly. *grin*. I actually don't like roses, but Claire loves them. I buy them for her every now and then and she buys me wildflowers. We understand each other.

BUT... that's not what this post is about. Our name change gauntlet is finally complete. Claire is now in possession of a driver's license with her real name on it. You may remember that she actually changed her name months ago by doing it in her native country in the UK. However, the local driver's license office wouldn't accept a UK document, so we had to publish in the paper and spend another $150 to get it changed here.

Want to talk about nerve-wracking? I hate the public information act. Publishing that you are changing your name from a definitely male name to female name is attention getting enough, without someone being able to easily track you down via public info. Ugh.

It was a roller coaster day, starting with the courthouse.

We were all done, and we finally got our appointment to do the name change in judge's chambers. The judge was a woman and had done several name changes of a similar nature, so we were pretty comfortable going in.

Then, while waiting in the public area we hear that she's not hearing our case, some senior judge is. Okay, no panic really yet... sure it is going to be okay. I start wondering on what grounds a judge can refuse to do this. Claire starts getting nervous.

The staff attorney comes out and calls out the names of three people waiting to go see the judge. And of course, in a very loud voice - 'James Rushden?'

Shit.

So I jump up and say "That would be me" before Claire even stands up. I was hoping that maybe the others might think it was a probate issue, etc. and deflect attention from my already extremely nervous spouse. The last thing we wanted was one of these people to follow us into the dark garage and mess with us.

We follow him to the elevator and crowd on with these others that are giving us the hairy eyeball now. We get to the other floor and I pull the attorney aside for a second and verify that we would still be doing this in private and to please just call our last name.

We finally got called into the office (as Ms. Rushden), and discovered that we would be in front of an older male judge. Of course, being in the ultra conservative state we're in, we started really hoping he would be cool about this.

Well, let's just say I'm now enamored with this judge. He was not only polite about it, but warm and funny, and said congrats and shook our hands at the end. I sure got a kick in the head not to prejudge people. Ouch.

SO... we left on a high note now, this went great :)

We go to the DMV. That's when it goes downhill. I have some advice for anyone about to change their name. Before you do the name change, go in to the DMV in androgynous mode and get a new picture. Because it really, REALLY sucked for us not having done that.

We get there and get called up to the booth. The clerk starts looking over her paperwork and pondering the issue at hand. She's ready to do this until she sees that Claire is a permanent resident, not a citizen. It's not a problem, because you can change your name if you're a PR, but this is *why we were told to go change her name in a local court* - for these people at the DMV.

So I seethe for a moment, and then she calls a supervisor over. She hands the supervisor the old drivers license with the male photo and name. So the supervisor asks 'what does HE want to do?" The person helping us starts to say (loudly) that "HE" wants to change "HIS" name. When they dropped the "HE" bomb one more time, and Claire is trying to shrink herself under the counter I lean forward and say "She, please say SHE."

The clerk realized what she was doing and said "Oh, I'm so sorry, I don't know why I did that."

I mean, come on. A little tact? You have both IDs in hand, and you see a woman in front of you, and you call her out?

So after much back and forth while they decide if they should let her change her name on her license, they sign the documents and let her move on to the other room to get her new picture taken.

So we're standing there in line, trying to relax for a moment after that horrible incident, and we get called to the desk. We're hoping that anyone that heard that exchange has left.

I'll paint the scene for you. Imagine a waiting room full of people. Imagine a desk with a 24" monitor that is turned so half the waiting room can see the very large picture that shows on her screen as she pulls up the license with the OLD picture (huge picture) of "James" before transition - obviously a MALE picture.

Then, imagine the woman looking at it taking her time and reading the address out in a nice crisp, clear voice for all to hear. She leaves the picture on the screen as long as she can while telling Claire to remove her shades, etc. Then she takes the picture.

Any shred of dignity that Claire could have had left after the counter incident was now totally stripped. Mortified. I was just mortified at how they treated this. I can't tell you just how awful I felt for my poor Claire.

To top it off, her picture turned out like crap, and she thinks it made her look old.

And of course, it still has the M on it. But we figured that would happen.

But, she recovered, but was really down for a while afterwards. She has a license (that she hates) with her female picture and new name. Now, social security and all the other paperwork can finally start getting changed and we can bury the old name that she's suffered under for so many years.

It feels good. She wondered if we should have a funeral for James. I think that would actually be kind of fun :)

Take care all, I'm going to go play in my studio and hammer some metal.

Annie

Hormones, Progress, and Boobs

2007-11-29T22:14:00.000-05:00

Claire is finally starting to see some changes start up again from the new dose of hormones. Our visit to the endo a couple of months ago revealed that her dose of the past year wasn't really high enough to suppress the evil testosterone levels enough to let the estrogen really work. So now she's off the patch and on pills.

We're definitely seeing the effects of the T dropping, which is awesome.

Of course, the *big* issue around here is bra size. She's a full A now, and thrilled to be so. She is rather tall and thin (grrr - so jealous!) so if she hits a full B she'll be happy. What I find funny is the fact that she is a combination of enthralled and miserable at the current growth. Pains, tenderness, etc--while uncomfortable--are reassuring because they are accompanied by growth. I catch her prodding them sometimes and marveling at the real breast tissue that is giving her the long awaited proper changes. For instance, overheard in the Rushden house the other night - "wow, they're getting HEAVY!"

But the part that makes me really giggle is when she tries to go to sleep. She shifts around about 5 times sighing and fussing because the way she's slept her whole life doesn't work anymore now that she has boobs in the way (cue evil laughter as I recall abject misery during pregnancy). I have no sympathy. She doesn't know where to put her arms to sleep, and I find it so funny. She's cute in her misery ;)

She has discovered tank tops and now walks around the house braless in the tank top and lovely swishy linen pants, her hair now past her shoulders and highlighted with blonde streaks, feeling lovely and girly, and looking like a vision of beauty to me.

What a cool journey this is :)

Annie

We're still alive and kicking :)

2007-11-28T22:56:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the long dry spell.

We've been doing great. We had a lovely Thanksgiving. I hope you did as well.

I really have a lot to say, but I've put this off too late tonight. So, I'll just post a couple of quick things.

I really like Atlanta. Claire doesn't. But two things happened today that made me proud to be here.

First, this morning, I needed some milk for my tea and coffee, so I ran to the corner shop to get some. I passed an older black man in a wheelchair outside, and watched a younger black man giving him some food. Well, from what I gather, he either was begging for food (it was 45 degrees out) or the young man just did it anyway. He apparently bought him two chili dogs and a drink from inside this store.

While I was standing in line, an altercation broke out when the woman (she's generally not a pleasant woman--so I normally don't shop there) that owns the shop walked in followed by the man in the wheelchair. He was raising his voice telling her "I did NOT steal from your shop. I haven't been in here before this very moment. That nice young man gave me this food! I am not a thief!!" She argued with him for a couple of minutes with him asserting his innocence and asking for an apology, because she apparently accused him in public in front of people.

Well, the murmurs started in line from customers...gradually getting louder (and of course, I chimed in too)
"How do you sneak into a store unseen in a wheelchair?"
"I saw someone giving him food"
"Being disabled does not make you a thief"
"He may have been panhandling but why are you accusing him of theft? He hasn't been in here."
(me) The hot dogs are not self serve, they are fixed up and handed to the cashier. How can you steal that? Besides, I saw the guy give him the food."

Finally he left, pride a little mended due to the support he received. As I walked out (vowing to not come back) a coworker fussed and said "I just don't understand why someone would equate wheelchair with thievery. Un-REAL."

Three cheers for people sticking up against bias!!

-=-

On the way home, something happened on MARTA that was also quite funny. Two seeing-impaired gentlemen were making their way to the train platform with the use of their canes. Now, I'm pretty sure that everyone knows that someone with a red-tipped white cane doesn't see very well. Right?

Well, this woman, maybe 25 years old, was standing on the platform with her back to the gentlemen. They came up behind her (tap tap tap - no missing it) and *gasp* tapped her shoe.

Well, rather than just understanding and either moving aside, saying hi or anything else... she (get ready for it) gave them a filthy look (because it's such an effective communication tool in this case?) and moved 10 feet away from them, scowling and rolling her eyes and looking like she had been molested - being quite the drama queen for the crowd.

Now, that's not the great part. The great part was the crowd that witnessed this. A slow murmur of comments started to swell and finally reached the woman's ears saying things like:
"holiday spirit left at the table?"
"wow, *really* mature"
"whoo, honey, that's SOME attitude."
and my personal favorite-
"I guess that hurt your dignity, huh young lady? At least you made sure to put him in his place. Feel better?"

She walked off to the other end of the platform.

That's what I like about Atlanta. In general, people pretty much don't tolerate open disdain of others for disabilities, race etc--at least in a public forum. Of course, it isn't perfect. But that made me feel proud to be part of the community today.

Anyway, take care all, I'll try to post again tomorrow :)

Annie

Just a rant about how short life is.

2007-10-23T21:23:00.000-05:00

Warning - I'm in a depressing space tonight.

I'm recovering from the shock and pain of losing a very dear friend. He was just 33. I have spent over a week now with crying jags that have left me wrung out like a sponge. It really drove home the fact that you can't put off life. And the part that really kills me was that his son was there when he died, and his son is so young and sweet. I can't imagine the pain and the guilt his son must feel at not being able to help his dad. It haunts me.

The big thing that made me desire to go ahead and take the big step to quit our steady government jobs and move to Atlanta was the fact that Claire started to have a fear of something happening and dying before should could ever realize her lifelong dream of being able to live--as Susan Stanton so perfectly puts it--an authentic life. As a volunteer firefighter, I certainly was keenly aware of the fleeting nature of life. Claire, who while in a law enforcement agency had to tend to gunshot victims, is also very realistic about it as well. It got to a point where an erratic driver or road rage incident would leave her really shaken.

That's why, in the space of a month, I steamrolled over her objections and found a new job that could cover our bills and moved us to Atlanta. I was tired of watching her have to play games - pretending to be someone else, hiding her true self, all until we could hit a magic spot of having paid off enough bills to survive her job loss if discovered. She would have done the same for me. Life is too short to hope for someday.

I have read a couple of books lately. Donna Rose's book Wrapped in Blue was the first one. We purchased it at SCC, and we bought, apparently, the last autographed copy that they had handy. She was there, but we didn't get to meet her. Jenny Boylan, on the other hand, was someone we did finally get to meet. She's as lovely and nice as she seems. But, I digress. Donna's book was great, but the story had parts that quite simply angered me.

See, I have a weakness. I really, really hate spiteful ex-partners. When I read about people that have a spouse turn violent or cruel simply because their partner faces the truth and deals with the big transgender weight on their soul, I get very angry. I get even angrier when I read of spouses using children as a weapon to hurt the trans partner. Unfortunately, as you know, that story is all too common. It seriously gets to me.

I understand that not everyone can deal with a trans partner the way I can. I do understand that. However, I can't stress enough that I just wish people could stop hurting each other over the trans issue. If you can't stay married, why be cruel?

I'll spare you my normal soapbox of why it is so damned important to start dealing with this before kids turn into adults and set themselves up for this sad story.

But the recent loss of this young, healthy, vibrant friend really shook me. I feel like I lost a brother. And in reading Donna's book--where she backpedals and pauses her transition--really made me wonder something. It made me wonder just how many people have put off transition hoping for the right time, for all the conditions to be perfect, or just because they fear the worst. I wonder how many of those have had something happen and never get to live their lives the way they should before they die.

I read Trans-sister Radio this week. It was a really good book. It is actually a novel, not a memoir. A good read, sensitive and respectful and also very warming, I have to say I couldn't put this one down. I love books that make me want my train ride to take even longer than normal. Anyway, I'd recommend this book. It was great.

Well, time to hit the bed.

Good night all, and make sure you tell your loved ones how much they mean to you every single day.

Annie

Support the original ENDA.

2007-10-03T19:53:00.000-05:00

Click Me!

O M G

2007-09-30T21:26:00.000-05:00

So Claire has had new hormone therapy now for a month (more on that later) and she's been definitely broadcasting different energy. We finally have her T knocked down to where it should be. I keep catching myself staring at her, realizing that she looks so lovely lately. She's happy, radiant, and just oozes femininity.

So, we go to Outback for lunch/dinner yesterday by a very friendly mall in Atlanta and we had a great time. After a lovely dinner, we both used the women's restroom together. It's the only place we've really been to where Claire has been comfortable walking into the women's restroom if it's more than a single stall kind of place. She's very self-conscious about being read in the women's room.

We headed over to the mall proper after dinner to look at bedding and clothes. We hit Sephora and were greeted at the door with "hello ladies" - which made Claire smile. Sephora was a bit uncomfortable for me because there's this energy of people wanting to put *gasp* makeup on you - something this tomboy will have to be wrestled into. But we had a good time looking around, and Claire had fun. At one point she found something Kiddo in Iraq might like, and I said "oh our daughter would just love that!". Oops. Way to give it away, Annie. :)

So we decide to head downstairs, and as we're walking to the stairs a man (pretty tall, and so is Claire) glanced over at us, then his eyes snapped back to Claire with an appraising look. I'll be damned if Claire didn't get her first flirting look from a guy.

And of course, she missed it.

Totally oblivious. Figures!

So, she didn't know whether to be tickled, flattered, appalled or any other emotion. In the end, she settled for what I hoped she would: pleased, delighted and very amused.

It was a good day :)

Well, we followed that up by doing nothing around the house today, except that I made some new jewelry. I'm working on bettering my silversmithing skills and getting more comfortable with a torch. I made a gorgeous ring with a huge ocean jasper stone. I'm keeping this one - I decided that I will keep all my first attempts both as history and to take the pressure out of the process. I also made a cool funky pendant mixing silver and copper. I'll see if Claire will take some pictures for me when I'm done.

Claire is working on her rank in the Halo 3 community. She was delighted to see that you can choose your gender in Halo now, and the emotes will be feminine if you choose female. You can also have pink armor, although she opted for a very cool brown. As for myself, I can't join in. I have simulator sickness with first person shooter games, and thus I'm out of Halo.

