Claire left her best friend behind in England 8 years ago. They had limited contact back and forth for 5 years or so, and then stopped.
Well, the best friend emailed the other day to see how his old mate was doing in America. He had noticed that some information about 'James' had been taken offline. Wanted to know what was up.
So, we talked and talked, and talked some more instead of sleeping that night. Decided to email him and tell him the story, and she tried to come to terms with the fact that the best friend she loved like a brother wouldn't laugh at her or attack her. It was a very scary thing, because these two were best mates for quite a long time.
With family already excommunicated, he was really her last happy tie to England.
The next day, she sent a long email off basically telling him she is a transwoman. For hours, we waited for a response back from England.
When it finally came, he said it didn't matter to him. He said he'd always thought that she was a bit effeminate, and laughed and said 'who knows, had you been born in the right body we might even be married today'. He then told her he always loved her like a brother, and now he'll love her as his sister.
He went on to say that he's apologizing in advance for screwing up and saying the wrong gender or name. In short, he confirmed that he is an wonderful friend and kind human being. It's only been a couple of days but his stance is that bodies don't matter, just what's inside.
I adore happy endings.
Peace and Love,
Annie
Showing posts with label transition. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transition. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Thursday, August 2, 2007
SCC and how to live life as a happy trans partner
It looks like I will be able to get the Friday off for the Southern Comfort conference here. I've heard that there will be a couple of people speaking that I would love to meet, so I am really looking forward to it. I would love to talk to the activists that will be there, and would really love to attend the reading that Jennifer Boylan will give. The job fair should be great and I know Claire is looking forward to the marketplace.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I received another email a few days ago from a partner that had just realized that her spouse was trans. She was struggling to find a reason for it, and grappling with the shock and reality of what staying together will mean on her part. I am asked quite often how to deal with this issue in a positive light. I would like to give some advice to partners that are in this situation. These are my thoughts, and perhaps sharing my ideals might help you realize how I came to be the way I am.
* Be kind, step back, take a deep breath and try to empathize. Talk and find out just what your spouse has been dealing with all these years. Again, be kind.
* Realize that the hiding that has been done has not been on purpose to lie to you. It is most likely the fact that they have been deluding themselves that they could hide it forever and live a normal life. They only break down and tell when they give out trying to hide anymore.
* Realize that the physical appearance you fall in love when you meet is fleeting and degrades with age. You will have changes in your body, and your spouse in his/hers. If a relationship is only about looks, perhaps your relationship isn't strong enough to last the test of time anyway. If you are married to the soul inside the body, then that is what will last.
* Realize that a soulmate, a true love, is very rare. There are many women living with abusers, with drunks, with philanderers. If your spouse is a truly decent person, perhaps you should try to make the journey with them. You have nothing to lose if you try.
* Realize that you can't live your life worrying what others think. If your self-worth is tied into who you can be friends with and what groups you can be in, then you probably won't stand a chance.
* Realize that there will be awkward issues with sex. Again, empathize and be creative. Perhaps if you simply can't deal with the idea of exploration, then maybe a marriage without sex is an option. If you can handle the idea of snuggling and you're married to your soulmate, talk and compromise. There have been many people that transition and keep a marriage together, and not all of them have sex, just like there are several non-trans couples that eventually become platonic and still deeply in love. Ask yourself what you would do if your partner became impotent and the trans issue was never there, would it be a deal-breaker? If not, look deep and see if you can try to stay together.
* Realize that if you're willing to take a risk, to try a journey that will definitely be an experience in life, if you're willing to dig deep and understand, then perhaps you can find a happy balance and a joyous life.
* Again, if you stay, be gentle and kind. Transition is scary as hell, and there will be moments where you may get annoyed if your partner is self-centered and fascinated at changes in their body. Remember back to puberty when you experienced the same thrill, and realize that it won't last forever.
* Communicate constantly.
* Most importantly, if you don't stay together, be kind. Realize that this is not something your partner wished for. It is something they've hidden to try to spare you pain and to stay together. Please don't use children as a weapon. Set an example for them of being compassionate and understanding.
Have a good night everyone,
Annie
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I received another email a few days ago from a partner that had just realized that her spouse was trans. She was struggling to find a reason for it, and grappling with the shock and reality of what staying together will mean on her part. I am asked quite often how to deal with this issue in a positive light. I would like to give some advice to partners that are in this situation. These are my thoughts, and perhaps sharing my ideals might help you realize how I came to be the way I am.
* Be kind, step back, take a deep breath and try to empathize. Talk and find out just what your spouse has been dealing with all these years. Again, be kind.
* Realize that the hiding that has been done has not been on purpose to lie to you. It is most likely the fact that they have been deluding themselves that they could hide it forever and live a normal life. They only break down and tell when they give out trying to hide anymore.
