It snowed.

I woke up to lovely gift this morning. It snowed, and it's enough to leave snow on the ground and the car. Gives the world kind of a calming, peaceful look this morning. I think I needed it.

We're hanging in there. I feel like I'm finally kicking the pneumonia, and getting to a solid, grounded place in which I can support Claire this week.

Primal scream therapy in your car on a deserted stretch of road is amazing.

I talked to my mom, a breast cancer survivor, for 20 minutes Monday night, and she kicked me into fighting and staying strong.

Practicing "walking meditation" is starting to come back under my control. I can't quite get myself to believe my normal mantra learned from Thich Nhat Hahn. I have changed the last line to be "This is the only moment".

Breathing in, I calm my body.
Breathing out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment,
I know this is a wonderful moment!

I'd like to thank everyone that has loaded us down with thoughts and prayers. It's making a difference knowing we're not alone as we play this awful waiting game.

Love,

Annie

And the world comes tumbling down.

I worked myself into exhaustion a week ago, while I had the flu. Worked around the clock on a project to the point where I gave myself pneumonia. Now I'm glad I had it.

Yesterday, I took Claire in because she's been sick too. Having bacterial pneumonia, I wanted to make sure they she didn't get it while down with the flu. The doctor took a routine chest x-ray, and my world has been upended since that moment.

See, there was something on the x-ray. Not pneumonia, but a mass in the upper lobe of her right lung. One that looks pretty scary. The doctor sent the film to a radiologist, and called last night to tell us that the radiologist said it looked like a mass that needs an immediate CT scan.

Apparently the shoulder pain that the Savannah orthopedic surgeon dismissed as cubital tunnel syndrome might have been this.

We were supposed to have a CT scan today. However, between Claire being pretty ill with the flu, having the shock of this hit us, and the fact that she would need an iodine injection with a severe anxiety issue about needles made us postpone it.

So, until Friday, we're in the dark. All alone with this specter over our heads.

We've called my folks, and told our best friends. We've both cried, and tried to be brave. The next few days will be really hard, and I know it.

I still have hope in my heart that Friday's CT Scan will leave us walking away breathing a sigh of relief that it was scar tissue, or other anomoly.

All I know right now is that I'm scared, and she's scared. Prayers, good thoughts, etc. are welcome. We'll make it through this; I know we will.

In the meantime, Claire insists that this will be a piece of cake to get through, since she has already survived 36 years stuck in the wrong body.

Annie

A Valentine's Card to my Claire

Claire,

This is the first Valentine's Day since you started living full time in your proper gender.

I look back on everything we've gone through and am amazed at so many things.

I am amazed at the depths to which I've seen you plunge into depression, and the highs I've seen you reach now that you are battling all those demons that plagued you all your life.

I am amazed at the openness with which my family received your news, and the embrace they've drawn you into since they learned they had a new daughter instead of a son.

I am amazed at how we've coped, and loved, and adapted, and grown into better people, both of us.

I am amazed at the physical changes brought on by hormone therapy. You're beautiful, and you really certainly don't look like the James I met 7 years ago.

I am amazed at how smooth a transition it was to uproot ourselves and move to Atlanta, and how friendly Atlanta is.

But mostly...

I am amazed at how strong our love is, and how simply overwhelming it is to me. I think of you always, in the back of my mind while I work, play, make jewelry, and even sleep. Random thoughts of you will filter into my head, and I can't suppress the little smile that makes me actually feel my eyes twinkle.

I love you with all my heart and soul. Will you be my Valentine?

Love,

Your Annie.

It's snowing in Atlanta :)

What a cool couple of weeks. We bought a nice new bed, Claire had her Spiro doubled, and tonight it's snowing.

This poor little gardenia is pretty darn cold.

I played and left a message for Claire while I was out with the puppies. That's a paw print from one of our shepherds to the left of the word Claire. Totally by accident but looked really cool. Shh, don't tell Claire I didn't plan it that way.

Not much else to tell this week. Been really busy - doing another big project at work that will be over Tuesday, and been working on my metalsmithing business. Good stuff, that metalsmithing.

Have a great rest of the week everyone! Oh, and a special shout-out to my buddies Brian and Frances back home. Miss you guys.

Annie

Happy New Year!