Well, time to head off to bed. I hope you have a lovely week.

Annie

Matthew Shepard Act Passes the Senate!

2007-09-27T18:29:00.000-05:00

I'm sure you know, but hey, mainstream media wasn't carrying any notice of it. I still remember the day I read of his murder, of the brutality and senseless nature of the death of this lovely young man. It broke my heart then, and it still does every time his mother's name appears in my inbox as the Matthew Shepard Foundation pushes forward in this fight.

Hate crimes are a special breed of evil. But now, if Bush doesn't veto it, perhaps local law enforcement will have more resources to handle vicious polarizing crimes like these. But he has precedent in this - he was governor when James Byrd, Jr. was brutally murdered.

Remember James Byrd, Jr.? He was the man dragged to death in Texas in the late 90s. Three white supremacists beat him with a bat and then chained him behind a pickup truck and dragged him for 3 miles because they didn't like the color of his skin.

George W. Bush, governor at that time, stated his opposition to hate crime legislation and refused to attend Mr. Byrd's funeral. Thankfully, Governor Rick Perry fixed that situation in 2001 and passed the James Byrd Jr. Hate Crimes Act.

I noticed that both of my senators from Georgia decided to vote against the Matthew Shepard Act. I'm not surprised.

I truly hope Bush doesn't veto this. As my email from HRC stated today:
But even as we celebrate this victory – we know we face a tough road ahead. The bill has to survive final negotiations between the House and Senate before it gets to President Bush. Even then, he has threatened to veto it.

I guess we'll see. Don't forget to keep the pressure on and remember to thank those who did vote for it, and let them know how much it impacts the real people out here.

I also heard that ENDA may drop coverage for GID. I'm not really happy about that, but I guess if it passes without it at least my job will be protected. Silver lining, huh?

But anyway... on to a lighter note.

Kiddo emailed me from Iraq today. She's getting better dealing with the psychological trauma of being a combat medic in the thick of things, and has found herself with an ardent (read stalker) Iraqi admirer. Apparently he became smitten with her when she patched him up in the hospital. She's in good spirits though, and a tough little cookie. But she's still just such a little girl to me in so many ways.

I went to the hardware store today at lunch to get some of the fake stained glass adhesive window film, and I "accidentally" stumbled across the copper section in plumbing. Well, I saw all sorts of potential in some copper tubing and small copper bits that I can use in my jewelry. I adore copper and silver together. So, that's where I'll be tonight, in my studio hammering away with Claire rolling her eyes at me ;)

Wishing you all peace and love in memory of Matthew tonight. May you stay strong Judy, and thank you for all you've fought for.

Annie

So much catching up

2007-09-27T05:49:00.000-05:00

Wow, I've just realized it's been a month since my last post. We've had so much going on. I'll tackle work this morning (before I head out to it).

Work: we're in the middle of a corporate restructuring at my new job (yay me!), so I've been in charge of migrating all the data from one area of the new company into our databases. It's been a lot of work and people are getting a little frayed at work. On a good note though, I've been told that my company has finished an investigation into the homophobic remarks at work and people have been spoken to. I still take precautions though, because I know that although the comments are gone, the attitudes are still there and probably festering now.

On a side note, I have Claire's picture up on my desk. Yesterday, a coworker walked by and saw it and asked...

Get ready...

"Is that your daughter?"

I told him that was my partner, and it was cute the way the light switched on. He picked up the picture, looked at her, and said "that's so cool." Heh.

Bastard. Do I look THAT OLD?

Of course, Claire thought it was *great*.

Ah well, I'm off to work. Have a great day everyone, I'll try to get back on track posting every few days, we have a lot to discuss.

In the meantime, go to HRC.ORG and get contact info for your elected officials, today is the vote for the hate crimes bill!

Annie

Homophobic outspoken coworkers suck.

2007-08-27T21:18:00.000-05:00

This is a rant. You have been warned :)

My *ahem* very macho straight overcompensating *ahem* coworker insisted on loudly proclaiming his manliness by yet another gay bashing speech today near my office.

His rant, in a nutshell, was that gay people shouldn't display affection in public. It's perfectly okay for straight people to grope and slobber in plain view of the universe. Hand holding is okay for gays and lesbians though, so I guess I should be grateful for this magnanimous gesture on his part. I shall no longer need to feel ashamed to hold her hand!

Now, I had to stop and think - other than the PRIDE weekend - when was the last time I saw a gay or lesbian couple making out in public. Oh right... this morning. Wait, they were straight. Oh yeah, yesterday - oh wait. Straight too.

You know, I'm having trouble remembering even a single time that I have seen a gay or lesbian couple comfortable enough to kiss in a general public area. Yet, I see guys *groping* "their property" at the train station at least 3 times a week.

So, I argued for a minute - while another coworker stood there looking like he didn't know what to say - and then when he reiterated that only straight people have the right to kiss in public, and that he'd never forgive Disney for subjecting poor innocent straight families to Gay Day, well, I just turned my back to him, put my headphones on, and just dismissed the conversation.

I hope my manager heard this trash. I'm so sick of having to hear this at work.

Ugh.

I feel somewhat better now. Thanks for listening :)

Annie

Banking on Change

2007-08-25T22:37:00.000-05:00

Well, I have to say that Bank of America has restored my faith in their institution. As of today, Claire's name is officially Claire in their records, and they have made sure the employee that seriously crossed the line a few days ago now understands that trans customers shall be addressed with respect and the appropriate pronouns. To be continually addressed as 'he', 'him' etc for 30 solid minutes while dressed as a female--despite repeated pleas by me and Claire to say 'she'--was simply intolerable. To inquire as to a transgender customer's surgical status after a request to use the right pronoun was just unspeakable. We were ready to close our accounts and leave, seriously disappointed.

I will say this: Bank of America reacted quickly when informed of this situation. They escalated the problem immediately and went above and beyond to make sure we knew we were welcomed and valued customers of BoA. The employee that this case was escalated to came in on his day off--he had given me his personal cell phone number and told me to call when we were on our way in so he could leave home and meet us. We were treated wonderfully by the manager at the bank as well, and all is good with BoA.

We really appreciate the fact that this was something they were not aware of (this employee's attitude) and that they really went to great lengths to correct our experience. So, LGBT community take heed: Bank of America really does believe in their policies. They have my business for a very long time to come with the respect, kindness and professionalism they showed today.

Claire was so happy to come home today, log into her BoA account and be greeted with "Claire". We have new checks on the way in the names of Annie and Claire. In a couple of weeks, her new debit card with picture will arrive. I plan on making her buy me dinner with her own debit card as soon as she gets it. Hey, it comes out of the same bank account, so I don't feel bad making her buy ;)

Claire has an endo appt Friday. The fun part about being in transition is the fact that insurance doesn't cover trans stuff. So, the endo will be about $450 out of pocket, added to the out of pocket hormone therapy. I hope we get to the point someday where we can move transgender treatment out of the shadows and make insurance companies cover transgender issues. Hopefully the endo will up the spiro dose and maybe adjust the estrogen up a tad.

When you add the extra cost of transitioning as a permanent resident into the mix, you have about $1000 in costs just to change your name--it costs almost $400 just to change your name with immigration alone. I do wonder how people do this that make minimum wage or pay child support. The expenses just add up. Please don't misunderstand, I don't regret or resent any dollar spent towards transition. I just wish something better was in place to make it easier for people like 18 year old kids with no parental support to do this.

Laser hair removal is one week away and Claire is starting to stress a bit over it.
Thank god the doc prescribed her some Xanax. It really does help control the overwhelming and crippling anxiety that still occasionally grabs hold of her. She's come a tremendous way since beginning transition - facing her demon of severe doctor anxiety. I'm proud of her. I know laser treatment for her is painful as hell, and I feel so sorry for everyone that must undergo this and electrolysis. It just makes it so important that we get this society to a point where parents can understand that this is a valid condition and stop the wrong hormones in puberty. I'd love for us to get to a point where FTMs no longer have to face mastectomies and MTFs no longer have the ravages of testosterone to undo.

SCC (Southern Comfort Conference) is around the corner. I'm pretty excited at connecting with the community and experiencing the seminars. Should be a great time :)

Kiddo is now in Iraq, and on her way to her permanent station over there after spending a week in Kuwait. I had a complete meltdown at work last Friday--the day she boarded the plane in America to deploy. Thank god that there are some really wonderful people I work with, particularly B. and E. that checked on me throughout the day and made every effort to use humor and hugs to get me through the day. It's tough having a kid going to Iraq right now, but I'm back to coping anyway.

Well, I have a whole lot more to say, but it's after midnight and I'm worn out from a long day. I'll try to get on to post again tomorrow.

Peace, love and equality,

Annie

Tears of a clown

2007-08-18T23:07:00.000-05:00

So, the last week has been a fairly tough one, well I am the one posting .. I received my name change documents from the UK, made them legal by having my signature witnessed etc.

So we thought we would go and get my drivers license updated with the new name, shouldn't be too hard right? wrong. After waiting about 20 minutes for the girl helping us to find a supervisor who could help even more, we were told that they have no clue what a deed poll is and that they couldn't help us. The supervisor did forward the details to "legal", one week later we are still waiting.

Then we went to our bank for another simple procedure, change the name on the account from X to Y, easy right ..nope wrong again. You havn't played this game before have you? :) I can't do the whole story justice so I will let Annie when she feels up to it. Needless to say Bank of America (oops, did I print that out loud?) who supposedly gets a 100 on the HRC equality index, will be losing our accounts if I have my way.

This week our baby shipped out to Iraq, she's a combat medic and probably the sweetest, most loving, dumb ass teenager out there. But she's our baby. Emotions have been running high, good or bad my old habit of blocking emotions has helped me not lose it this week ... or did they, that power is fading, thankfully. I cannot take being emotionally dead anymore.

Last week I also signed up for one of those reunion sites to see if anyone I knew from school was around, well I found my sister. We havn't spoken for probably about 20 years (very long story, and probably not for here). I left a message saying Hi. Almost a week later and got nothing back, so figured ok, that's that then, I tried.
2 days ago I got an email back, she had been out of the country and was happy I contacted her. I then had the problem of deciding whether to tell her about "the real me" or not. In the end I decided what the hell, nothing more to lose, if she doesn't like it, I can always add her to junk email list.

I sent her to the very first post I made on here, so the words came across correctly. I received the following reply.

"ok i have read it ,and is claire you,,well if it is ,you are and always will be my brother things were never easy and if it is you,i look forward to having a sister ,im a little confused whether it is you or not ,,,but if it is please don't think i will turn my back on you ,we have missed out on each others life for far too long so either way ill always be here for you"

She's out for the weekend and said she would email again next week. I don't know how I feel about this. On one hand it could mean I have some of the "old family" again but on the other it could end up with me being hurt again and I do not want to go into the black void I used to be in.

It's almost 1am and it maybe time for a Xanax, maybe I'll add some more to this later.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

2007-08-03T21:21:00.000-05:00

Claire's official name change document is at Stansted Airport in the UK. We should have it in hand Monday morning. It's called a Deed Poll. Strange name, huh?

It's a holy crap kind of moment. It feels kind of surreal. "James" is now completely gone in "his" country of birth.

Is it bad to say I don't really remember "him" much? I mean, it is who I fell in love with, so I guess I should feel some little pang at least of loss. But I don't. Claire is just Claire. She's not ex-James, just herself. All I feel is a relief that the wait for this is over. Come what may, the deed is done. Immigration has assured us no backlash on this, but if it happens, it's done now. I'm not afraid :) Bring it on. It was worth moving to Atlanta to do this and let her break out of her holding pattern and really move on to her new life.

The only thing that has me shaking my head is the absolute breach of protocol Claire has done.

Took pills and grew boobs? Heh. No biggie.

Changed gender? Nah, no problem.

Picked the name Claire (from Breakfast Club, remember Molly Ringwald's character? I was Ally Sheedy's character mixed with Anthony Michael Hall's character in real life in school BTW)? Not the name I would have picked for myself, but no... that's not it...

She has No Middle Name!

She's Claire NMI Rushden

She said she did it because she doesn't want me using all 3 names when I'm mad, But I've informed her that she is now Claire Enemi (NMI) Rushden! when she runs afoul of my laws.

:D

Seriously though, it's really freaking cool that her new name is getting on an airplane. Beats begging a judge for permission to change it, doesn't it?

Oh yeah, and let the "Just Claire 2007" jokes begin. (Will and Grace fans will get this)

Annie

She's officially Claire!

2007-08-03T05:50:00.000-05:00

Claire received an email from the UK today telling her that her official name change documents will be fedexed today.

Cheers!

Annie

SCC and how to live life as a happy trans partner

2007-08-02T20:27:00.000-05:00

It looks like I will be able to get the Friday off for the Southern Comfort conference here. I've heard that there will be a couple of people speaking that I would love to meet, so I am really looking forward to it. I would love to talk to the activists that will be there, and would really love to attend the reading that Jennifer Boylan will give. The job fair should be great and I know Claire is looking forward to the marketplace.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I received another email a few days ago from a partner that had just realized that her spouse was trans. She was struggling to find a reason for it, and grappling with the shock and reality of what staying together will mean on her part. I am asked quite often how to deal with this issue in a positive light. I would like to give some advice to partners that are in this situation. These are my thoughts, and perhaps sharing my ideals might help you realize how I came to be the way I am.

* Be kind, step back, take a deep breath and try to empathize. Talk and find out just what your spouse has been dealing with all these years. Again, be kind.

* Realize that the hiding that has been done has not been on purpose to lie to you. It is most likely the fact that they have been deluding themselves that they could hide it forever and live a normal life. They only break down and tell when they give out trying to hide anymore.

* Realize that the physical appearance you fall in love when you meet is fleeting and degrades with age. You will have changes in your body, and your spouse in his/hers. If a relationship is only about looks, perhaps your relationship isn't strong enough to last the test of time anyway. If you are married to the soul inside the body, then that is what will last.

* Realize that a soulmate, a true love, is very rare. There are many women living with abusers, with drunks, with philanderers. If your spouse is a truly decent person, perhaps you should try to make the journey with them. You have nothing to lose if you try.