* Realize that the physical appearance you fall in love when you meet is fleeting and degrades with age. You will have changes in your body, and your spouse in his/hers. If a relationship is only about looks, perhaps your relationship isn't strong enough to last the test of time anyway. If you are married to the soul inside the body, then that is what will last.
* Realize that a soulmate, a true love, is very rare. There are many women living with abusers, with drunks, with philanderers. If your spouse is a truly decent person, perhaps you should try to make the journey with them. You have nothing to lose if you try.
* Realize that you can't live your life worrying what others think. If your self-worth is tied into who you can be friends with and what groups you can be in, then you probably won't stand a chance.
* Realize that there will be awkward issues with sex. Again, empathize and be creative. Perhaps if you simply can't deal with the idea of exploration, then maybe a marriage without sex is an option. If you can handle the idea of snuggling and you're married to your soulmate, talk and compromise. There have been many people that transition and keep a marriage together, and not all of them have sex, just like there are several non-trans couples that eventually become platonic and still deeply in love. Ask yourself what you would do if your partner became impotent and the trans issue was never there, would it be a deal-breaker? If not, look deep and see if you can try to stay together.
* Realize that if you're willing to take a risk, to try a journey that will definitely be an experience in life, if you're willing to dig deep and understand, then perhaps you can find a happy balance and a joyous life.
* Again, if you stay, be gentle and kind. Transition is scary as hell, and there will be moments where you may get annoyed if your partner is self-centered and fascinated at changes in their body. Remember back to puberty when you experienced the same thrill, and realize that it won't last forever.
* Communicate constantly.
* Most importantly, if you don't stay together, be kind. Realize that this is not something your partner wished for. It is something they've hidden to try to spare you pain and to stay together. Please don't use children as a weapon. Set an example for them of being compassionate and understanding.
Have a good night everyone,
Annie
Thursday, June 7, 2007
T minus 1
Today is the last visit to the chiropractor (and great friend) Dr. T - a really tough goodbye. After that, we head on to our friend Ted's hair salon, where Claire will be getting her first 'official' girl haircut. She's also going to get her eyebrows touched up - better her than me lol ;) Another really tough goodbye. We tried to drop some flowers off to our regular doctor, who has been overseeing Claire's hormone therapy, but her office was closed yesterday.
After that, a quick lunch with my son and back to finish packing the house. Our antique Galaxie should be on a car carrier by that time and headed back to Atlanta, the city where she was manufactured.
Tonight, the dogs go to a boarding facility to wait out our move. I fly back Saturday morning to pick up my SUV and haul them up from Savannah to Atlanta. 4 hours with 2 german shepherds in close quarters... whew. Fun.
Tomorrow at around 9am we have to be ready to go, as the movers will be arriving. They should be done packing us up around 1-2pm and then we'll be on our way to a transgender friendly city. I'm really excited at the idea of Claire having the pressure off of her to pretend to be someone she isn't. This will give her some time to work on her voice, figure out what career she really wants and just settle in to her proper identity.
On a somewhat related note: today at 10:45am, Steve Stanton officially becomes Susan Ashley Stanton. I hope she has a great day to celebrate her officially shedding the wrong identity and embracing her proper one.
Cable gets shut off today, so we'll be back online by Monday hopefully.
I hope everyone has a great weekend.
Annie
After that, a quick lunch with my son and back to finish packing the house. Our antique Galaxie should be on a car carrier by that time and headed back to Atlanta, the city where she was manufactured.
Tonight, the dogs go to a boarding facility to wait out our move. I fly back Saturday morning to pick up my SUV and haul them up from Savannah to Atlanta. 4 hours with 2 german shepherds in close quarters... whew. Fun.
Tomorrow at around 9am we have to be ready to go, as the movers will be arriving. They should be done packing us up around 1-2pm and then we'll be on our way to a transgender friendly city. I'm really excited at the idea of Claire having the pressure off of her to pretend to be someone she isn't. This will give her some time to work on her voice, figure out what career she really wants and just settle in to her proper identity.
On a somewhat related note: today at 10:45am, Steve Stanton officially becomes Susan Ashley Stanton. I hope she has a great day to celebrate her officially shedding the wrong identity and embracing her proper one.
Cable gets shut off today, so we'll be back online by Monday hopefully.
I hope everyone has a great weekend.
Annie
Sunday, May 20, 2007
The meaning of a heavy heart
(I have so many half written posts, I'll get back to posting daily once this trip is over)
Tonight is the first night Claire and I have spent apart in a very long time. I am in Atlanta tonight preparing for interviews tomorrow. If I get the job I hope to get tomorrow morning, Claire will be able to transition now because I will be making enough for both of us to live on while she establishes herself in her new identity. I drove around and visited a couple of rental houses here, imagining Claire staying at home and playing housewife for a while as she decides and experiments with what she really would like to do for a career.