I love metalworking, really love it. I'm glad Christmas is over though so I can stop rushing to fill orders and can go back to really enjoying my craft. Next year I'll be more prepared.

We spent our first Christmas together this year with Claire being really and truly Claire. No half the day as James, half the day as Claire. I can't tell you how nice it is that we don't have to do that anymore.

Keeping up the sham of having her pretend to be someone we both know she's not was rough. It's really nice now to just *be*.

I do miss the mornings and afternoons together sometimes though, since we used to carpool. However, now I get to come home and have a hot cup of tea waiting for me and dinner on the stove, doggies already fed and nothing to do but relax. I think our arrangement is working out great right now. It's good for Claire right now as she deals with self-esteem and anxiety issues, and it's been pretty good for me stress wise. The time we do have together now is really wonderful.

The other morning I ran into a table corner--train wreck with two german shepherds rushing through a narrow area--and I got a pretty rough contusion on my leg that hurt like hell all day at work. It left a goose egg on my thigh big enough for coworkers to see through slacks. I was hurting, and was really exhausted coming home from work. I called Claire from the train station, like I always do, to let her know I was on the way home. I offered to stop at the store if she needed anything, and I felt like I needed to because we were out of a couple of things. She insisted I come straight home. Imagine my surprise when I walked in only to be led straight to a bathroom with a hot bubble bath, a snack and a bottle of water waiting for me.

I know that most people going through transition don't have the luxury of taking time off, and some probably don't really need it, but Claire was really emotionally dead for years. Think walking dead and you pretty much sum "James" up. I think it's been a good trade-off moving and doing this the way we did. I know she's not very comfortable in Atlanta and really didn't want to move to a big city, but it does give me the chance to give her the gift of taking at least a year off while she goes through the rough spots. The difference in the last 6 months has been amazing.

I have to stop and think about how wonderful my family has been to Claire. The love and acceptance they've shown her I'm sure doesn't completely replace her entire biological family, but I know it means the world to her. We're really blessed to have them in our lives.

Christmas Eve was the seventh anniversary of our first kiss. I'm far happier than I ever thought I would be right now. I think had Claire not finally broken down and told me what was so very wrong in her life, we'd probably be divorced or she'd be dead. Although I loved "James" it was getting to the point where the depression was so incredibly severe it was seriously interfering with living.

I came home from work on Monday, opened the door to see my tall, willowy blonde with a sparkle in her eyes and a smile on her lips, and my breath actually caught.

I'm a lucky girl. My soulmate's still with me, and she's finally alive. Happy New Year. Life is good :)

Annie

PS - as I just finished this up, the song "My Girl" came on. Pretty funny, huh?

A rose by any other name...

Is still just as smelly. *grin*. I actually don't like roses, but Claire loves them. I buy them for her every now and then and she buys me wildflowers. We understand each other.

BUT... that's not what this post is about. Our name change gauntlet is finally complete. Claire is now in possession of a driver's license with her real name on it. You may remember that she actually changed her name months ago by doing it in her native country in the UK. However, the local driver's license office wouldn't accept a UK document, so we had to publish in the paper and spend another $150 to get it changed here.

Want to talk about nerve-wracking? I hate the public information act. Publishing that you are changing your name from a definitely male name to female name is attention getting enough, without someone being able to easily track you down via public info. Ugh.

It was a roller coaster day, starting with the courthouse.

We were all done, and we finally got our appointment to do the name change in judge's chambers. The judge was a woman and had done several name changes of a similar nature, so we were pretty comfortable going in.

Then, while waiting in the public area we hear that she's not hearing our case, some senior judge is. Okay, no panic really yet... sure it is going to be okay. I start wondering on what grounds a judge can refuse to do this. Claire starts getting nervous.

The staff attorney comes out and calls out the names of three people waiting to go see the judge. And of course, in a very loud voice - 'James Rushden?'

Shit.

So I jump up and say "That would be me" before Claire even stands up. I was hoping that maybe the others might think it was a probate issue, etc. and deflect attention from my already extremely nervous spouse. The last thing we wanted was one of these people to follow us into the dark garage and mess with us.

We follow him to the elevator and crowd on with these others that are giving us the hairy eyeball now. We get to the other floor and I pull the attorney aside for a second and verify that we would still be doing this in private and to please just call our last name.