* Realize that you can't live your life worrying what others think. If your self-worth is tied into who you can be friends with and what groups you can be in, then you probably won't stand a chance.

* Realize that there will be awkward issues with sex. Again, empathize and be creative. Perhaps if you simply can't deal with the idea of exploration, then maybe a marriage without sex is an option. If you can handle the idea of snuggling and you're married to your soulmate, talk and compromise. There have been many people that transition and keep a marriage together, and not all of them have sex, just like there are several non-trans couples that eventually become platonic and still deeply in love. Ask yourself what you would do if your partner became impotent and the trans issue was never there, would it be a deal-breaker? If not, look deep and see if you can try to stay together.

* Realize that if you're willing to take a risk, to try a journey that will definitely be an experience in life, if you're willing to dig deep and understand, then perhaps you can find a happy balance and a joyous life.

* Again, if you stay, be gentle and kind. Transition is scary as hell, and there will be moments where you may get annoyed if your partner is self-centered and fascinated at changes in their body. Remember back to puberty when you experienced the same thrill, and realize that it won't last forever.

* Communicate constantly.

* Most importantly, if you don't stay together, be kind. Realize that this is not something your partner wished for. It is something they've hidden to try to spare you pain and to stay together. Please don't use children as a weapon. Set an example for them of being compassionate and understanding.

Have a good night everyone,

Annie

A gigantic step

2007-08-01T20:47:00.000-05:00

One of the big hurdles for us has been not being able to change Claire's name legally. Claire is a permanent resident, and she received her PR based on marriage over 6 years ago. We were afraid to do anything before getting citizenship which Claire isn't sure she wants to do yet. You must renounce your birth country to get American citizenship; you can't be a dual citizen. We were afraid that immigration would nullify the PR and kick her back to the UK.

After speaking with NCLR we were informed that they would really not have a strong case for deportation because the marriage was valid. But still, the worry remained. If we changed her name, what WOULD happen? NCLR's attorney that helped us said that there was no case on record like ours, so we would be a first if it happened and they tried to deport her.

But today I called immigration (from a phone not traceable to me, just in case) and spoke with them. They said that she has nothing to worry about and can change her name. If she wants a new card, though, she must pay $370 for one.

So my beloved Claire finally put in for a name change in her home country. She could never decide on a middle name so she decided to go without. Now we wait and see if it goes through. If it does, then her name will legally change and we won't have to go through the painful process of publishing in the newspaper for 4 weeks and then going before a judge. So here's hoping!

It's been pretty crazy here in Atlanta. My new job is going well but I have a lot to handle and my manager is on a vacation, so I'm in a sink or swim situation. Thankfully I'm keeping my head above water still, although I do have a good bit of water up my nose ;)

I'm dealing with a bit of a situation with a homophobic coworker right now, but I'll post more about that tomorrow hopefully. I have a lot to catch up on!

Annie

Atlanta Pride

2007-07-04T20:50:00.000-05:00

We were very excited about Pride. This was to be the first time that either one of us had ever attended a Pride celebration, although we wanted to attend the one last year where we lived. Unfortunately, security for the one where we lived was being handled by Claire's off-duty coworkers, so attending would definitely have been bad for not getting discovered.

All week we planned our weekend. I saw an ad on the corporate TV channel that we were having a float, booth and raffle during the parade. I emailed our liaison and asked what time we should be at the parade if we wanted to be on the float. The parade was on Sunday, so we figured we would see how Saturday went and play it by ear.

Saturday morning rolled around, finally, and we got ready to go. Now Claire is still pretty new about being out fully as Claire. Before we moved, she had just started to really feel comfortable going out in androgynous dress. Now she's working on going out totally en femme, using DermaBlend to cover the shadow of facial hair that she is working on removing.

We drove over to Piedmont Park and passed by OutWrite bookstore. Much to our chagrin, amongst the city sponsored banners hung from the lightposts and the masses of people obviously on their way to the park, were people with signs damning us all to hell. When we finally arrived at the 12th street entrance to Piedmont Park, there were people screaming in bullhorns preaching that we were all sinners. As people were stopped at the light at the corner, they would blow the horn in their car nonstop to drown them out. Although it wasn't fun for our ears to be caught in the noise crossfire, it sure was funny as hell.

We entered the park and looked around. People holding hands without shame or worrying about being observed, just relaxing and being comfortable in their own relationships. It was fantastic. Hot as could be, but fantastic. We had a pretty good time walking around looking at the booths. Finally, I saw the booth for my employer. Claire and I had discussed not disclosing our situation yet because I'm in a contract to hire position right now. I kind of want to get the feel for my coworkers and make sure there isn't a problem. So we had pretty much decided against participating in the parade this year.

So, we approach the booth and I decide I will at least speak to the liaison, since he knew my name and asked me to stop by. He works in a different part of the company, so I wanted to meet him. Imagine my surprise when one of the people there said, "Hey, I know you! You work in my department!" Yup. I was now officially out at work. Didn't get to meet the liaison, but I did discover that someone that sits about 5 rows away from me in my cubicle farm was part of the volunteer team for Pride. For the record, he's a super nice guy. Claire and I had a giggle about it and went to find some lunch.

We ordered some food and Claire went to find a shady spot while I went in search of some soda. As I'm walking the rows of vendors trying to find something to drink, I hear my name being called. I dismissed it at first, thinking surely nobody knows me here. But it got more insistent, so I turned around and saw another coworker, my next door neighbor in the cubicle farm. "B" was someone I had actually worked with already at the new job, and I had thought he was really nice. Just the day before, he had commented on my wedding ring - the soulmate ring we bought from the HRC site for our anniversary. Now I understood why it caught his eye. What didn't make sense for a moment was that he was sitting next to his wife, then I noticed they both had matching LAMBDA Legal shirts on.

I walked over and said hello, and he remarked that he definitely didn't expect to see me at the festival. I figured the game was up, so I just told him the truth. His wife explained their reason for being there: both of their children are gay. He told me to go grab Claire and come eat with them on the steps, which they assured me were the coolest spot around. I did so, and as we came back over, "B" laughed and said it must be meant to be, because the head of the transgender veteran's group was talking to them. He introduced us to her and we talked for a few minutes before she had to leave.

We sat for a bit and discussed different groups to volunteer with in Atlanta, and I really felt great about the good fortune of meeting up with them at the park. After lunch, we went our separate ways and we walked around some more. I'd love to say the rest of the day was great, but there were a couple of surprises in store for us.

First, we had seen a booth for Piedmont Hospital, touting the physicians that were comfortable with LGBT patients. They had told us to stop by after lunch and actually meet the doctors. When we caught the one doctor there, a woman, we explained our search for a general practitioner that would be comfortable with a patient on hormones going through transition. Her reaction surprised us. Not only did she express that she knew nothing about it, but when she called her fellow doctor (who's life partner was helping to man the booth), he told her that he wouldn't be good for us either. She told us that actually, what we needed was to go to an AIDs clinic for our everyday physician needs. When we said we didn't need an AIDs clinic, we just wanted a regular doctor, she again told us that the AIDs clinic was our best bet. So, needless to say that neither Piedmont Hospital nor its family physicians will ever be seeing us.

So, we pick ourselves up from that encounter and press on, having a fairly good time, when we get to the Macy's booth. I walk up to see what they have and the girl hands me a perfume strip to try out and asks me to hold on for a moment. So, we stand there for a minute and she comes back and in a loud voice says "Here's one for HIM," trying to hand one to Claire. She did this to someone that had taken a lot of care to try to present as feminine as she could, was wearing a purse across her chest that definitely accentuated the fact that she had breasts, and was definitely in full out girl mode. I intercepted her hand and said something like "What do you think you're DOING?" Claire and I walked away, determined to never shop at Macy's if that's how they treat transgendered people at a Pride festival.

As we were leaving the festival, we were talking about it, and wondering why the girl from Macy's would do such a thing, when we passed someone (MtF) talking about undergoing transition and taking hormones, dressed in female clothes, but looked like they hadn't shaved in a couple of days. It was hard to grasp that even though Claire went to great pains to look as feminine as she could right now--cute girly top, girl jeans, girly tennis shoes, jewelry, makeup, the whole 9 yards--she was still treated with less respect at the Macy's booth than the person who made no effort was being treated.

All in all though, it was a great experience. Unfortunately, Claire's blood pressure tanked a bit from all the heat and dehydration (despite drinking water) and hadn't recovered enough to risk the 98 degree heat for the parade. We made a lot of good connections, met some great people, and realized that we made the right choice moving here for now.

But yeah, I don't shop at Macy's anymore. :)

Peace, Love and Happiness,

Annie

So much to catch up on

2007-07-02T19:19:00.001-05:00

It's been a whirlwind here. I find myself exhausted right now, and it's hard to sit down and write when there are so many things in chaos still. We still have so many boxes to unpack, and weekend activities have pretty much kept me wiped out and busy. I'll attempt to catch up on what we've been doing over the next couple of nights.

First, we finally made our way to Charis Bookstore while they were open the weekend of the 16th. What a lovely little shop. It's quite different from OutWrite, although they both have their charms. Charis is a nice little bookstore that caters to the feminist. We found some great books there and took one home with us. It's quiet and relaxing, and they have a nice single person bathroom--which is very comfortable for Claire right now. The two shopkeepers were so gracious and helpful and gave us lots of advice about the area. They had a busy week planned for the Atlanta Pride festival.

We were starving when we left Charis, and Claire wasn't feeling up to heading across the street to Little 5 Points yet. It was quite busy with some sort of arts festival. So we hopped in the car and headed over to Edgewood Shopping Center and had some lunch at a little Italian place. I have to giggle at the thought that Claire can be so funny about what makes her nervous. Walking around in a notoriously gay-friendly little village (Little 5 Points) causes anxiety, yet going into Home Depot or a mainstream restaurant in broad daylight in a "normal" shopping center is okay. The day I figure her out, I'll let you know. Until then, I remain mystified.

Over the next few days, we went several mainstream places together: Target, Lowes, Home Depot, and Publix. Claire doesn't go out as "CJ" anymore, now it's out as "Claire" or nothing. It's very cool, because I know she needs to get comfortable as her true self. I haven't had to utter the "other" name for almost four weeks, and I finally feel like my split personality is fading *grin*.

Our Amityville Horror house has been chilling out a little. We don't have as many bug issues now, down to a manageable 2-3 bugs a day that have to be terminated, and the house now has more insulation in the roof (oh, what a story I have about that process) . I'll stop here for the night and pick up with our experience at Pride tomorrow night. I'll also tell you why I'm now boycotting Macy's and Piedmont Hospital.

Oh, and by the way - Atlanta has a phone book called the Gay Yellow Pages. Every business in the book is either gay owned/operated or gay friendly. We also have a gay and lesbian chamber of commerce. How cool is that?

Peace, Love and Happiness,

Annie

Such an exciting day

2007-06-16T21:58:00.000-05:00

Today was Claire's first full day en femme in Atlanta.

We started out the day by getting dressed to go to the zoo. The first thing we decided was to buy an annual pass ($79 get two people admission for a year) and we had to deal with the policy that they normally have in place - you must show picture ID with your membership card. So I spoke to them and showed them the letter from the therapist stating that James is undergoing transition and should be addressed as Claire and treated with all the normal protocol afforded to a natal female. Because Claire can't change her name legally yet (other paperwork is pending with the government) she has all male picture IDs. They were very gracious and said just show the letter with the card until the people that work the membership area get to know her. Thus, she now has a zoo membership card coming in her name. Very exciting. The zoo itself isn't the best zoo, but it is a good place for her to get comfortable in a crowd.

We had a pretty good time, and only got a couple of stares. Claire is about 6'5", so she's a very tall woman. She has a slight build, and she's pretty passable. Most people don't even notice her. But some do, and they see the heavy makeup (dermablend) required to hide that damn black hair on her face. We're going to have to find a MAC counter and see if they have anything that will do a better job. But for the most part, I would stand back and observe passers-by, and what I saw was that 99% of the people paid no notice to my 6'5" beloved. The remaining ones that did--all but 3 of them just glanced and moved on. Nobody was nasty, thankfully.

From there, we came home, touched up makeup, used the restroom and headed back out to Kohl's. Talk about jumping in with both feet. Claire was amazing today. My very brave girl mingled with the people in Kohl's, got some cute clothes, and only had one family act up. Just nudges and whispers, but I thought it might take the wind out of Claire's sails. Thankfully, I was wrong. Claire really started to believe in herself today, and it showed. She didn't care what people thought about her, she just went about her business today as the fabulous woman she is. I do have to say, that the employees in Kohl's were fabulous. We dealt closely with 3 of them, and if they noticed anything, they didn't let on.

We ran into CVS to grab some nail repair stuff. A pretty uneventful excursion, we saw no reactions at all.

Back to the house we went, to have a late lunch, feed the puppies, let Claire have a quick shave and a reapplication of makeup, and off we went again. This time we went back to the Outwrite bookstore. We both had a lovely cappuccino and we split a banana nut muffin. After that, we jumped back in the car and headed to PetSmart. We interacted with a store employee, browsed around, Claire used the women's room, and some young punk guy nudged his girlfriend and whispered to her about Claire. Claire just held her head high and shot him a look that basically let him know he was a small-minded jerk. We walked right by him and he wouldn't look at us. We paid and left, and Claire was just doing fantastic.

After that, we cruised over to Little 5 Points and checked out the shops. The other bookstore we wanted to check out--Charis Books--was closed, so we grabbed some Mexican food and headed home. Hopefully, we can hit the bookstore tomorrow. We have it on good authority that it's a really cool bookstore if you're trans.

All in all, Claire had a great first really full day in the general population as herself. Starting to live full time before beard removal has had sufficient time to work may not be all that easy, but staying home and being a housewife certainly takes the pressure off right now. As for me, I'm just thrilled watching my sweetheart take these steps and build her confidence. I had a priceless day with her, and it made all the hassle of moving to Atlanta so very worth it.

She's tempting me away from the computer with Dove ice cream, so I must go. Can't say no to Dove, ya know.