As I left the house today, I realized something. I am in my late 30s, and have been in a few relationships. I always enjoyed being sent out of town on business or for any reason at all so I could have some alone time. Honestly, when "James" was working nights, I hated it but kind of enjoyed the break from what could be a tense time due to "his" depression.
But today... oh today.
I went to leave and realized that the idea of driving across a state and spending the night without her just plain hurt. I've never felt this with anyone before. It was nice to realize that the sadness I felt on driving away was a true testament to how very strong our marriage is, but I felt tears well up as I drove off.
Six years of marriage. A few hundred miles. And my heart felt like it weighed 40 pounds in my chest as I hit the highway.
I remember reading when Linda McCartney died that she and Paul never spent a night apart. I used to wonder how they could do that and never *want* to spend at least a little time alone. I understand now. I have Claire's picture sitting in front of me while I study tonight, and oh how I understand.
And although tonight I share my bed with nothing but the little stuffed bear we named Charlotte that we bought years ago at Birmingham Zoo (something to occupy Claire's pillow, placed in my bag by her), I feel honored and blessed. For, although some people may look at my life and wonder "why does she stay while her 'husband' becomes a woman?" I know the truth. I have the brass ring. I have a love that transcends all I have ever dreamed possible.
Good night, my sweet, beautiful Claire. I miss you desperately and love you ferociously.
Annie
Tonight is the first night Claire and I have spent apart in a very long time. I am in Atlanta tonight preparing for interviews tomorrow. If I get the job I hope to get tomorrow morning, Claire will be able to transition now because I will be making enough for both of us to live on while she establishes herself in her new identity. I drove around and visited a couple of rental houses here, imagining Claire staying at home and playing housewife for a while as she decides and experiments with what she really would like to do for a career.
As I left the house today, I realized something. I am in my late 30s, and have been in a few relationships. I always enjoyed being sent out of town on business or for any reason at all so I could have some alone time. Honestly, when "James" was working nights, I hated it but kind of enjoyed the break from what could be a tense time due to "his" depression.
But today... oh today.
I went to leave and realized that the idea of driving across a state and spending the night without her just plain hurt. I've never felt this with anyone before. It was nice to realize that the sadness I felt on driving away was a true testament to how very strong our marriage is, but I felt tears well up as I drove off.
Six years of marriage. A few hundred miles. And my heart felt like it weighed 40 pounds in my chest as I hit the highway.
I remember reading when Linda McCartney died that she and Paul never spent a night apart. I used to wonder how they could do that and never *want* to spend at least a little time alone. I understand now. I have Claire's picture sitting in front of me while I study tonight, and oh how I understand.
And although tonight I share my bed with nothing but the little stuffed bear we named Charlotte that we bought years ago at Birmingham Zoo (something to occupy Claire's pillow, placed in my bag by her), I feel honored and blessed. For, although some people may look at my life and wonder "why does she stay while her 'husband' becomes a woman?" I know the truth. I have the brass ring. I have a love that transcends all I have ever dreamed possible.
Good night, my sweet, beautiful Claire. I miss you desperately and love you ferociously.
Annie
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Long time no blog...
It has been just a crazy few days. Between being out of town and being consumed with job hunting and relocation, it's been so very, very hard to get on and post.
So much to report. Where should I start?
We have been struggling with the idea of what we would do if Claire lost her job--a very real possibility given the agency she works for and her condition. We were comfortably living within our means, but without a whole lot of wiggle room. This means that if she lost her job and had trouble replacing it, we would be in trouble. This has caused a lot of stress.
We had also been planning on moving to Portland, Oregon in a couple of years. But, in order to be able to afford the move without a lot of stress (several thousand dollars and a complicated move), we probably wouldn't have everything paid off in time.
So, out of the blue, I received a letter from a recruiter. I'm a high level computer nerd, so I do get headhunted every now and then. That's when it hit me. If we moved to a bigger city with a comparable cost of living, I could easily make 20k more than I do now, which would mean that the financial load could fall on my shoulders for stability. Then, whatever Claire makes could pay off bills faster, but if she were to lose her job in the new place, we would be financially able to weather it. Added to that the fact that bigger cities have more tolerance, it would be easier all around. We could stay there for 3-4 years and pay off everything, and save money for a down payment on a house in Portland.
The most important thing of all though, is that when we move, Claire could immediately adopt an androgynous appearance and go by initials while she works--thus stopping the being called James during the day and Claire at night. She could basically shed the need to be James and at least start living in a transitional state.
So, that said, I placed a resume on a couple of the big job boards, and have been deluged. Apparently my skill set is in high demand, and I have narrowed down the offers to a few. We are now deciding on a location - Lakeland or Jacksonville in Florida or Atlanta, Georgia. I know the Jax scene, but I have no clue about Lakeland. It could be highly intolerant of LGBT issues. I would love some feedback from anyone with Lakeland experience.