We finally got called into the office (as Ms. Rushden), and discovered that we would be in front of an older male judge. Of course, being in the ultra conservative state we're in, we started really hoping he would be cool about this.

Well, let's just say I'm now enamored with this judge. He was not only polite about it, but warm and funny, and said congrats and shook our hands at the end. I sure got a kick in the head not to prejudge people. Ouch.

SO... we left on a high note now, this went great :)

We go to the DMV. That's when it goes downhill. I have some advice for anyone about to change their name. Before you do the name change, go in to the DMV in androgynous mode and get a new picture. Because it really, REALLY sucked for us not having done that.

We get there and get called up to the booth. The clerk starts looking over her paperwork and pondering the issue at hand. She's ready to do this until she sees that Claire is a permanent resident, not a citizen. It's not a problem, because you can change your name if you're a PR, but this is *why we were told to go change her name in a local court* - for these people at the DMV.

So I seethe for a moment, and then she calls a supervisor over. She hands the supervisor the old drivers license with the male photo and name. So the supervisor asks 'what does HE want to do?" The person helping us starts to say (loudly) that "HE" wants to change "HIS" name. When they dropped the "HE" bomb one more time, and Claire is trying to shrink herself under the counter I lean forward and say "She, please say SHE."

The clerk realized what she was doing and said "Oh, I'm so sorry, I don't know why I did that."

I mean, come on. A little tact? You have both IDs in hand, and you see a woman in front of you, and you call her out?

So after much back and forth while they decide if they should let her change her name on her license, they sign the documents and let her move on to the other room to get her new picture taken.

So we're standing there in line, trying to relax for a moment after that horrible incident, and we get called to the desk. We're hoping that anyone that heard that exchange has left.

I'll paint the scene for you. Imagine a waiting room full of people. Imagine a desk with a 24" monitor that is turned so half the waiting room can see the very large picture that shows on her screen as she pulls up the license with the OLD picture (huge picture) of "James" before transition - obviously a MALE picture.

Then, imagine the woman looking at it taking her time and reading the address out in a nice crisp, clear voice for all to hear. She leaves the picture on the screen as long as she can while telling Claire to remove her shades, etc. Then she takes the picture.

Any shred of dignity that Claire could have had left after the counter incident was now totally stripped. Mortified. I was just mortified at how they treated this. I can't tell you just how awful I felt for my poor Claire.

To top it off, her picture turned out like crap, and she thinks it made her look old.

And of course, it still has the M on it. But we figured that would happen.

But, she recovered, but was really down for a while afterwards. She has a license (that she hates) with her female picture and new name. Now, social security and all the other paperwork can finally start getting changed and we can bury the old name that she's suffered under for so many years.

It feels good. She wondered if we should have a funeral for James. I think that would actually be kind of fun :)

Take care all, I'm going to go play in my studio and hammer some metal.

Annie

Hormones, Progress, and Boobs

Claire is finally starting to see some changes start up again from the new dose of hormones. Our visit to the endo a couple of months ago revealed that her dose of the past year wasn't really high enough to suppress the evil testosterone levels enough to let the estrogen really work. So now she's off the patch and on pills.

We're definitely seeing the effects of the T dropping, which is awesome.

Of course, the *big* issue around here is bra size. She's a full A now, and thrilled to be so. She is rather tall and thin (grrr - so jealous!) so if she hits a full B she'll be happy. What I find funny is the fact that she is a combination of enthralled and miserable at the current growth. Pains, tenderness, etc--while uncomfortable--are reassuring because they are accompanied by growth. I catch her prodding them sometimes and marveling at the real breast tissue that is giving her the long awaited proper changes. For instance, overheard in the Rushden house the other night - "wow, they're getting HEAVY!"

But the part that makes me really giggle is when she tries to go to sleep. She shifts around about 5 times sighing and fussing because the way she's slept her whole life doesn't work anymore now that she has boobs in the way (cue evil laughter as I recall abject misery during pregnancy). I have no sympathy. She doesn't know where to put her arms to sleep, and I find it so funny. She's cute in her misery ;)

She has discovered tank tops and now walks around the house braless in the tank top and lovely swishy linen pants, her hair now past her shoulders and highlighted with blonde streaks, feeling lovely and girly, and looking like a vision of beauty to me.

What a cool journey this is :)

Annie