Peace, Love, and Inspiration,
Annie

ps - if you're going to Atlanta Pride, drop me an email!

Long week :)

2007-06-15T22:26:00.001-05:00

Well, the chaos is subsiding and it looks like life might be finally settling down. I have to say we're loving Atlanta. Claire was able to go out en femme tonight - complete with using a pushup bra with her own physique instead of using breast forms as augmentation. This was a huge first time experience. We had a lovely evening, including going to the Outwrite Bookstore and getting a new book (Head over Heels). Claire's energy is changing and the constant tension she was carrying is finally dissipating.

We drove by the Star Bar, where apparently Twinkledome was happening tonight, but decided to stay a little low key tonight. So instead, we hit a quiet Starbucks in Little 5 Points, which promptly filled up with people. Claire was a little nervous at first, having really only ever gone to LGBT friendly places en femme before, but when nobody gave her a second look she settled in.

After Starbucks, we drove over to Barnes and Noble, just to walk around for a few minutes in another general public place. Again, nobody gave Claire a second look.

Tomorrow we plan on hitting the zoo. We had planned on buying a year's membership, but we found out that you have to present your card plus an ID when you get in. The only picture IDs Claire has are in the name of James with a male picture. So we're going to talk to a manager tomorrow and see if there is anything they can do, as Claire really wants a membership in the name Claire, as we were planning on the zoo being a safe place to go for outings for Claire to practice her photography skills.

After the zoo tomorrow, we're planning on coming home for a bit, then heading back out for coffee again and more just being out in public time. I'm looking forward to it, because I love being out with her in our own town and not having to hide.

Peace, Love and Equality,

Annie

We're here!

2007-06-10T19:59:00.000-05:00

So, I'd love to be able to share how easy and wonderful our move is with everyone. But...

*sigh*

I have never rented a place sight unseen before, but this place looked great in pictures. So, we went ahead and rented it since I didn't have time to travel up to look at it first. So after many little glitches, we hit the road to Atlanta. We arrived in Decatur and pulled up to our new home. The landlord is a realtor, so he left the key in a lockbox for us, so we grabbed the key and went inside.

We walked into our lovely new kitchen and realized we weren't alone. Apparently we had about 200 roommates, swarming all over the kitchen. Yup. Roaches. Now, I've lived in houses that had an occasional roach, sometimes it's just unavoidable. But this... well... oh my god.

The bathroom mirror harbored a colony of the little guys. And the tub -- ants.

Oh, and of course, now we're in a new town 4 hours from our old home, and the movers are on the way with our stuff. There's not a whole slew of options at 6pm on a Friday.

Oh, and yes... the air conditioning. The a/c was broken. 98 degrees, no air, and roaches. Yup, Atlanta was starting out great!

So the landlord came over, and told us he'd hired a company to clean and do pest control, and was unaware of the problems. He offered to split a hotel room 50/50 with us for the night, and is getting an HVAC guy here tomorrow hopefully. He did buy a bunch of pest control sprays and we put those down immediately as we waited for the moving company to show up. They arrived 2 hours late, and one of the guys smelled of booze.

So now, it was 10 pm Friday, we're in Atlanta and no way in hell were we spending the night in our new home. So we ask the landlord what a good hotel to hit was. He recommends a Holiday Inn near Turner Field. So, you would think the night would get better, right? Romantic, quiet evening in a nice hotel.

You'd be wrong.

Yes, we stayed next to Turner Field on the night of a Braves game.

Until midnight, people screamed, banged on doors and sounded like they were going to rip them from their hinges. We finally fell asleep at midnight, and at 12:30am our phone rang. Guest Services wanted to know if we'd ORDERED a PIZZA. I was not a pleasant person to this employee.

So, I finally fall back asleep around 1, and have to get up at 6 to get back to the house and get ready to go to the airport to catch my flight back to Savannah, get my SUV, finish cleaning my old place and drive to get my 2 german shepherds and drive them up. Four hours in an SUV with two wound up german shepherds is not fun. It's even less fun driving on I-20 in Atlanta with shepherds rocking the SUV. But, we made it. The dogs fell in love with their new backyard.

When I got here yesterday it was about 98 degrees outside and poor Claire has been cooking. Aldactone drops your blood pressure and hers is low anyway, so she had to be very careful to stay hydrated. She says she lost 2 pounds in sweat yesterday.

I sprayed the hell out of the house with some strong perimeter spray and for the most part I think we have most of the roach problem in hand. So we stayed here. We pulled our bed into the center of the room so it wasn't touching any walls and made sure no blankets touched the floor. I sprayed a big square around us and had a giggle thinking that it was akin to a pagan ceremony. Then we laid there and slept very lightly -- waking every so often and eyeballing the ceiling. Yes, we left the lights on!

My Galaxie was delivered in one piece thankfully :)

So now I sit here sweating in my new home. I don't see any roaches but my bathtub is filled with dead ants. I don't know where my clothes are for my first day tomorrow and I'm absolutely wiped out.

I have to say that poor stressed out little Claire is handling all this bug stuff with tremendous grace. I wish her start in Atlanta could have been easier, but I think that once we get the problems sorted out here it will be a nice little house for us. I did have a lovely morning drinking coffee on the huge deck watching the pups play. We're planning on doing that for breakfast tomorrow.

Here's hoping I won't get lost and I'll be able to catch the MARTA train with no glitches.

Thanks for all the emails and PMs everyone sent! I'll keep you posted.

Annie

T minus 1

2007-06-07T06:19:00.000-05:00

Today is the last visit to the chiropractor (and great friend) Dr. T - a really tough goodbye. After that, we head on to our friend Ted's hair salon, where Claire will be getting her first 'official' girl haircut. She's also going to get her eyebrows touched up - better her than me lol ;) Another really tough goodbye. We tried to drop some flowers off to our regular doctor, who has been overseeing Claire's hormone therapy, but her office was closed yesterday.

After that, a quick lunch with my son and back to finish packing the house. Our antique Galaxie should be on a car carrier by that time and headed back to Atlanta, the city where she was manufactured.

Tonight, the dogs go to a boarding facility to wait out our move. I fly back Saturday morning to pick up my SUV and haul them up from Savannah to Atlanta. 4 hours with 2 german shepherds in close quarters... whew. Fun.

Tomorrow at around 9am we have to be ready to go, as the movers will be arriving. They should be done packing us up around 1-2pm and then we'll be on our way to a transgender friendly city. I'm really excited at the idea of Claire having the pressure off of her to pretend to be someone she isn't. This will give her some time to work on her voice, figure out what career she really wants and just settle in to her proper identity.

On a somewhat related note: today at 10:45am, Steve Stanton officially becomes Susan Ashley Stanton. I hope she has a great day to celebrate her officially shedding the wrong identity and embracing her proper one.

Cable gets shut off today, so we'll be back online by Monday hopefully.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Annie

Of goodbyes and empty offices...

2007-06-06T17:01:00.001-05:00

Today was my last day at the county and Claire's last day at her agency. I feel so torn between sorrow of leaving friends and excitement about starting our new life. I leave behind a couple of really close friends and quite a few more really great people that have been so wonderful to be around. Leaving the courthouse today was like running the gauntlet, people demanding hugs and wishing us all the best in Atlanta. My best buddy Brian was definitely hard to say goodbye to. He's been a great friend to us, and has known about Claire's condition for months. Frances, my wonderful friend, embroidered a gorgeous present for Claire: a magnet with the "Put on your big girl panties and deal with it" phrase and her wishes for a successful and happy life as Claire in Atlanta.

We put the real reason for our leaving on our exit interviews, so I'm sure our workplace will be buzzing with the news by tomorrow.

I'm off to go pack. Cable keeps cutting in and out so I better get busy ;)

Peace, love and happiness,

Annie

Of landlords and bunker gear...

2007-05-29T19:20:00.000-05:00

We were approved for our house in Atlanta. We're pretty excited, because it has a huge deck and backyard for the puppies. We have the movers booked, and I'm trying to sell 3 cars in 2 weeks. Hopefully I'll succeed :)

I turned in my bunker gear tonight as my final act with the fire department. Of course, I was asked if I'm leaving my search dogs. Sometimes it's tempting -- when they're being crazy. But my K-9 would go on a hunger strike if I left him, so as much as I hate leaving the department with no search dogs, he's coming with us.

As I was getting ready to go, my fire chief walked over to me. Now, my chief is a bit different. He's a brilliant engineer with a very quiet but twisted sense of humor. Most people don't get him, but I do. I have the greatest respect for him. So anyway, he walked over to me and I said "Hi Chief." He just looked at me, gave a crooked sad smile and a slight shake of his head, walked up, grabbed my head and gave me a noogie. Yup, you read that right. In front of half the department, my chief saluted my leaving with the ultimate juvenile gesture. He then quietly walked off as I laughed and said "Thank you Sir!" and saluted. I couldn't have asked for a more touching send off from a really good guy. I know some of the new guys might not have understood why I was so touched by the gesture, but the old timers sure did.

I was glad I'd said all my other goodbyes, because after that I walked away from the group--past the tankers and engines idling along the road of the training site--to my truck, hiding the tears that streamed down my face.

Stay safe, my awesome brothers. You've been so great.

I'm 10-42.

Annie

Office Space

2007-05-26T16:17:00.000-05:00

So we took a break from packing to watch a television show, and what was on? Office Space,a movie I have watched so many times I have lost count.

So Claire is sitting there snickering because she's pointing out I'm going back to the land of cubicles.

At least I have a red Swingline stapler. :)

Packing packing packing...

2007-05-26T14:04:00.000-05:00

Ugh. I hate packing! But, we're having fun, or at least I'm telling myself that :)

Hopefully, our application for a place a couple of miles from East Atlanta and Little 5 Points in Decatur will be approved. The house is a little bit smaller than now but the yard is huge and I think the dogs will love it. There is also a huge deck that I can see Claire and the puppies hanging out on during the day.

Well the taskmaster--I mean Claire--is cracking the whip, so I must go pack some more.

Annie

(re)Meet the Parents

2007-05-24T19:44:00.000-05:00

Better late than never - I want to share our experience Mother's Day weekend.

Friday, Claire and I packed our bags, dropped the dogs at the vet and set off on a journey that was scaring the hell out of Claire. We were going to Florida to hang with family. My dad was about to meet the real Claire. So were my 2 aunts, my uncle and my grandmother.

Yikes.

Everyone has known since before Christmas. We've sent photos. Mom and my sister were up here to visit, so Mom was a known reaction. But Claire was stressed out. How would people react? Should she visit Grandma, aunts and uncle as Claire or in androgynous mode? What about Dad, would he want to call her Claire or CJ? Would they want to go out somewhere with Claire?

So we left home. Driving down the road, an hour into the trip, my beloved--in a fine mood to begin with and dressed androgynously to ease the restroom stops--cussed loudly. She'd forgotten something. Something quite important. Mainly, breast forms to help augment her growing figure. To say she was unhappy is an understatement.

No, she didn't want to go home. But maybe she did. She was pretty upset and for about 30 miles we went back and forth on whether to go back for them. We finally decided we would improvise when we got down there. She said that she wasn't used to going somewhere with them without actually wearing them.

We got down to Tampa and settled in with Mom. Dad came home a bit later and we had a nice evening. The next day, Mom, Claire (in androgynous mode as 'CJ') and I went shopping and tried to find a replacement for the missing bra and padding. We had a lovely time. We went back to my parents' house and Claire and I wrestled Mom's 2 dogs into getting portraits taken. At the same time, Claire also took a portrait of my sister's dog, who was boarding with Mom while my sister took her baby to visit the other grandparents. We developed the portraits into 8x10s and Claire presented Mom with the pictures, thrilling her beyond belief. So, with my earrings I made for Mom and Claire's pet portraits, Mom had a great Mother's Day.

Mom and I went out shopping at Midnight with her two sisters to get my grandma a new garden swing. While we were out, Claire crashed at the house exhausted. My aunts expressed worry about messing up the next day with pronouns, etc. I assured them that Claire didn't care if they slipped, and that she was more nervous than them. I grabbed a bouquet of flowers for Claire and when we got home I put them in a vase and left them on the nightstand next to her as a Mother's Day present.

Sunday morning we decided it was time for Claire to actually dress the part and go meet the rest of the family en femme. When we got over to grandma's house, we discovered that my uncle was there too (we hadn't expected that) so that was a bit of a shock. Everything went pretty smoothly, and we found out that the cover of the St. Pete Times was graced with the picture of Susan Stanton in her debut to the world as a woman. My aunts wanted Claire to take portraits of their dogs, so Miss Pet Photographer was busy. She got a couple of really cute pictures and made my aunts very happy girls.

On our way home, we stopped at CVS to print out Claire's puppy pictures. We actually walked into CVS before remembering that Claire was dressed en femme. It was just so natural. It felt great to just be out--me, Mom and Claire.

When we got home, the three of us sat back and scarfed down some Olive Garden takeout and my dad walked in. Claire was still fully dressed up, wig and all, and dad just looked and smiled, grabbed his food and settled into a normal routine.

It was all in all a fantastic weekend for all involved. Claire was a hit, and really settled into being her true self. I had a great time being with her, and it really just reinforced how important it would be right now to be on the path we are - moving to Atlanta and letting her at least stop living part time as James. At least now she can be CJ (the androgynous one) and Claire instead of being James and being too scared to dress up and go anywhere within an hour of home.

I have had it reinforced just how much my family amazes me. From my 80 year old grandmother telling Claire "make yourself at home sweetie", to my aunts for being so incredibly wonderful and using all the right pronouns and names, to my uncle for not even batting an eye, mom for running around town with us and not even thinking twice, to dad for being so supportive as well, they are a great family and I'm so proud we have them.

Peace, love and happiness,

Annie

Back from interviews

2007-05-22T20:41:00.000-05:00

Well, it's official. I have a job offer from Atlanta.

We have to move in two weeks. Can we say stressed out girls here?