I've got to wrap this up for a little while and go take care of some stuff, but I'll post again tonight to fill you in on our adventure of Claire meeting the family as Claire this past weekend.
Oh, and Susan Stanton's portrait was in the St. Pete Times. She looked so gorgeous and that smile was just worth 1,000 words. Today it was announced she's in the final round of interviews for the Sarasota city manager job. And she got a toaster from Jenny Boylan. What else does a girl need? *grin* We're so proud of you Susan! And Sarasota, you just plain rock. Thank you so much for being so fair and wonderful.
Have you seen the Gender issue of Newsweek? Fabulous articles. Really, really great.
Peace, Love and Equality,
Annie
So much to report. Where should I start?
We have been struggling with the idea of what we would do if Claire lost her job--a very real possibility given the agency she works for and her condition. We were comfortably living within our means, but without a whole lot of wiggle room. This means that if she lost her job and had trouble replacing it, we would be in trouble. This has caused a lot of stress.
We had also been planning on moving to Portland, Oregon in a couple of years. But, in order to be able to afford the move without a lot of stress (several thousand dollars and a complicated move), we probably wouldn't have everything paid off in time.
So, out of the blue, I received a letter from a recruiter. I'm a high level computer nerd, so I do get headhunted every now and then. That's when it hit me. If we moved to a bigger city with a comparable cost of living, I could easily make 20k more than I do now, which would mean that the financial load could fall on my shoulders for stability. Then, whatever Claire makes could pay off bills faster, but if she were to lose her job in the new place, we would be financially able to weather it. Added to that the fact that bigger cities have more tolerance, it would be easier all around. We could stay there for 3-4 years and pay off everything, and save money for a down payment on a house in Portland.
The most important thing of all though, is that when we move, Claire could immediately adopt an androgynous appearance and go by initials while she works--thus stopping the being called James during the day and Claire at night. She could basically shed the need to be James and at least start living in a transitional state.
So, that said, I placed a resume on a couple of the big job boards, and have been deluged. Apparently my skill set is in high demand, and I have narrowed down the offers to a few. We are now deciding on a location - Lakeland or Jacksonville in Florida or Atlanta, Georgia. I know the Jax scene, but I have no clue about Lakeland. It could be highly intolerant of LGBT issues. I would love some feedback from anyone with Lakeland experience.
I've got to wrap this up for a little while and go take care of some stuff, but I'll post again tonight to fill you in on our adventure of Claire meeting the family as Claire this past weekend.
Oh, and Susan Stanton's portrait was in the St. Pete Times. She looked so gorgeous and that smile was just worth 1,000 words. Today it was announced she's in the final round of interviews for the Sarasota city manager job. And she got a toaster from Jenny Boylan. What else does a girl need? *grin* We're so proud of you Susan! And Sarasota, you just plain rock. Thank you so much for being so fair and wonderful.
Have you seen the Gender issue of Newsweek? Fabulous articles. Really, really great.
Peace, Love and Equality,
Annie
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Thanks Comcast!
Comcast has finally fixed our Internet access. Life is good again! We're getting ready to make a trip down to Florida to visit my family. Claire is a bit nervous because she hasn't seen my Pop since the "truth" came out.
I messaged Popperoni this morning to pass along a question from Claire. Mom and Sis have seen Claire both dressed as Claire and in androgynous mode, and Claire wanted to know how to dress to make dad comfortable.
Dad replied with "I'm a nudist at heart, so if I had my druthers... but your mom says I can't, so whatever she wants, just tell her she should probably shave her legs if she's planning on a miniskirt. The French look is kind of frowned on down here in our neck of the woods."
It's really made me proud the way my family has treated this whole life change. Really, really proud. My dad was talking about Stanton a few weeks back, and he was so angered at the commission's decision to fire and the comments made at the "trial." His comment was "This is discrimination. Don't these people realize that this is something she can't change any more than people can change the color of their skin? She (Stanton) didn't ask to be born this way any more than any of us get to pick our attributes." Yup, my Popperoni is a good guy.
So today I plan to catch up on my web design work, and work on mom's Mother's Day present. I'm still debating what I'm going to make - I think I'm going to design her some really nice gold-filled earrings. And (shh... don't tell Claire -- Claire, stop reading now!) but I have to figure out what to make her as well. I figured it would be nice to give her something too :) I know her favorite present would be to have Kiddo here and safe, and not planning her deployment to Iraq, but I can't quite give her that.
Okay, I'm off to catch up on everything.
Peace, Love and Happiness,
Annie
I messaged Popperoni this morning to pass along a question from Claire. Mom and Sis have seen Claire both dressed as Claire and in androgynous mode, and Claire wanted to know how to dress to make dad comfortable.
