SCC and how to live life as a happy trans partner

It looks like I will be able to get the Friday off for the Southern Comfort conference here. I've heard that there will be a couple of people speaking that I would love to meet, so I am really looking forward to it. I would love to talk to the activists that will be there, and would really love to attend the reading that Jennifer Boylan will give. The job fair should be great and I know Claire is looking forward to the marketplace.

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I received another email a few days ago from a partner that had just realized that her spouse was trans. She was struggling to find a reason for it, and grappling with the shock and reality of what staying together will mean on her part. I am asked quite often how to deal with this issue in a positive light. I would like to give some advice to partners that are in this situation. These are my thoughts, and perhaps sharing my ideals might help you realize how I came to be the way I am.

* Be kind, step back, take a deep breath and try to empathize. Talk and find out just what your spouse has been dealing with all these years. Again, be kind.

* Realize that the hiding that has been done has not been on purpose to lie to you. It is most likely the fact that they have been deluding themselves that they could hide it forever and live a normal life. They only break down and tell when they give out trying to hide anymore.

* Realize that the physical appearance you fall in love when you meet is fleeting and degrades with age. You will have changes in your body, and your spouse in his/hers. If a relationship is only about looks, perhaps your relationship isn't strong enough to last the test of time anyway. If you are married to the soul inside the body, then that is what will last.

* Realize that a soulmate, a true love, is very rare. There are many women living with abusers, with drunks, with philanderers. If your spouse is a truly decent person, perhaps you should try to make the journey with them. You have nothing to lose if you try.

* Realize that you can't live your life worrying what others think. If your self-worth is tied into who you can be friends with and what groups you can be in, then you probably won't stand a chance.

* Realize that there will be awkward issues with sex. Again, empathize and be creative. Perhaps if you simply can't deal with the idea of exploration, then maybe a marriage without sex is an option. If you can handle the idea of snuggling and you're married to your soulmate, talk and compromise. There have been many people that transition and keep a marriage together, and not all of them have sex, just like there are several non-trans couples that eventually become platonic and still deeply in love. Ask yourself what you would do if your partner became impotent and the trans issue was never there, would it be a deal-breaker? If not, look deep and see if you can try to stay together.

* Realize that if you're willing to take a risk, to try a journey that will definitely be an experience in life, if you're willing to dig deep and understand, then perhaps you can find a happy balance and a joyous life.

* Again, if you stay, be gentle and kind. Transition is scary as hell, and there will be moments where you may get annoyed if your partner is self-centered and fascinated at changes in their body. Remember back to puberty when you experienced the same thrill, and realize that it won't last forever.

* Communicate constantly.

* Most importantly, if you don't stay together, be kind. Realize that this is not something your partner wished for. It is something they've hidden to try to spare you pain and to stay together. Please don't use children as a weapon. Set an example for them of being compassionate and understanding.


Have a good night everyone,

Annie