We're trying to find a place to rent by using craigslist and rentlist.net, but it's hard when you can't be there to walk through the neighborhoods. If anyone knows anything about East Point, Marietta or Decatur in general, let me know :D

The meaning of a heavy heart

2007-05-20T20:22:00.000-05:00

(I have so many half written posts, I'll get back to posting daily once this trip is over)

Tonight is the first night Claire and I have spent apart in a very long time. I am in Atlanta tonight preparing for interviews tomorrow. If I get the job I hope to get tomorrow morning, Claire will be able to transition now because I will be making enough for both of us to live on while she establishes herself in her new identity. I drove around and visited a couple of rental houses here, imagining Claire staying at home and playing housewife for a while as she decides and experiments with what she really would like to do for a career.

As I left the house today, I realized something. I am in my late 30s, and have been in a few relationships. I always enjoyed being sent out of town on business or for any reason at all so I could have some alone time. Honestly, when "James" was working nights, I hated it but kind of enjoyed the break from what could be a tense time due to "his" depression.

But today... oh today.

I went to leave and realized that the idea of driving across a state and spending the night without her just plain hurt. I've never felt this with anyone before. It was nice to realize that the sadness I felt on driving away was a true testament to how very strong our marriage is, but I felt tears well up as I drove off.

Six years of marriage. A few hundred miles. And my heart felt like it weighed 40 pounds in my chest as I hit the highway.

I remember reading when Linda McCartney died that she and Paul never spent a night apart. I used to wonder how they could do that and never *want* to spend at least a little time alone. I understand now. I have Claire's picture sitting in front of me while I study tonight, and oh how I understand.

And although tonight I share my bed with nothing but the little stuffed bear we named Charlotte that we bought years ago at Birmingham Zoo (something to occupy Claire's pillow, placed in my bag by her), I feel honored and blessed. For, although some people may look at my life and wonder "why does she stay while her 'husband' becomes a woman?" I know the truth. I have the brass ring. I have a love that transcends all I have ever dreamed possible.

Good night, my sweet, beautiful Claire. I miss you desperately and love you ferociously.

Annie

Long time no blog...

2007-05-15T18:17:00.000-05:00

It has been just a crazy few days. Between being out of town and being consumed with job hunting and relocation, it's been so very, very hard to get on and post.

So much to report. Where should I start?

We have been struggling with the idea of what we would do if Claire lost her job--a very real possibility given the agency she works for and her condition. We were comfortably living within our means, but without a whole lot of wiggle room. This means that if she lost her job and had trouble replacing it, we would be in trouble. This has caused a lot of stress.

We had also been planning on moving to Portland, Oregon in a couple of years. But, in order to be able to afford the move without a lot of stress (several thousand dollars and a complicated move), we probably wouldn't have everything paid off in time.

So, out of the blue, I received a letter from a recruiter. I'm a high level computer nerd, so I do get headhunted every now and then. That's when it hit me. If we moved to a bigger city with a comparable cost of living, I could easily make 20k more than I do now, which would mean that the financial load could fall on my shoulders for stability. Then, whatever Claire makes could pay off bills faster, but if she were to lose her job in the new place, we would be financially able to weather it. Added to that the fact that bigger cities have more tolerance, it would be easier all around. We could stay there for 3-4 years and pay off everything, and save money for a down payment on a house in Portland.

The most important thing of all though, is that when we move, Claire could immediately adopt an androgynous appearance and go by initials while she works--thus stopping the being called James during the day and Claire at night. She could basically shed the need to be James and at least start living in a transitional state.

So, that said, I placed a resume on a couple of the big job boards, and have been deluged. Apparently my skill set is in high demand, and I have narrowed down the offers to a few. We are now deciding on a location - Lakeland or Jacksonville in Florida or Atlanta, Georgia. I know the Jax scene, but I have no clue about Lakeland. It could be highly intolerant of LGBT issues. I would love some feedback from anyone with Lakeland experience.

I've got to wrap this up for a little while and go take care of some stuff, but I'll post again tonight to fill you in on our adventure of Claire meeting the family as Claire this past weekend.

Oh, and Susan Stanton's portrait was in the St. Pete Times. She looked so gorgeous and that smile was just worth 1,000 words. Today it was announced she's in the final round of interviews for the Sarasota city manager job. And she got a toaster from Jenny Boylan. What else does a girl need? *grin* We're so proud of you Susan! And Sarasota, you just plain rock. Thank you so much for being so fair and wonderful.

Have you seen the Gender issue of Newsweek? Fabulous articles. Really, really great.

Peace, Love and Equality,

Annie

Thanks Comcast!

2007-05-06T11:35:00.000-05:00

Comcast has finally fixed our Internet access. Life is good again! We're getting ready to make a trip down to Florida to visit my family. Claire is a bit nervous because she hasn't seen my Pop since the "truth" came out.

I messaged Popperoni this morning to pass along a question from Claire. Mom and Sis have seen Claire both dressed as Claire and in androgynous mode, and Claire wanted to know how to dress to make dad comfortable.

Dad replied with "I'm a nudist at heart, so if I had my druthers... but your mom says I can't, so whatever she wants, just tell her she should probably shave her legs if she's planning on a miniskirt. The French look is kind of frowned on down here in our neck of the woods."

It's really made me proud the way my family has treated this whole life change. Really, really proud. My dad was talking about Stanton a few weeks back, and he was so angered at the commission's decision to fire and the comments made at the "trial." His comment was "This is discrimination. Don't these people realize that this is something she can't change any more than people can change the color of their skin? She (Stanton) didn't ask to be born this way any more than any of us get to pick our attributes." Yup, my Popperoni is a good guy.

So today I plan to catch up on my web design work, and work on mom's Mother's Day present. I'm still debating what I'm going to make - I think I'm going to design her some really nice gold-filled earrings. And (shh... don't tell Claire -- Claire, stop reading now!) but I have to figure out what to make her as well. I figured it would be nice to give her something too :) I know her favorite present would be to have Kiddo here and safe, and not planning her deployment to Iraq, but I can't quite give her that.

Okay, I'm off to catch up on everything.

Peace, Love and Happiness,

Annie

General ramblings

2007-05-02T20:57:00.000-05:00

Comcast has it in for us. We've had Internet access in spurts for the last week. It's been very obnoxious but at least I have almost hit the 14,000 word mark in a novel I'm writing. I get captivated by my character's story, and will catch myself thinking about her and what's next in her story as I go about my day. I find myself falling asleep with my mind firmly stuck in the world I am trying to weave in the book. It's an urban fantasy, a little dark, a little funny. I didn't map out the book in advance; I'm just letting my imagination run with me as I write.

I tend to put on the headphones and crank some music to drown out the evil television in the background, and sometimes I'll write for an hour before realizing I have played the same song nonstop (Trans Siberian Orchestra - Carol of the Bells... oh yeah...) because it all just goes background. So I've pretty much concentrated on that this week.

Claire tonight went through a hormonally charged evening (thanks, estradiol!) and obsessed over everything from her egocentric coworker to imagining that the two pounds she put on in four days was somehow not water weight. Hormone counteraction therapy in the form of homemade french fries was administered and said evening turned around.

She is pushing the envelope with her nails. We found a very sheer pink that she went over her clear nail polish with. I can't see it with one coat but she swears it's day-glo pink. Well, tonight a second coat went on and I realized "hey, this has sparklies in it!"

So now she has fairly "healthy" looking nails (read - PINK!) that shimmer in the light. Let's see if anyone notices that. I still don't know how anyone can look at her and not see the neon sign over her head that proclaims her girlness.

Ah well. She's still cute, even if she is a bit stressed. She was so stressed when she got home she stepped in the shower with her eyeglasses on. What else can you do but have a good laugh when something like that happens? She's hanging in there. :)

My dog is making strange noises as I type. If you've ever played with the child's toy that sounds like a mooing cow when you tip it over, you know the sound. He was half-asleep and making that sound every time Claire stroked his head, so she made him do it about 30 times. I have a strange household sometimes. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Peace, Love and Happiness,

Annie

More about the 20/20 special. Heaviness and hope

2007-04-29T20:40:00.000-05:00

Claire and I discussed this show at length, and heard people (in the TG community) talking about the fact that this show was heavy, or really moved them.

At first, when the show came on, Claire commented "Oh, it's about little kids?" not realizing beforehand what the show was about. As it turned out, I think the fact that the show was about young trans kids really helped a lot. Here's why:

Partners of transsexuals and people that just feel they need to demean TG people use the following arguments to vilify them. By showing that children as young as two and a half years of age are in severe emotional distress, the following common arguments are negated:

1. Transitioning is a selfish act. If the TS person loved then they would just deal with it quietly and not break up their family.

You can't say that children are being selfish about relationships at the age of three. Their pain was all too vivid, in the home movies and stories the parents told. What you see there is the amount of pain that is suffered by someone that is transgendered. The only difference is these kids are able to have a good start on their lives by beginning their adult lives with their identity firmly in place, as opposed to people like Claire, like Steve/Susan Stanton, like all the thousands of transsexuals that hide their entire lives out of shame and fear until they can no longer fight the battle.

2. Transsexuals are perverts or fetishists.

This one is obvious. As the spouse of a transsexual, it is so easy for me to understand that being TS is a matter of identity. It has nothing to do with sex. But people see that word nestled in the middle of the word transsexual and all of a sudden, they are lumped in with every perversion in the world. The one that really just rips my heart out is to hear people equate being trans to being a child molester. So, look at a small child. What is perversion when you have no concept of sex itself, but just of body classification and identity? How can a toddler have a fetish?

#

It breaks my heart to think of Claire hating birthdays as a young child. To see the pain so real and vivid as little Riley breaking down into tears just makes me look at my Claire and wonder how the hell she hung on to her secret as long as she did.

Claire and I believe that the reason that the show was so incredibly powerful is that it strips the arguments away that negate or downplay the pain and suffering that transgender people experience.

It is our hope that somewhere, some parents will see their children--be they young or old--with fresh eyes, and open their hearts and minds.

It is our hope that somewhere, a spouse who sees her partner's struggle with transition to be a selfish and uncaring act will realize that their partner fought valiantly for years to fight pain that is so incredibly visible in early childhood.

It is our sincere hope that somewhere, a child that is suffering will hear of the show, realize there is a name to their condition, and know that there is hope for a real life.

And finally, it is always a deep hope in our hearts that our society can move forth from the position that transgendered people should not be spoken about publicly and into a position of accepting them as the productive and decent citizens they are.

Wishing you peace on earth and good will towards humans,

Annie and Claire

Barbara Walters

2007-04-27T22:19:00.000-05:00

I am so thankful tonight for...

Barbara Walters
20/20
Parents who understand that their transgender children are normal kids with a physical problem and work to get them comfortable
The fact that Gender Identity Disorder is finally getting well-known enough that people don't have to hide their whole lives.
My Claire, who is so incredibly special
Jennifer Finney Boylan, who had the guts to write such a personal book that brings tremendous warmth, tears and laughter, and who's book was seen in the show tonight as giving guidance to some parents
The tears that were finally able to flow tonight, watching that program
All the people, who's lives are not touched personally by transgender issues, but have the courage to step up and be decent and enlighten others

Old Mike, New Christine - LA Times sports reporter comes out as TS

2007-04-26T11:16:00.000-05:00

In his article here, Mike Penner of the Los Angeles Times wrote today that he will be taking a vacation and coming back as Christine Daniels.

Not only do I applaud Mike Penner for his bravery in finally coming out of hiding and enlightening the world as he does so, but his column was so wonderful and well written.

I'm thrilled that the LA Times is so supportive, and is planning on welcoming Christine with open arms. In a few weeks, Christine will be living Claire's dream--being her true self at last.

God speed, Christine, we look forward to your debut!

Gender games, continued

2007-04-24T22:27:00.000-05:00

So, I'm trying to get away from wearing 5.11 ATACS (tactical boots) and BDUs to work. I work as a network administrator for a large organization, and they've accepted me for who I am. Heck, I wore combat boots to my job interview. You just never know when you'll need to be appropriately dressed to respond to an emergency at work, right?

So today, I went to work in linen pants and a tailored pale blue woman's shirt, with brown kitten heels. I was noticed by some coworkers who asked me what the heck was going on with dressing somewhat girly. One coworker, Sean, (always a quick one with the jokes) told the others not to move too quickly, lest they scare me back into black clothing and 5.11s.

I just joked with them that my spouse and my mom were trying to get me to dress like a real girl, and rolled my eyes. Sean then made the comment that if I didn't have kids, he'd wonder about me.

Oh, if he only knew!

Nothing much else happening right now. I've been working on some jewelry and writing my novel. I'm really enjoying writing urban fantasy. It may never get published, but at least I'll have tried. I'm an hour late for bed, but I hit the 5000 word mark, so I'm happy.

Metta,

Annie

Damn that Mary Kay...

2007-04-23T20:07:00.000-05:00

Claire hates me now. And the irony is killing me.

We were out Saturday taking pictures of a festival in our town and several vendors had booths set up. One booth was for Mary Kay, which I noticed immediately because Claire was poking me in the ribs hissing "Mary Kay, Mary Kay!" in my ear. They had a huge gift basket they were giving away as a prize. So I entered my name hoping to win it for Claire. Since Claire was dressed in androgynous mode, and we were in our home town, it wasn't prudent to have her enter as her own name.

Well, guess who called tonight. Yup. The Mary Kay salesperson. I had given her my cell phone number, which has never--in a whole year--had reception at my house. Well, the damn thing rang. At my house. And when I answered it, the phone had a good connection and didn't lose it even though I moved around trying to drop the connection. I didn't win the basket, but I did win a "pampering session" and a free lipstick or gloss.

Of course I did. Because, see, I never win anything I actually want! I have as much interest in getting my colors read or getting a facial as well... as getting a free lipstick. I'm a tomboy. Color things on faces are not my speed. Now, Claire on the other hand is beside herself, because she would love, love, LOVE that.

*sigh*

So... I know that "pampering sessions" are often used by Mary Kay to hook new customers, so I know that part is not much, but waving a free lipstick at Claire is likely to inspire her to ask her partner to do whatever it takes to get it.

She wants me to go.