Dad replied with "I'm a nudist at heart, so if I had my druthers... but your mom says I can't, so whatever she wants, just tell her she should probably shave her legs if she's planning on a miniskirt. The French look is kind of frowned on down here in our neck of the woods."
It's really made me proud the way my family has treated this whole life change. Really, really proud. My dad was talking about Stanton a few weeks back, and he was so angered at the commission's decision to fire and the comments made at the "trial." His comment was "This is discrimination. Don't these people realize that this is something she can't change any more than people can change the color of their skin? She (Stanton) didn't ask to be born this way any more than any of us get to pick our attributes." Yup, my Popperoni is a good guy.
So today I plan to catch up on my web design work, and work on mom's Mother's Day present. I'm still debating what I'm going to make - I think I'm going to design her some really nice gold-filled earrings. And (shh... don't tell Claire -- Claire, stop reading now!) but I have to figure out what to make her as well. I figured it would be nice to give her something too :) I know her favorite present would be to have Kiddo here and safe, and not planning her deployment to Iraq, but I can't quite give her that.
Okay, I'm off to catch up on everything.
Peace, Love and Happiness,
Annie
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Old Mike, New Christine - LA Times sports reporter comes out as TS
In his article here, Mike Penner of the Los Angeles Times wrote today that he will be taking a vacation and coming back as Christine Daniels.
Not only do I applaud Mike Penner for his bravery in finally coming out of hiding and enlightening the world as he does so, but his column was so wonderful and well written.
I'm thrilled that the LA Times is so supportive, and is planning on welcoming Christine with open arms. In a few weeks, Christine will be living Claire's dream--being her true self at last.
God speed, Christine, we look forward to your debut!
Not only do I applaud Mike Penner for his bravery in finally coming out of hiding and enlightening the world as he does so, but his column was so wonderful and well written.
I'm thrilled that the LA Times is so supportive, and is planning on welcoming Christine with open arms. In a few weeks, Christine will be living Claire's dream--being her true self at last.
God speed, Christine, we look forward to your debut!
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Fire...(sing with me now)
So, the last two days I have spent my non-job time on a big fire scene. We've been battling a forest fire that has been devouring acres around the scattered subdivisions near our home. I can't get the smell of smoke out of my hair, all I can taste is ash, and I feel great. Our department is great. We lost no structures and nobody got hurt. About 300 acres was lost though. Forestry allowed a lot of underbrush to burn as we made sure it didn't jump roads and endanger houses. We did have to evacuate quite a few homes, but all was good in the end.
I saw my friend from the forestry agency tonight, exhausted but happy. He thinks they finally have it under control. They better, cause I want a quiet night with my Claire tomorrow ;)
Meanwhile, at the house, I missed Claire's big payoff from laser torture--I mean treatment--while I was at the scene. Apparently she started shedding hairs tonight. I'm pretty bummed I missed it, but I'm glad I worked the fire tonight, as we were fairly short on staff.
So, her face is so soft and smooth now after her shave. I would say it's kissable but I got a "go take a shower stinky" reaction when I got home, so I didn't get to try the kissable test yet. NOT that I blame her, I reek of smoke. Although I still see some hair under the skin, and she had to shave a lot still, she's never had a shave this smooth. It's pretty exciting. I'm hoping she'll have fantastic results. She's a sweetie and it hurt like hell, so I'm crossing my fingers for her.
Tomorrow we'll try applying normal makeup instead of Dermablend and see how it does. I can't wait!
I saw my friend from the forestry agency tonight, exhausted but happy. He thinks they finally have it under control. They better, cause I want a quiet night with my Claire tomorrow ;)
Meanwhile, at the house, I missed Claire's big payoff from laser torture--I mean treatment--while I was at the scene. Apparently she started shedding hairs tonight. I'm pretty bummed I missed it, but I'm glad I worked the fire tonight, as we were fairly short on staff.
So, her face is so soft and smooth now after her shave. I would say it's kissable but I got a "go take a shower stinky" reaction when I got home, so I didn't get to try the kissable test yet. NOT that I blame her, I reek of smoke. Although I still see some hair under the skin, and she had to shave a lot still, she's never had a shave this smooth. It's pretty exciting. I'm hoping she'll have fantastic results. She's a sweetie and it hurt like hell, so I'm crossing my fingers for her.
Tomorrow we'll try applying normal makeup instead of Dermablend and see how it does. I can't wait!
Friday, April 13, 2007
Steve Stanton's appearance on Larry King Live
Well, it is official. Steve Stanton will not sue Largo, but will be an advocate instead.
Although it would have been great to see the 11th Circuit deal with this before we have to face possible legal battles, I am very glad to know that Steve will be using his story to help raise awareness.
I do wonder if Claire's bosses watched the show tonight. If they did watch, did they connect the dots? Did they see Steve Stanton and think about Claire's nails, hair, voice, etc.? I guess we'll find out.
