More about the 20/20 special. Heaviness and hope

Claire and I discussed this show at length, and heard people (in the TG community) talking about the fact that this show was heavy, or really moved them.

At first, when the show came on, Claire commented "Oh, it's about little kids?" not realizing beforehand what the show was about. As it turned out, I think the fact that the show was about young trans kids really helped a lot. Here's why:

Partners of transsexuals and people that just feel they need to demean TG people use the following arguments to vilify them. By showing that children as young as two and a half years of age are in severe emotional distress, the following common arguments are negated:

1. Transitioning is a selfish act. If the TS person loved then they would just deal with it quietly and not break up their family.

You can't say that children are being selfish about relationships at the age of three. Their pain was all too vivid, in the home movies and stories the parents told. What you see there is the amount of pain that is suffered by someone that is transgendered. The only difference is these kids are able to have a good start on their lives by beginning their adult lives with their identity firmly in place, as opposed to people like Claire, like Steve/Susan Stanton, like all the thousands of transsexuals that hide their entire lives out of shame and fear until they can no longer fight the battle.

2. Transsexuals are perverts or fetishists.

This one is obvious. As the spouse of a transsexual, it is so easy for me to understand that being TS is a matter of identity. It has nothing to do with sex. But people see that word nestled in the middle of the word transsexual and all of a sudden, they are lumped in with every perversion in the world. The one that really just rips my heart out is to hear people equate being trans to being a child molester. So, look at a small child. What is perversion when you have no concept of sex itself, but just of body classification and identity? How can a toddler have a fetish?

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It breaks my heart to think of Claire hating birthdays as a young child. To see the pain so real and vivid as little Riley breaking down into tears just makes me look at my Claire and wonder how the hell she hung on to her secret as long as she did.

Claire and I believe that the reason that the show was so incredibly powerful is that it strips the arguments away that negate or downplay the pain and suffering that transgender people experience.

It is our hope that somewhere, some parents will see their children--be they young or old--with fresh eyes, and open their hearts and minds.

It is our hope that somewhere, a spouse who sees her partner's struggle with transition to be a selfish and uncaring act will realize that their partner fought valiantly for years to fight pain that is so incredibly visible in early childhood.

It is our sincere hope that somewhere, a child that is suffering will hear of the show, realize there is a name to their condition, and know that there is hope for a real life.

And finally, it is always a deep hope in our hearts that our society can move forth from the position that transgendered people should not be spoken about publicly and into a position of accepting them as the productive and decent citizens they are.

Wishing you peace on earth and good will towards humans,

Annie and Claire

Barbara Walters

I am so thankful tonight for...

• Barbara Walters
• 20/20
• Parents who understand that their transgender children are normal kids with a physical problem and work to get them comfortable
• The fact that Gender Identity Disorder is finally getting well-known enough that people don't have to hide their whole lives.
• My Claire, who is so incredibly special
  
• Jennifer Finney Boylan, who had the guts to write such a personal book that brings tremendous warmth, tears and laughter, and who's book was seen in the show tonight as giving guidance to some parents
  
• The tears that were finally able to flow tonight, watching that program
• All the people, who's lives are not touched personally by transgender issues, but have the courage to step up and be decent and enlighten others
  

Old Mike, New Christine - LA Times sports reporter comes out as TS

In his article here, Mike Penner of the Los Angeles Times wrote today that he will be taking a vacation and coming back as Christine Daniels.

Not only do I applaud Mike Penner for his bravery in finally coming out of hiding and enlightening the world as he does so, but his column was so wonderful and well written.

I'm thrilled that the LA Times is so supportive, and is planning on welcoming Christine with open arms. In a few weeks, Christine will be living Claire's dream--being her true self at last.

God speed, Christine, we look forward to your debut!

Gender games, continued

So, I'm trying to get away from wearing 5.11 ATACS (tactical boots) and BDUs to work. I work as a network administrator for a large organization, and they've accepted me for who I am. Heck, I wore combat boots to my job interview. You just never know when you'll need to be appropriately dressed to respond to an emergency at work, right?