She wants to come "hang out" and get tips. While I pretend to be having fun getting *gasp* makeup applied to my face.

I don't know if I love her THAT much.

We had an exchange a few minutes ago that went like this (bear in mind we're cracking up laughing the entire time)
Claire: "Bitch. You stole my makeover."
Me: "I don't even want the stupid thing! That's torture! I'm NOT going."
Claire: "You have to. I want to hear the TIPS."
Me: "No way chickie, I'm not getting tortured for you."
Claire: "I hope you get fat overnight!" *flounces off laughing*

She cracks me up. I don't know if it's a good idea to ask someone in our small hick town if she's TG friendly, because Claire will obviously get outed if she isn't. But it would be so much fun to go somewhere local and do something. Perhaps I will go and pretend I'm interested and let Claire "help me pick out a color or two". Perhaps we should just book something out of town. I hate that she has to hide in plain sight still.

I don't know anything about Mary Kay cosmetics, so if anyone has some feedback I'd love to hear it. Is Mary Kay worth the money? Not having a MAC counter anywhere nearby, is Merle Norman better?

In the meantime, she better stop throwing pillows at me.

Metta,

Annie

Spousal Support...

2007-04-22T19:34:00.000-05:00

So today I have to rant about something. If you are transgendered, there are several support sites that you can use. My Husband Betty, Crossdressers.com, and other sites are available to the transgendered and their SOs (significant others). There are many private groups that only GGs (Genetic Girls) can belong to as a support group.

Unfortunately, SO support forums (and I have joined several) tend to be extremely negative, and that's not what I want. I don't want a list that fills my inbox with negativity. I want a place where I can ask for and give advice, talk about things, and get feedback to help elevate me into a good place while dealing with this. If I need support and encouragement, then the last thing I want is hate and misery. A support group should allow people to voice concerns and fears and get reassurance and support.

I want to help SOs that are having trouble. I love to help people. That's why I volunter with the fire department. But I don't want a place where someone posts a problem and 20 people respond with "hell yeah, kick him to the curb!" and try to one-up each other on how awful their lives are. I am a big believer in surrounding yourself with positive energy, and I just can't bring myself to join in groups that allow so much bashing to go on. It is unhealthy and unproductive. It also scares me, because partners that are new to the "married to a TS" experience are scared and need guidance. If they are on the fence of staying or leaving a marriage, and all they see are bitter posts stating that all TS people are self-centered jerks, it could really affect a marriage. I just want to get on a soapbox and yell "hey wait, not everyone is miserable!"

Now, if a partner has always been a selfish jerk and is now being a selfish jerk in transition, that's not a trans issue. In that case, you're with a jerk that's making you miserable, so yeah, leave. I left one--not in transition, just a egocentric jerk. It was hard, but I survived rebuilding my life and career with small kids. Divorce sucks, but so does staying in a relationship that kills you, emotionally or physically.

If Claire was nasty, abusive, uncaring, self-centered and made me miserable, then I wouldn't be here. I would be gone from the marriage. I am not required to stay because of some perverse rule that I must be supportive. Life's too short to stay with someone you hate, much less support them through transition if they haven't been a fully vested partner themselves.

However, I love Claire ferociously, and she returns the favor. She's kind, sweet, wonderful and afflicted with being trans. Of course I stay and fully engage in this issue. Someday she'll be fully transitioned and things will settle down. We won't have to worry about being outed, about job loss, about hair removal. Then we can kick back and just be ourselves with just normal worldly worries.

My point here is that if you are deeply in love and want to make it work, there is no "SO only" place to go that will elevate you towards your goal, no place where you can express pain and get *helpful* feedback on dealing with an issue. If I have a question about hormones and what to expect, I don't want "If my spouse changes his plumbing I'm outta here" type responses, I want normal thoughtful repsonses. If someone knows of that place, where people that do love and cherish their partners go to ask questions and get support gather, please let me know. In the meantime, I shall continue doing it my way: with research, buddhist approaches to life, and deep honest conversations with Claire.

Dealing with a relationship that is in transition is like swimming to safety with your best friend making sure you both keep your heads above water. A negative only support group is a cement block tied to your ankles.

Metta,

Annie

Showdown: Handbags at Dawn...

2007-04-21T23:06:00.000-05:00

It's been a wild couple of days for handbags...

#

Friday afternoon Claire and I had a chiropractor appointment. Dr. T was quite funny as usual and said she was dying to see a picture of Claire dressed as a girl. We decided that we'd take some pictures and let Dr. T see what Claire really looks like when she's not in drab.

When we went up to the front office to check out, Dr. T whispered to me to bring a picture in. Which started THIS exchange:

Claire: "You better behave, doc"
Dr. T: "Make me!"
Claire: "All right then..."
Dr. T the triathlete: (flexes bicep) "Check this out"
Claire: "And?"
Dr. T: "Wanna fight?"
Claire: "Okay, handbags at dawn?"

This caused the staff sitting there to drop what they were doing and ponder that statement for a moment while Dr. T stuttered, laughed and said "What?"

One of the ladies in the office said "Purses. Handbags at dawn." This of course made me completely lose it laughing, and Dr. T couldn't come up with a response that wouldn't completely give Claire away to the staff (like they won't guess now). She just exited the room doing half-hearted little kicks at Claire and laughing, telling Claire to behave.

#

Fast forward to today at Target. We're shopping quietly for clothes in the women's section. Claire is dressed androgynously, and we're playing it cool as we shop. That is, until we get to the handbag section.

Now, the handbag section is directly across an aisle from the fairly crowded women's section. Claire starts looking at some bags on a rack next to the aisle and picks up a really cute hobo and remarks "nice bag."

Not so bad, you might think. You'd be wrong. Because then I said, in my not so demure voice, "Oh yeah, that's cute! It's a lot like your MUDD hobo."

It was an "Oh my God. Did I just do that?" moment. We both busted out laughing. I don't know how many people overheard that, but it was damn funny.

Ah well. Yeah, deep stealth is all in our heads right now. The whole world knows ;)

Metta,

Annie

More from the random pile...

2007-04-19T20:39:00.000-05:00

We watched the best of the GLAAD awards tonight. I am so proud to be part of the LGBT community, and I'm not afraid to say it. I proudly display the HRC equality sticker on the door of my office. Although Claire is still in hiding I am not afraid to educate my peers about the civil rights issues the community faces. The other day my friend and I walked past a jewelry store that had the HRC sticker on the window. The shop owner stood outside fiddling with a sign as we passed, and I commented on his display of the HRC sticker. He returned the favor by rewarding me with a big infectious grin.

#

So... I am Bi, and Claire identifies as Lesbian and is Trans... thus we're a BLT. ;)

#

I'm in awe of the strength, beauty and grace of Matthew Shepard's mother, Judy, for being such a spokesperson for hate crime legislation.

#

Have you ever heard the song Shiny Happy People by R.E.M.? That would be Claire on a new patch. She swears she gets a rush about 6 hours after a new estrogen patch is put on, and from my observations, it does seem to be true. Psychosomatic or not, it's a funny thing to observe. Bouncing all around the house, humming, singing, attacking me with a stuffed bear... and now because I said I'm writing this on the blog she's singing the Tigger song.

Ah, but it's good to have her really alive, even if she is an obnoxious git sometimes. ;)

Metta,

Annie

Fire...(sing with me now)

2007-04-17T20:44:00.002-05:00

So, the last two days I have spent my non-job time on a big fire scene. We've been battling a forest fire that has been devouring acres around the scattered subdivisions near our home. I can't get the smell of smoke out of my hair, all I can taste is ash, and I feel great. Our department is great. We lost no structures and nobody got hurt. About 300 acres was lost though. Forestry allowed a lot of underbrush to burn as we made sure it didn't jump roads and endanger houses. We did have to evacuate quite a few homes, but all was good in the end.

I saw my friend from the forestry agency tonight, exhausted but happy. He thinks they finally have it under control. They better, cause I want a quiet night with my Claire tomorrow ;)

Meanwhile, at the house, I missed Claire's big payoff from laser torture--I mean treatment--while I was at the scene. Apparently she started shedding hairs tonight. I'm pretty bummed I missed it, but I'm glad I worked the fire tonight, as we were fairly short on staff.

So, her face is so soft and smooth now after her shave. I would say it's kissable but I got a "go take a shower stinky" reaction when I got home, so I didn't get to try the kissable test yet. NOT that I blame her, I reek of smoke. Although I still see some hair under the skin, and she had to shave a lot still, she's never had a shave this smooth. It's pretty exciting. I'm hoping she'll have fantastic results. She's a sweetie and it hurt like hell, so I'm crossing my fingers for her.

Tomorrow we'll try applying normal makeup instead of Dermablend and see how it does. I can't wait!

what a hoot!

2007-04-14T22:13:00.000-05:00

I don't know how I managed to take this shot,
it was a snap without thinking or having time
to get focused correctly as I was jumping back.

Of wolves and women...

2007-04-14T21:23:00.000-05:00

When Claire and I first met, online, her nickname was Whitewolf. My nickname was Timberwolf. We've both had a lifelong love of wolves. Today, we went to a local animal sanctuary that has a small pack of timber wolves. Claire brought her spiffy new camera and we headed in to try to get some nice pictures.

Well, first we met a falconer, with a lovely female barred owl on his arm. As Claire snapped shots of the owl, she looked at Claire and launched into flight - right at her. Claire snapped the picture as the owl took flight. Quite a shot. It's a bit blurry but an amazing picture.

Then we hit the wolves. They were all at the back sleeping, and had been doing so for a while apparently, judging by the comments of the other people trying for a look. Well, in one of those "the universe is amazing" moments as Claire decided she would be left with just telephoto shots of sleeping wolves, everyone left. One wolf woke up, walked directly to us by the fence and posed in every way possible. Claire took some amazing photos of the wolf, and I'm looking at printing them up wall art size.

Now, I'm sure it was all just a coincidence that the wolf just decided to come pose for us, but I just have to wonder.

We walked over to the exhibit with two Florida panthers after that, and had an amazing time phtographing them. It was one of those peaceful moments. Nobody else was around, the elevated deck gave us a great view, the wind was blowing gently, the weather was gorgeous, and all the troubles of the world fell away.

All in all, we spent 2 hours at the sanctuary today, and had a wonderful time. It felt great to sign the guestbook as "Annie and Claire Rushden" as we left today.

Steve Stanton's appearance on Larry King Live

2007-04-13T21:51:00.000-05:00

Well, it is official. Steve Stanton will not sue Largo, but will be an advocate instead.

Although it would have been great to see the 11th Circuit deal with this before we have to face possible legal battles, I am very glad to know that Steve will be using his story to help raise awareness.

I do wonder if Claire's bosses watched the show tonight. If they did watch, did they connect the dots? Did they see Steve Stanton and think about Claire's nails, hair, voice, etc.? I guess we'll find out.

Once again, a big thanks to the National Center for Lesbian Rights for all they do to help transsexuals. And thanks, Larry King, for being really decent in your interview.

Metta,

Annie

Overhaul for the blog

2007-04-12T20:12:00.000-05:00

It's official. I hate XML now. I'll spare you the cussing. I gave the blog a facelift today, and I think I like it. I hated trying to write a custom template for the first time, more so because the new version of Blogger uses XML and CSS only. CSS isn't so bad, but XML and working with the widgets, well... bah humbug. The picture in the banner is from one of Claire's gorgeous photographs. I think I love the colors, but I'm pretty funny about web stuff. I'm likely to be keen on it today and hate it by tomorrow. I do love the full screen view though. I hate scrolling when there is empty space on the screen. I'd love to know what you think.

I grabbed a new avatar for my profile, simply because it was so darn cute. Really, who can resist a sleeping kitten? Add a little toy and you've got me hooked.

Transfigurations

2007-04-10T20:43:00.000-05:00

Claire is experiencing an in-between stage right now.

It is quite beautiful. As she lounges around the house in the evening, she wears white linen drawstring pants and a soft pink t-shirt showing the womanly shape that is developing. Her bare feet--that she was always ashamed to show before transition--show polished nails and a dainty anklet. The ever present smile that lights her eyes warms my heart.

The contrast of this with the beard shadow that is lingering from the laser treatment does a funny little disconnect in my brain that just makes me stop and ponder her. She shines with an amazing beauty as she really settles into being herself. It is very amazing to watch the transformation to her true self, both from a scientific point of view and as her spouse.

I think that transition has, so far, been a very emotional process for me. I have seen an unhappy, self-loathing spouse bust out of a coccoon and spread her wings. It doesn't take much for me to flash back and remember the lost and depressed shell that she used to be.

There is something in the eyes of those that have transitioned. I've seen it in many photographs. A deep sense that they are truly at home in their new skin. Sometimes playful, mostly serene. Their new bodies may not ever be "perfect" having suffered the ravages of puberty with the wrong hormones, but it is the right skin, and it is perfect on them.

I'm apparently not the only one that sees this. There is an absolutely amazing slide show here. Jana Marcus has done an amazing job of photographing transmen and transwomen. Jana really captures that something that I try to hard to describe. Please take a moment and visit. It will be worth your time.

Metta,

Annie

Liar, Liar

2007-04-09T19:41:00.000-05:00

So, they say lightning doesn't strike in the same place twice.
They Lied!
Lightning struck about 200 times ........ on my face.

I don't want to say that having my first laser hair removal session was painfull, I really don't want to say it. But it hurt like hell, like hell was opening it's gates and shooting me in the face two hundred times with electrified bolts of pure pain.

Yeah, I hear you, I'm a wuss.

But this wuss managed to lay/shake through the whole damn session, like the Rebel Alliance taking out the DeathStar.

Surprisingly I was fairly calm on the drive in and while waiting my turn to be tortured, umm, I mean treated.

I expected it to hurt but apparently my research on the removal of facial hair failed to show that having a lot of coarse dark hair on the face and neck would result in my being zapped by rejected/failed Star Wars missile defense system that apparently was procured from eBay (thanks a lot Google). (Just kidding, I'm sure the machines were purchased from the proper sources).