Once again, a big thanks to the National Center for Lesbian Rights for all they do to help transsexuals. And thanks, Larry King, for being really decent in your interview.
Metta,
Annie
Although it would have been great to see the 11th Circuit deal with this before we have to face possible legal battles, I am very glad to know that Steve will be using his story to help raise awareness.
I do wonder if Claire's bosses watched the show tonight. If they did watch, did they connect the dots? Did they see Steve Stanton and think about Claire's nails, hair, voice, etc.? I guess we'll find out.
Once again, a big thanks to the National Center for Lesbian Rights for all they do to help transsexuals. And thanks, Larry King, for being really decent in your interview.
Metta,
Annie
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Transfigurations
Claire is experiencing an in-between stage right now.
It is quite beautiful. As she lounges around the house in the evening, she wears white linen drawstring pants and a soft pink t-shirt showing the womanly shape that is developing. Her bare feet--that she was always ashamed to show before transition--show polished nails and a dainty anklet. The ever present smile that lights her eyes warms my heart.
The contrast of this with the beard shadow that is lingering from the laser treatment does a funny little disconnect in my brain that just makes me stop and ponder her. She shines with an amazing beauty as she really settles into being herself. It is very amazing to watch the transformation to her true self, both from a scientific point of view and as her spouse.
I think that transition has, so far, been a very emotional process for me. I have seen an unhappy, self-loathing spouse bust out of a coccoon and spread her wings. It doesn't take much for me to flash back and remember the lost and depressed shell that she used to be.
There is something in the eyes of those that have transitioned. I've seen it in many photographs. A deep sense that they are truly at home in their new skin. Sometimes playful, mostly serene. Their new bodies may not ever be "perfect" having suffered the ravages of puberty with the wrong hormones, but it is the right skin, and it is perfect on them.
I'm apparently not the only one that sees this. There is an absolutely amazing slide show here. Jana Marcus has done an amazing job of photographing transmen and transwomen. Jana really captures that something that I try to hard to describe. Please take a moment and visit. It will be worth your time.
Metta,
Annie
It is quite beautiful. As she lounges around the house in the evening, she wears white linen drawstring pants and a soft pink t-shirt showing the womanly shape that is developing. Her bare feet--that she was always ashamed to show before transition--show polished nails and a dainty anklet. The ever present smile that lights her eyes warms my heart.
The contrast of this with the beard shadow that is lingering from the laser treatment does a funny little disconnect in my brain that just makes me stop and ponder her. She shines with an amazing beauty as she really settles into being herself. It is very amazing to watch the transformation to her true self, both from a scientific point of view and as her spouse.
I think that transition has, so far, been a very emotional process for me. I have seen an unhappy, self-loathing spouse bust out of a coccoon and spread her wings. It doesn't take much for me to flash back and remember the lost and depressed shell that she used to be.
There is something in the eyes of those that have transitioned. I've seen it in many photographs. A deep sense that they are truly at home in their new skin. Sometimes playful, mostly serene. Their new bodies may not ever be "perfect" having suffered the ravages of puberty with the wrong hormones, but it is the right skin, and it is perfect on them.
I'm apparently not the only one that sees this. There is an absolutely amazing slide show here. Jana Marcus has done an amazing job of photographing transmen and transwomen. Jana really captures that something that I try to hard to describe. Please take a moment and visit. It will be worth your time.
Metta,
Annie
Monday, April 9, 2007
Liar, Liar
So, they say lightning doesn't strike in the same place twice.
They Lied!
Lightning struck about 200 times ........ on my face.
I don't want to say that having my first laser hair removal session was painfull, I really don't want to say it. But it hurt like hell, like hell was opening it's gates and shooting me in the face two hundred times with electrified bolts of pure pain.
Yeah, I hear you, I'm a wuss.
But this wuss managed to lay/shake through the whole damn session, like the Rebel Alliance taking out the DeathStar.
Surprisingly I was fairly calm on the drive in and while waiting my turn to be tortured, umm, I mean treated.
I expected it to hurt but apparently my research on the removal of facial hair failed to show that having a lot of coarse dark hair on the face and neck would result in my being zapped by rejected/failed Star Wars missile defense system that apparently was procured from eBay (thanks a lot Google). (Just kidding, I'm sure the machines were purchased from the proper sources).
On the plus side the fact that I was able to go and have the session at all is a tribute to the hormones coursing through my veins and that I am actually enjoying the result of my lungs breathing air in and out these days.
1 session down only 5-8 to go.
I can do this, no I can! Seriously ... well..... one zap erm session at a time and thankfully it's not for another 9 weeks.
GULP!
They Lied!
Lightning struck about 200 times ........ on my face.