So today, I went to work in linen pants and a tailored pale blue woman's shirt, with brown kitten heels. I was noticed by some coworkers who asked me what the heck was going on with dressing somewhat girly. One coworker, Sean, (always a quick one with the jokes) told the others not to move too quickly, lest they scare me back into black clothing and 5.11s.

I just joked with them that my spouse and my mom were trying to get me to dress like a real girl, and rolled my eyes. Sean then made the comment that if I didn't have kids, he'd wonder about me.

Oh, if he only knew!

Nothing much else happening right now. I've been working on some jewelry and writing my novel. I'm really enjoying writing urban fantasy. It may never get published, but at least I'll have tried. I'm an hour late for bed, but I hit the 5000 word mark, so I'm happy.

Metta,

Annie

Damn that Mary Kay...

Claire hates me now. And the irony is killing me.

We were out Saturday taking pictures of a festival in our town and several vendors had booths set up. One booth was for Mary Kay, which I noticed immediately because Claire was poking me in the ribs hissing "Mary Kay, Mary Kay!" in my ear. They had a huge gift basket they were giving away as a prize. So I entered my name hoping to win it for Claire. Since Claire was dressed in androgynous mode, and we were in our home town, it wasn't prudent to have her enter as her own name.

Well, guess who called tonight. Yup. The Mary Kay salesperson. I had given her my cell phone number, which has never--in a whole year--had reception at my house. Well, the damn thing rang. At my house. And when I answered it, the phone had a good connection and didn't lose it even though I moved around trying to drop the connection. I didn't win the basket, but I did win a "pampering session" and a free lipstick or gloss.

Of course I did. Because, see, I never win anything I actually want! I have as much interest in getting my colors read or getting a facial as well... as getting a free lipstick. I'm a tomboy. Color things on faces are not my speed. Now, Claire on the other hand is beside herself, because she would love, love, LOVE that.

*sigh*

So... I know that "pampering sessions" are often used by Mary Kay to hook new customers, so I know that part is not much, but waving a free lipstick at Claire is likely to inspire her to ask her partner to do whatever it takes to get it.

She wants me to go.

She wants to come "hang out" and get tips. While I pretend to be having fun getting *gasp* makeup applied to my face.

I don't know if I love her THAT much.

We had an exchange a few minutes ago that went like this (bear in mind we're cracking up laughing the entire time)
Claire: "Bitch. You stole my makeover."
Me: "I don't even want the stupid thing! That's torture! I'm NOT going."
Claire: "You have to. I want to hear the TIPS."
Me: "No way chickie, I'm not getting tortured for you."
Claire: "I hope you get fat overnight!" *flounces off laughing*

She cracks me up. I don't know if it's a good idea to ask someone in our small hick town if she's TG friendly, because Claire will obviously get outed if she isn't. But it would be so much fun to go somewhere local and do something. Perhaps I will go and pretend I'm interested and let Claire "help me pick out a color or two". Perhaps we should just book something out of town. I hate that she has to hide in plain sight still.

I don't know anything about Mary Kay cosmetics, so if anyone has some feedback I'd love to hear it. Is Mary Kay worth the money? Not having a MAC counter anywhere nearby, is Merle Norman better?

In the meantime, she better stop throwing pillows at me.

Metta,

Annie

Spousal Support...

So today I have to rant about something. If you are transgendered, there are several support sites that you can use. My Husband Betty, Crossdressers.com, and other sites are available to the transgendered and their SOs (significant others). There are many private groups that only GGs (Genetic Girls) can belong to as a support group.

Unfortunately, SO support forums (and I have joined several) tend to be extremely negative, and that's not what I want. I don't want a list that fills my inbox with negativity. I want a place where I can ask for and give advice, talk about things, and get feedback to help elevate me into a good place while dealing with this. If I need support and encouragement, then the last thing I want is hate and misery. A support group should allow people to voice concerns and fears and get reassurance and support.