On the plus side the fact that I was able to go and have the session at all is a tribute to the hormones coursing through my veins and that I am actually enjoying the result of my lungs breathing air in and out these days.

1 session down only 5-8 to go.

I can do this, no I can! Seriously ... well..... one zap erm session at a time and thankfully it's not for another 9 weeks.

GULP!

Saturday at Ideal Image

2007-04-08T21:06:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, Claire had her first laser hair removal session. It turned out to be a lot more painful than they described. Her face is still red today, and looks like she has a pretty fair sunburn. We'll see how it goes over the next few weeks.

Things I learned yesterday:

* Laser hair removal is very painful. It's amazing to watch the power of the laser, vaporizing the hair poking above the skin, but the pain with every pulse jumped straight from her skin to my heart.

* Watching my sweetheart struggle against pain, the hormonal surges that make tears come easily, and doctor anxiety in general is really hard. She held it together but I know my eyes leaked a couple of times.

* She has a strong grip, but even in pain she has the self control to keep from squeezing my hand too hard.

Things I already knew but were reaffirmed:

* I'm very proud of her for facing the demons that have haunted her for so long, mainly the phobias that have resulted from internalizing the discomfort in her body for 3 decades. She's gone from having to be treated for shock for simple blood tests to walking in a preparing to face 30 minutes of pain.

* She's the most beautiful woman I've ever met.

Deep thoughts...

2007-04-05T21:00:00.000-05:00

When Claire starts living full time as a woman and she or I apply for a job in our new city, we will be legally able to mark married on the employee information sheets. When it comes to benefits, etc., I wonder if we'll have to explain everything to HR, insurance companies, etc. to make them understand why we can say that?

Better yet, will America wake up and recognize at least civil union before then? I sure hope so.

I caught myself almost telling Claire's coworker today that I had been trying to reach "her" on "her" cell phone. I think I caught myself anyway... guess she'll find out tomorrow!

Warren Beaty insists he is the subject of Carly Simon's "You're So Vain" song. I hate that song. I think I hate it because it's so illogical. "You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you." Umm, hey Carly, the song is about him. I don't know why that song gets to me, but it always has. I think I actually snarl when I hear it. It's pretty funny looking when I snarl, I assure you.

On the other hand, the song "I'm just a girl" is my anthem. I can't help but dance when we play it here at home. For the record, I can't dance worth a crap, being a product of the punk rock revolution. I can, however, slamdance like a pro.

What is it about dogs that just melt your heart when they look at you with big brown eyes?

Laser hair removal session #1 is on Saturday. Poor Claire. Being British - and a bit strange thanks to said nationality - she said she can't help but think of the James Bond movie (GoldenEye) with laser beams shooting down from outer space.

One of our online friends has her first full day at work as a woman Friday. I hope her day is fabulous. It sounds as if her workplace has been very receptive so far. Good luck Phoebe!

Metta,

Annie

First trip to the chiropractor without the closet

2007-04-04T20:51:00.000-05:00

We had a great visit with the chiropractor today. Claire was seriously stressed that the doctor that had been such a good friend for so many years might not be comfortable with her transgender status, now that she knew "the secret."

Needless to say, my faith in the doc's character was well rewarded. Not only was she comfortable, she was a riot. We fielded what felt like 100 questions, and laughed the entire time. Our doc is a special person: funny, mischievous, blunt, and very bright. We were asked about everything from when I found out to asking if Claire was you know, going to snip it off. We had a great time, laughed a lot, and Claire was so relieved.

As we left, Claire got a big bear hug before the doc headed off to round up her next victims. I don't think any gesture or phrase could have had a greater impact than that hug.

We arrived home, fed the dogs, microwaved a dinner and settled in for the night. “I’m really glad that she was so okay with this.” Claire said, revealing a somber mood. “It really would have hurt if she had disapproved of me, because I really like her.”

There are moments where the pain and fear are so clear. This is a hell of a process to go through. When you are in this community, you hear endless stories of siblings, parents, best friends, and spouses excommunicating the person going through transition. We have been incredibly lucky so far. We don’t make friends easily, and those we tend to care about are the type of people inclined to not judge. But it is still a very frightening step to take, telling someone you are in the wrong body.

Metta,

Annie

The National Center for Lesbian Rights

2007-04-03T21:32:00.000-05:00

The National Center for Lesbian Rights is assisting us with an issue right now. I have to say that this organization, like all the others I have dealt with so far in activist issues, is amazing.

I would deeply like to thank the LGB community for adding the T, and dragging the transgender crowd under their wings. There are so many groups out there fighting for equality that it amazes me. The part that really gets me is the fact that these groups like NCLR are just so welcoming to us as a T couple. They are really great people working on a lot of important cases right now, and if you haven't visited their website, you should.

For now, trans couples have a benefit that gay and lesbian relationships don't have, yet. They can marry, or stay married. If nothing changes, Claire and I can stay married after she fully transitions. While I am obviously very happy that the transition doesn't mean we have to divorce or annul our marriage, it brings with me an extra heavy weight that we have something our brothers and sisters don't have.

It makes me redouble my efforts as an activist. While obviously I care about issues that affect us, they pale in comparison to the stories of those kept out of hospital rooms while their partners lay injured or dying, unable to hold their hand, or worse yet, say goodbye. Who the hell is our government to tell us who should be recognized for basic things like car insurance, access to sick partners, or adoption? I have a friend that was separated from his partner because of immigration laws. It makes me angry to think that we the people only have the right to love who politicians deem suitable.

Georgia just stopped an attempt to ban adoptions for the LGBT community. Florida holds firm in refusing to let gay and lesbian couples adopt. They have thousands of children in foster homes or group homes, but God forbid that loving homosexual parents be allowed to offer a safe, loving and centered home for a child. We need more voices. It doesn't take much to join the activist alert lists, and even spending 5 minutes is a help when added up.

Please take a moment and get involved. You may not think it affects you, but odds are you have a family member or a friend that it does affect. And it's just the right thing to do.

Some other great groups:
Human Rights Campaign
Use Google to find your state's Equality group (example)
National Center for Transgender Equality
American Civil Liberties Union

Stupid Girls

2007-04-03T06:50:00.000-05:00

I read this in the news today:

Kathy Griffin recently had a captive audience. The red-haired comedian played at the Perryville State Prison Complex in Arizona, which has room for more than 3,400 lonely inmates.

"I did feel very sexy and desirable," Griffin says. "Those prisoners looked at me like no other man did. I don't care how many people they killed."

When I sent this clip to Claire, she responded with "No Kathy, you were a piece of meat in a doghouse, honey." I guarantee you, Kathy, that they weren't dreaming of wooing you over a steak dinner, they were thinking what fun a gang rape would be.

I have long been amazed that women go husband shopping in prisons. I've watched the shows about detention centers and there is always some woman ga-ga over her "new man" she met via pen-pal exchanges. On the last show I watched, a woman was all dolled up in a wedding gown, heading to the prison to marry her "catch" - a lifer in for murder. She met him while doing social visits with her church. Her grandmother was there saying she was glad that her little grandbaby was so "happy".

ARGH! No, grandma, you're supposed to smack the hell out of her and tie her to a chair until the feeling passes, or get her to a counselor.

Are women really this desperate and clueless?

There are days I just want to slap people silly.

Sheesh.

Transition issues today.

2007-04-02T20:52:00.000-05:00

Claire was stressed this morning. Her eyebrows were more feminine than she was ready for at this stage, and she didn't want to draw attention to herself. We pulled up to the curb in front of her building. She turned to me for a kiss goodbye. As always, I took her face in my hands and kissed her with a long, soft kiss. She flashed me a wan smile, patted my hand, and got out of the car, head hung low.

Inside, she encountered her immediate supervisor, Kayla. “I forgot to bring your ribbon today,” she snipped at Claire. Obviously she and the employee that has been teasing Claire about hair ribbons had been talking.

“No problem, I have my own”

“Nice curls.” This was obviously the start of the pressure to get a haircut.

“Thanks. Annie is jealous of them.”

“Why? She has curly hair.”

“Because,” Claire replied, “I can control mine.”

Okay, so Claire basically called me "Annie of the wild hair" - which I admit is true. I must giggle because I have a mass of long curls I keep hoping will vanish every morning when I wake up. I guess I'll forgive her, because I was so glad to see her having some fun today, even if she didn’t intend to.

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful, except for one incident. When Claire called Barney, Kayla's boss, Barney saw the caller ID and answered “Yes Ma’am?”

Is it just a joke? Or are they on to her? Stay tuned... :)

Metta,

Annie

Nobody can hold a candle to my Claire...

2007-03-31T22:52:00.000-05:00

Nobody can hold a candle to my Claire... mostly because she'd probably scream and run the opposite direction. Today was the day to visit our wonderful friend Ted and get our hair done. It was also a trip to get more hairs pulled from Claire's eyebrows via hot wax.

Let me just say that I am so happy that I have invisible eyebrows. I don't have very full eyebrows. Since mine are almost the color of my skin, so I've never bothered to trim them. This afternoon I walked into the room to see how she was doing while Ted was torturing her. Her poor eyes were swelling. She was taking it in stride though.

After having her eyebrows waxed and plucked, Ted colored her hair. He didn't really change the color because he used a demi-permanent. What Claire received, basically, was a chocolate brown gloss that hid her (not so many) gray hairs. She looks fabulous. It's a small change, but a significant one when she looks in the mirror. We can't set the clock back to puberty for her, but we can at least help her roll back a few years and teach her the tricks we women employ to look younger.

Well, while we were at Ted's studio in his house, his roommate came in. Claire is "out" to Ted, but we hadn't anticipated his roommate coming home. Claire stood there with her hair styled obviously feminine, and freshly waxed eyebrows. Ted's roommate introduced himself to Claire, and she froze. She didn't know what name to say. It was definitely a deer in headlights type of moment. We'll have to work on that :)

Metta,

Annie

Panda Sneezes

2007-03-31T19:26:00.001-05:00


Sneezing panda, priceless!

This video had me literally crying because I was laughing so hard. Gotta love them hormones.

The trouble with drabbles...

2007-03-30T21:47:00.000-05:00

I'm addicted to writing a form of flash fiction called Drabble. Drabble is a complete story told in exactly 100 words. It's a lot tougher than it seems. I'm having a blast.

Claire's next trip to the chiropractor will be her first since she came out to our doc via email. She has informed me that she will most likely panic and refuse to get out of the car. Great, now I have to pack a tranquilizer dart.

Poor Claire is starting to worry about her first laser hair removal session, one week from tomorrow. I'm hoping she'll hang in there and not stress too badly.

My dog is having a horrible time with allergies, and is trying to chew his skin off, so we have a date with a vet in the morning. Poor little guy, even Benadryl doesn't seem to help much.

Ah well, off to bed. Have a nice weekend :)

Tubthumping?

2007-03-29T21:08:00.000-05:00

Claire is dancing around the house singing "I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down..."

Now, this might not seem noteworthy, but to me it is. Prior to coming out about her transness, this *never* happened.

Not a lot to say tonight, except damn, I'm really glad she told me her big scary secret. Really glad. It's so nice to have her here and alive.

Oh, and apparently our chiropractor wasn't scared off by the thought of treating a TG patient. I didn't think there would be a problem. Glad I was right.

Metta,

Annie

Really cool doctors, HR, and family reaction to Steve Stanton

2007-03-28T17:44:00.000-05:00

Claire came out to our chiropractor today. We see her at least once a month, and she's really great. It's a lot of fun to go see her, as she has a great sense of humor. A couple of visits ago, some joking went on that led to Claire getting close to the truth, laughing and saying "Oh, I prefer to be called Claire." Last visit, Claire said "it's the meds" in response to something the doc said, and I started laughing so hard I cried. I think she thought we were talking about illegal drugs or something. Yikes.

We decided it might be time for disclosure, as the changes from the hormones are starting to get noticeable. So Claire emailed her and let her know the situation, and sent her here. So, doc, you know who you are, if we don't get a call cancelling our appointment we'll assume we can still come back ;)

On the job front, apparently our HR person has been watching the Stanton issue still. When I called him about something else, Mr. Jones asked me how his "friend" is. I said she was fine, nervous and scared, but okay.

Mr. Jones then went on to tell me that he had been speaking to people in our agency and another agency he is involved with, and found that discussing Stanton's issues with them didn't come back as negative as he thought.

He seems to think it is time to start laying the groundwork for making our agency "trans friendly" by subtle means. He knows Claire wants to stay stealth and had planned to quit before transitioning. He expressed concern about losing a good employee, and asked if we'd stay on if there was a way to make it easier on her. I told him that we would love to stick around as we like the agency we work for.

He's looked around and realized that with over a thousand employees we certainly must have some GLBT employees. I know of one employee that makes no secret that he is gay. He expressed concern that there doesn't seem to be a place for employees to have a support group. I explained that we couldn't attend a group without outing ourselves, and although our agency has no problem with gay and lesbian employees, trans employees are the big new scary step.

So his plan is to start conversing with department heads about what the county needs to know about trans employees. When he gets to the department Claire works for, he's going to report back to Claire what the "climate" is like there from a supervisor. He assured me he was actively working on a plan, and to let Claire know "he's got our backs." Hoo boy, I sure hope so.

My mom, who lives in the area that Steve Stanton was just fired from, spoke to me about the firing. She was really upset and asked how they could get away with blatant discrimination like that. She really couldn't understand it. I can't either, really. I know she worries about us, and the Largo 5 sure aren't helping.

To Steve/Susan - I know you didn't intend to become such a poster child for your disorder, but I have to say thank you for appealing the decision. I hope you let the groundswell of support you have received carry your case to court and hopefully get the 11th Circuit Supremes thinking about human rights.

Metta

Annie

to boldly go ...

2007-03-27T06:42:00.000-05:00

It's amazing that the small things in life can seem so big when you actually start to care. I've heard lots of warnings about not rushing into "the whole transition thing" and I thought that it would be easy, I have thought that it's ok, I can take my time.

Apparently I was wrong.