I don't want to say that having my first laser hair removal session was painfull, I really don't want to say it. But it hurt like hell, like hell was opening it's gates and shooting me in the face two hundred times with electrified bolts of pure pain.
Yeah, I hear you, I'm a wuss.
But this wuss managed to lay/shake through the whole damn session, like the Rebel Alliance taking out the DeathStar.
Surprisingly I was fairly calm on the drive in and while waiting my turn to be tortured, umm, I mean treated.
I expected it to hurt but apparently my research on the removal of facial hair failed to show that having a lot of coarse dark hair on the face and neck would result in my being zapped by rejected/failed Star Wars missile defense system that apparently was procured from eBay (thanks a lot Google). (Just kidding, I'm sure the machines were purchased from the proper sources).
On the plus side the fact that I was able to go and have the session at all is a tribute to the hormones coursing through my veins and that I am actually enjoying the result of my lungs breathing air in and out these days.
1 session down only 5-8 to go.
I can do this, no I can! Seriously ... well..... one zap erm session at a time and thankfully it's not for another 9 weeks.
GULP!
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Nobody can hold a candle to my Claire...
Nobody can hold a candle to my Claire... mostly because she'd probably scream and run the opposite direction. Today was the day to visit our wonderful friend Ted and get our hair done. It was also a trip to get more hairs pulled from Claire's eyebrows via hot wax.
Let me just say that I am so happy that I have invisible eyebrows. I don't have very full eyebrows. Since mine are almost the color of my skin, so I've never bothered to trim them. This afternoon I walked into the room to see how she was doing while Ted was torturing her. Her poor eyes were swelling. She was taking it in stride though.
After having her eyebrows waxed and plucked, Ted colored her hair. He didn't really change the color because he used a demi-permanent. What Claire received, basically, was a chocolate brown gloss that hid her (not so many) gray hairs. She looks fabulous. It's a small change, but a significant one when she looks in the mirror. We can't set the clock back to puberty for her, but we can at least help her roll back a few years and teach her the tricks we women employ to look younger.
Well, while we were at Ted's studio in his house, his roommate came in. Claire is "out" to Ted, but we hadn't anticipated his roommate coming home. Claire stood there with her hair styled obviously feminine, and freshly waxed eyebrows. Ted's roommate introduced himself to Claire, and she froze. She didn't know what name to say. It was definitely a deer in headlights type of moment. We'll have to work on that :)
Metta,
Annie
Let me just say that I am so happy that I have invisible eyebrows. I don't have very full eyebrows. Since mine are almost the color of my skin, so I've never bothered to trim them. This afternoon I walked into the room to see how she was doing while Ted was torturing her. Her poor eyes were swelling. She was taking it in stride though.
After having her eyebrows waxed and plucked, Ted colored her hair. He didn't really change the color because he used a demi-permanent. What Claire received, basically, was a chocolate brown gloss that hid her (not so many) gray hairs. She looks fabulous. It's a small change, but a significant one when she looks in the mirror. We can't set the clock back to puberty for her, but we can at least help her roll back a few years and teach her the tricks we women employ to look younger.
Well, while we were at Ted's studio in his house, his roommate came in. Claire is "out" to Ted, but we hadn't anticipated his roommate coming home. Claire stood there with her hair styled obviously feminine, and freshly waxed eyebrows. Ted's roommate introduced himself to Claire, and she froze. She didn't know what name to say. It was definitely a deer in headlights type of moment. We'll have to work on that :)
Metta,
Annie
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Really cool doctors, HR, and family reaction to Steve Stanton
Claire came out to our chiropractor today. We see her at least once a month, and she's really great. It's a lot of fun to go see her, as she has a great sense of humor. A couple of visits ago, some joking went on that led to Claire getting close to the truth, laughing and saying "Oh, I prefer to be called Claire." Last visit, Claire said "it's the meds" in response to something the doc said, and I started laughing so hard I cried. I think she thought we were talking about illegal drugs or something. Yikes.
We decided it might be time for disclosure, as the changes from the hormones are starting to get noticeable. So Claire emailed her and let her know the situation, and sent her here. So, doc, you know who you are, if we don't get a call cancelling our appointment we'll assume we can still come back ;)
On the job front, apparently our HR person has been watching the Stanton issue still. When I called him about something else, Mr. Jones asked me how his "friend" is. I said she was fine, nervous and scared, but okay.
Mr. Jones then went on to tell me that he had been speaking to people in our agency and another agency he is involved with, and found that discussing Stanton's issues with them didn't come back as negative as he thought.
He seems to think it is time to start laying the groundwork for making our agency "trans friendly" by subtle means. He knows Claire wants to stay stealth and had planned to quit before transitioning. He expressed concern about losing a good employee, and asked if we'd stay on if there was a way to make it easier on her. I told him that we would love to stick around as we like the agency we work for.