I want to help SOs that are having trouble. I love to help people. That's why I volunter with the fire department. But I don't want a place where someone posts a problem and 20 people respond with "hell yeah, kick him to the curb!" and try to one-up each other on how awful their lives are. I am a big believer in surrounding yourself with positive energy, and I just can't bring myself to join in groups that allow so much bashing to go on. It is unhealthy and unproductive. It also scares me, because partners that are new to the "married to a TS" experience are scared and need guidance. If they are on the fence of staying or leaving a marriage, and all they see are bitter posts stating that all TS people are self-centered jerks, it could really affect a marriage. I just want to get on a soapbox and yell "hey wait, not everyone is miserable!"

Now, if a partner has always been a selfish jerk and is now being a selfish jerk in transition, that's not a trans issue. In that case, you're with a jerk that's making you miserable, so yeah, leave. I left one--not in transition, just a egocentric jerk. It was hard, but I survived rebuilding my life and career with small kids. Divorce sucks, but so does staying in a relationship that kills you, emotionally or physically.

If Claire was nasty, abusive, uncaring, self-centered and made me miserable, then I wouldn't be here. I would be gone from the marriage. I am not required to stay because of some perverse rule that I must be supportive. Life's too short to stay with someone you hate, much less support them through transition if they haven't been a fully vested partner themselves.

However, I love Claire ferociously, and she returns the favor. She's kind, sweet, wonderful and afflicted with being trans. Of course I stay and fully engage in this issue. Someday she'll be fully transitioned and things will settle down. We won't have to worry about being outed, about job loss, about hair removal. Then we can kick back and just be ourselves with just normal worldly worries.

My point here is that if you are deeply in love and want to make it work, there is no "SO only" place to go that will elevate you towards your goal, no place where you can express pain and get *helpful* feedback on dealing with an issue. If I have a question about hormones and what to expect, I don't want "If my spouse changes his plumbing I'm outta here" type responses, I want normal thoughtful repsonses. If someone knows of that place, where people that do love and cherish their partners go to ask questions and get support gather, please let me know. In the meantime, I shall continue doing it my way: with research, buddhist approaches to life, and deep honest conversations with Claire.

Dealing with a relationship that is in transition is like swimming to safety with your best friend making sure you both keep your heads above water. A negative only support group is a cement block tied to your ankles.

Metta,

Annie

Showdown: Handbags at Dawn...

It's been a wild couple of days for handbags...

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Friday afternoon Claire and I had a chiropractor appointment. Dr. T was quite funny as usual and said she was dying to see a picture of Claire dressed as a girl. We decided that we'd take some pictures and let Dr. T see what Claire really looks like when she's not in drab.

When we went up to the front office to check out, Dr. T whispered to me to bring a picture in. Which started THIS exchange:

Claire: "You better behave, doc"
Dr. T: "Make me!"
Claire: "All right then..."
Dr. T the triathlete: (flexes bicep) "Check this out"
Claire: "And?"
Dr. T: "Wanna fight?"
Claire: "Okay, handbags at dawn?"

This caused the staff sitting there to drop what they were doing and ponder that statement for a moment while Dr. T stuttered, laughed and said "What?"

One of the ladies in the office said "Purses. Handbags at dawn." This of course made me completely lose it laughing, and Dr. T couldn't come up with a response that wouldn't completely give Claire away to the staff (like they won't guess now). She just exited the room doing half-hearted little kicks at Claire and laughing, telling Claire to behave.

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Fast forward to today at Target. We're shopping quietly for clothes in the women's section. Claire is dressed androgynously, and we're playing it cool as we shop. That is, until we get to the handbag section.

Now, the handbag section is directly across an aisle from the fairly crowded women's section. Claire starts looking at some bags on a rack next to the aisle and picks up a really cute hobo and remarks "nice bag."

Not so bad, you might think. You'd be wrong. Because then I said, in my not so demure voice, "Oh yeah, that's cute! It's a lot like your MUDD hobo."

It was an "Oh my God. Did I just do that?" moment. We both busted out laughing. I don't know how many people overheard that, but it was damn funny.

Ah well. Yeah, deep stealth is all in our heads right now. The whole world knows ;)

Metta,

Annie