There have been quite a few fatal car wrecks in the surrounding areas that we live, sadly it's mostly innocent people being killed by speeders, drunks or idiots in general. This has not bothered me too much on a personal level (except for the obvious outrage at the way life claims the innocent while the guilty usually walk away) except lately.... It seems that since I have been upgraded (i.e having patches installed ... yes a lame geek joke but I still like it) I have realised even more how short life is. That it's too short of a time to be wasted, especially when life only started in the last year or so.

I am not wanting to rush through the process of transitioning, I (we) have financial and other obligations to sort out, but on the other hand I don't want to wait. I want to do something I haven't done before..... I want to enjoy life.. *shock , horror!!*.

Yes, as my therapist is want to say I am living now, and of course she is right, but I am not yet free.

As the old TV show used to say I am beginning a journey,

You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension. A dimension of sound. A dimension of sight. A dimension of mind. You're moving into a land of both style and substance of things and ideas. You've just crossed over into the Hormone Zone

She took my money AND ate my pizza.

2007-03-26T18:16:00.000-05:00

For six years, Claire has been a meat and potato type of person. She defined vegetables as carrots, peas, mushrooms, and onions - only. I have spent 20 years as a vegetarian, so it's been a bit tough sometimes.

Well, she's been making some comments about wanting to eat healthier and try some vegetables. I didn't take it to heart really, because I know that she makes choking and gagging motions when I cook with garlic, and she has perfected a lip curl when broccoli is about. Avocadoes elicit an "Ewwwww" from her.

A couple of weeks ago, we stopped and got pizza from a local shop. We normally get a half pepperoni and sausage, half onions, green peppers, mushrooms and black olives pizza. Instead of normal "ewww, nasty veggies" comments, she started teasing me that she was so hungry she was going to eat the whole pizza before we get home. I laughed and bet her five bucks she wouldn't eat a piece of my pizza.

Well, I was out five dollars, and a piece of pizza. I never said I was bright. But, I was very happy because there might be hope for us yet. I started having fantasies of vegetarian meals together. I didn't push it at the time, but a few days ago we went to a KFC/Taco Bell combo. Claire will get chicken soft tacos from Taco Bell, but would never dream of touching beans, sour cream, guacamole or tomatoes. So when I ordered a seven layer burrito with all those items on it, I was amazed when Claire wanted to try a bite. Then she had a second. I stopped her because I sure as heck wasn't going to lose my burrito; I learned my lesson with pizza.

Tonight, we had a lovely vegetarian dinner of cheese tortellini with alfredo sauce. So it's been an interesting phenonemon since she started hormones. It seems her tastes or her attitude is changing, but I'm not sure which one it is. She's even said she might like to try being mostly vegetarian. I'm sure not going to complain.

Annie

Barretts and Bronzers?

2007-03-25T19:53:00.000-05:00

Three years ago, Claire and I celebrated our anniversary by going to the Eastman Gun Show in our city. We bought each other gorgeous new handguns. I bought a Taurus Millennium (.40) and she bought a Taurus PT-940, also a .40. We then spent the day at the range blowing through boxes of ammo. It was a very fun and non-traditional anniversary.

Yesterday, we were cruising into town to go see the nice people at Ideal Image and get a quote on laser treatment to remove Claire's facial hair when we saw the sign. A gun show was in a nearby town this weekend. She looked at it and giggled, and said we should go. I rolled my eyes and said no, we have good guns. She fell silent for a couple of minutes and then said "But nothing says feminine like a Barrett .50 caliber and a nice red lipstick..."

*Sigh*

We found Ideal Image and went inside. Claire was dressed fairly androgynous again, with a long sleeve white OCC t-shirt, women's jeans, belt, tennis shoes, and watch. She had let her beard grow out for a couple of days so they could see how much grey there was. I can't tell you how weird it is for me to see her with 2 days worth of facial hair. We went in and started filling in the paperwork, and turned into giggling kids. First there was "Male or Female" on the form. Claire put a slash through male, marking it and making a statement at the same time. Then, the section about current medications. I walked up to the counter and verified that this was indeed covered by HIPAA. It was, so she noted the anti-androgen and the estrogen and progesterone patch she uses. Nothing like having to out yourself to send you into a giggling fit.

So, my dearest Claire is scheduled for her first laser hair removal session two weeks from now. I'm hoping she doesn't get too nervous between now and then. I really am looking forward to the day she can wake up, put on some light makeup and go out without having a time limit before hair starts showing up again.

Annie

My faith in humanity has been temporarily interrupted.

2007-03-23T22:57:00.000-05:00

*I have edited this post. I had to walk away from it yesterday and regroup. The wounds were raw from watching the meeting when I wrote this. I realize now that I was referring to things that don't make sense if you aren't in the moment of listening to the people speak. I have attempted to clarify with my edits.*

Mayor Pat Gerard and Commissioner Woods, I respect you so very much for your integrity and for holding firm for human rights Friday night in the Largo commission meeting.

To the brave people that took the stand and stood up for human rights, I applaud you.

To those that stood up and spoke of your own struggles as a transgendered person, I am in awe of your courage.

To the commissioners I shall not name, words fail me. You had a chance to admit you made a mistake when you blatantly discriminated against someone with a medical condition.

In the past few weeks, there has been an incredible amount of personal attacks aimed at Steve Stanton, his family, and at transgendered people in general. These attacks have been made in letters to the editor, in newspaper forums, and in blogs like Troxler's blog of the St. Pete Times.

In the past few weeks, transgendered people have been called deviant, perverted, selfish, delusional and have been laughed at in the cruelest words these people could muster. My heart breaks for all the people that have read these attacks and know that these attackers are talking about them.

Is it any wonder that so many people that suffer from GID commit suicide? To all the people that cried and whined about Stanton being a terrible role model for children, do you not grasp the number of people that are transgendered? Can you not make the small jump mentally to realize that those very children you wish to protect include transgender children? These young and teenage transgendered kids will see your venom too, and thus perpetuate the cycle of maintaining high suicide rates. This is not a game, your hateful actions have consequences.

To those that are so disgusted that transsexuals dare to love, marry and have children, if only you could bring yourself to just expand your thinking for 5 minutes and look at the logic. This is a cycle. Transsexuals hide, marry, have families and try to outrun this thing their whole lives because of people just like you. When they do finally come out and deal with this later in life, you call them liars, deceivers, untrustworthy, selfish and shameful. You attack them for trying to hide and live a normal life. Yet, it is your actions that tell the 12 year old that they dare not speak of their own pain and transition young, that they must try harder to live the lie so that they might never be discovered. This is, indeed, a vicious cycle.

You say that the reason you want Stanton fired is because you can't trust him. You say he lied because he hid his transsexual nature from you. Your statements that wives and children are affected by transition and therefore the sufferers themselves are selfish for trying to save their own lives are inane. You don't know the pain that is felt by the sufferers themselves, those forced into hiding by society and who tried to live normal lives - so to not bring pain upon everyone in their world. I don't want pity. I'm an adult woman with a transsexual partner and I am proud to stand by her side and hold her hand.

You protesters claim pity for children that will be shamed and harassed by their peers because of the parent finally coming to grips with their gender issues. Yet your actions teach your children to do just that - harass, shame and threaten those very children.

When will we understand that people are people? When can we finally put all these issues to bed and just live our lives being kind souls?

Annie

Stanton

2007-03-23T21:23:00.000-05:00

I am on the edge of my seat, following the commissioner meeting in Largo.

Here is the blog that is tracking the breaking news.

I pray that we can move this country forward where people that are born with this birth defect now longer have to live in shame, to be discriminated against.

Perhaps tonight we'll take a step forward for tolerance.

Annie

Big bang theory of transness...

2007-03-22T21:19:00.000-05:00

Friedrich Nietzsche once wrote "You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star."

There have been so many times in my life when things would feel so overwhelming, so chaotic that I thought I could never get a grasp on them. I feel at this point that I am finally comfortable being my true self, and I like the person I have become. Claire, on the other hand, is feeling the pressure of the chaos closing in.

Looking at everything that is facing her in the next two years, that dreaded pink tornado, is a bit overwhelming. In trying to kill part of herself off, to silence the voice of "Claire", she really did a number on herself. It has manifested itself in severe anxieties concerning doctors and dentists. Thankfully, these anxieties are fading enough for her to face the barrage of things that go along with transition: laser hair removal followed by electrolysis, bloodwork, frequent trips to the doctor for checkups. The anxieties have faded a bit, but certainly are not gone. She is working through them, and showing great courage. I'm proud of her.

In addition, she must deal with immigration and job issues. We are having trouble finding anyone that knows if there will be implications for a permanent resident going through transition. The fear of job loss is a constant weight. All of this adds up to an overwhelming amount of chaos and pressure.

She's still doing great so far, despite the chaos. She still wakes up happy, sings in the car, and is as rotten and mischievous as ever. Saturday, an absolutely incredible day together of being out in public with "the real Claire", gave me a glimpse of the star she is destined to become. As long as she can hang tough through all of this, I think she'll be amazed at just how awesome life really can be.

Metta,

Annie

Medic!

2007-03-21T21:22:00.000-05:00

This handsome fellow is Sabre. He's my search and rescue partner, and he's an amazingly wonderful animal. Claire and I both have working German Shepherd dogs. Her dog Echo has been trained for police work and is a tank - stocky and muscular. Sabre looks like a gazelle by comparison. Sabre is from American bloodlines and Echo's parents are both imported from Germany.

Relations between our two boys have been tense lately as they are once again jockeying for the number two position in the pack below the human alphas. These dogs are both pretty dominant, so it is a constant struggle for these two to maintain their status of who trumps who in their level of the pack.

Now, this is not the first time these boys have fought. These dogs are not fluffy pet material, they are bred and trained for their drives. Usually these two can resolve their social standing peacably after a couple of days of posturing and body language, but sometimes it gets violent.

Yesterday, it got pretty hairy for a moment when Sabre trotted towards a ball that Echo had his eye on. Suddenly, it was dog on dog action as a battle started. We separated the animals and Echo received a correction from Claire as she put him in a down stay. My wrist injury stemmed from breaking up just such a dog tussle, so when Claire grabbed her hand and cussed, I immediately assumed that she was injured. And injured she was, two fingernails were broken.

I'm still snickering when I think about it. She's cute like that.

Metta,

Annie

From the oops files...

2007-03-20T20:11:00.000-05:00

When a coworker says to you, "Your husband said ", it is generally not a good idea to give them a blank stare when they refer to your spouse as a husband. I actually had a moment of dead silence while I shifted gears back into remembering that I have a "husband". Luckily, I covered by saying I had a terrible headache and was having trouble focusing and asked if they could repeat what they said.

But yeah, mental note. While at work, my partner is my husband. Whoops.

Metta,

Annie

"We're only immortal for a limited time." - Rush (Dreamline)

2007-03-19T20:28:00.000-05:00

I am facing surgery on my wrist again. I play hard and pay for it sometimes. My first surgery just over a year ago repaired a damaged ligament, repaired a torn TFCC and removed the lining in my wrist that was shredded by the TFCC. Complications from the first surgery have resulted in a partially ruptured tendon inside the scar tissue in my wrist.

I am a 5'3", 30-something, very stubborn tomboy. Being weak, or being perceived as weak, is a pet peeve. I am a certified firefighter and a trained K9 search and rescue specialist, both volunteer activities. My K9 partner is an eighty pound German Shepherd. I was fairly strong and fit before this surgery. I loved the fire department and all the challenges within. Before the surgery I could easily bench press over 100 pounds and could drag a dummy that outweighed me by 20 pounds while wearing bunker gear, although not easily. I shook hands like I meant it and I didn't do anything daintily.

I did not keep any of this secret from the therapist after my surgery. I also shared the fact that I have a fairly high pain threshold and a tendency to ignore pain. Yet, I received instructions to "start using your hand" and "start working with your wrist to build strength, as much as you feel you can take". So I did as I was told and was fairly conservative in my approach, or at least so I thought. I didn't go to point of sharp pain, just a good ache that was so similar to working muscles to failure.

I broke myself, injuring two tendons. The tendon in my arm healed, but my pinky is paralyzed in one direction. I can fold it under, but I cannot lift it. At least nobody can expect me to hold my pinky out daintily as I sip tea now. I can not write longhand because the tendon in my hand painfully spasms and locks up, and I can't make a fist with any strength without pain. I have been on light duty with the fire department for a year now since the surgery. My department needs me at scenes, and I love to respond, but I feel like a little kid tagging along with the big boys. I’m stuck with traffic and crowd control, feeling like a weakling.

It bothers me deeply too, though, to know that had I been male, maybe assumptions would not have been made by my therapist. I would overhear instructions to male deputies or firefighters in rehab involving specifics with cautions of "take it easy," but I was encouraged to "build strength." When the therapist asked me what weight I was working with for wrist curls at home, I was using fifteen pounds of weight when I was supposed to be using three pounds maximum. According to the therapist, women are supposed to consider a three pound weight heavy for the task, and she assumed I would naturally not go over that. It was implied that it was my fault for pushing myself too hard - not her fault for being vague.

Perhaps it is my fault, though. I could have asked for clarification. Maybe I pushed myself hard because I wanted to get back in the game, or because I needed to prove to myself that I could bounce back quickly, or maybe I was simply naive. Did I push myself hard because, like guys that drive jacked up pickup trucks, I felt some need to overcompensate? Maybe. Then again, perhaps physical therapists shouldn't lump everyone together by gender, either.

I’ll admit I'm angry at facing another round of surgery and rehab, but the pain is starting to worsen, and my hand is pretty much worthless right now. I received great tools for my silversmithing at Christmas, but I can't hold the torch in my right hand to solder. I just don't know where to direct all this anger, so I feel helpless and depressed when I ponder it.

I do know that some things will be different this time, if I decide to go through this again. I will not push myself so hard after this surgery. I will try to remember that it is not a character flaw to be weak and fragile for a while. I also know that Claire will probably have to physically sit on me when I hear fire trucks roll so I can't go join them. I'm a fairly intelligent girl, but I sure don't act like it sometimes.

Echo.. echo... echo

2007-03-17T21:49:00.000-05:00

This dog is the cutest, most intense 90lb
best friend anyone ever had.