He's looked around and realized that with over a thousand employees we certainly must have some GLBT employees. I know of one employee that makes no secret that he is gay. He expressed concern that there doesn't seem to be a place for employees to have a support group. I explained that we couldn't attend a group without outing ourselves, and although our agency has no problem with gay and lesbian employees, trans employees are the big new scary step.
So his plan is to start conversing with department heads about what the county needs to know about trans employees. When he gets to the department Claire works for, he's going to report back to Claire what the "climate" is like there from a supervisor. He assured me he was actively working on a plan, and to let Claire know "he's got our backs." Hoo boy, I sure hope so.
My mom, who lives in the area that Steve Stanton was just fired from, spoke to me about the firing. She was really upset and asked how they could get away with blatant discrimination like that. She really couldn't understand it. I can't either, really. I know she worries about us, and the Largo 5 sure aren't helping.
To Steve/Susan - I know you didn't intend to become such a poster child for your disorder, but I have to say thank you for appealing the decision. I hope you let the groundswell of support you have received carry your case to court and hopefully get the 11th Circuit Supremes thinking about human rights.
Metta
Annie
We decided it might be time for disclosure, as the changes from the hormones are starting to get noticeable. So Claire emailed her and let her know the situation, and sent her here. So, doc, you know who you are, if we don't get a call cancelling our appointment we'll assume we can still come back ;)
On the job front, apparently our HR person has been watching the Stanton issue still. When I called him about something else, Mr. Jones asked me how his "friend" is. I said she was fine, nervous and scared, but okay.
Mr. Jones then went on to tell me that he had been speaking to people in our agency and another agency he is involved with, and found that discussing Stanton's issues with them didn't come back as negative as he thought.
He seems to think it is time to start laying the groundwork for making our agency "trans friendly" by subtle means. He knows Claire wants to stay stealth and had planned to quit before transitioning. He expressed concern about losing a good employee, and asked if we'd stay on if there was a way to make it easier on her. I told him that we would love to stick around as we like the agency we work for.
He's looked around and realized that with over a thousand employees we certainly must have some GLBT employees. I know of one employee that makes no secret that he is gay. He expressed concern that there doesn't seem to be a place for employees to have a support group. I explained that we couldn't attend a group without outing ourselves, and although our agency has no problem with gay and lesbian employees, trans employees are the big new scary step.
So his plan is to start conversing with department heads about what the county needs to know about trans employees. When he gets to the department Claire works for, he's going to report back to Claire what the "climate" is like there from a supervisor. He assured me he was actively working on a plan, and to let Claire know "he's got our backs." Hoo boy, I sure hope so.
My mom, who lives in the area that Steve Stanton was just fired from, spoke to me about the firing. She was really upset and asked how they could get away with blatant discrimination like that. She really couldn't understand it. I can't either, really. I know she worries about us, and the Largo 5 sure aren't helping.
To Steve/Susan - I know you didn't intend to become such a poster child for your disorder, but I have to say thank you for appealing the decision. I hope you let the groundswell of support you have received carry your case to court and hopefully get the 11th Circuit Supremes thinking about human rights.
Metta
Annie
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Barretts and Bronzers?
Three years ago, Claire and I celebrated our anniversary by going to the Eastman Gun Show in our city. We bought each other gorgeous new handguns. I bought a Taurus Millennium (.40) and she bought a Taurus PT-940, also a .40. We then spent the day at the range blowing through boxes of ammo. It was a very fun and non-traditional anniversary.Yesterday, we were cruising into town to go see the nice people at Ideal Image and get a quote on laser treatment to remove Claire's facial hair when we saw the sign. A gun show was in a nearby town this weekend. She looked at it and giggled, and said we should go. I rolled my eyes and said no, we have good guns. She fell silent for a couple of minutes and then said "But nothing says feminine like a Barrett .50 caliber and a nice red lipstick..."
*Sigh*
We found Ideal Image and went inside. Claire was dressed fairly androgynous again, with a long sleeve white OCC t-shirt, women's jeans, belt, tennis shoes, and watch. She had let her beard grow out for a couple of days so they could see how much grey there was. I can't tell you how weird it is for me to see her with 2 days worth of facial hair. We went in and started filling in the paperwork, and turned into giggling kids. First there was "Male or Female" on the form. Claire put a slash through male, marking it and making a statement at the same time. Then, the section about current medications. I walked up to the counter and verified that this was indeed covered by HIPAA. It was, so she noted the anti-androgen and the estrogen and progesterone patch she uses. Nothing like having to out yourself to send you into a giggling fit.
So, my dearest Claire is scheduled for her first laser hair removal session two weeks from now. I'm hoping she doesn't get too nervous between now and then. I really am looking forward to the day she can wake up, put on some light makeup and go out without having a time limit before hair starts showing up again.
Annie
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Big bang theory of transness...
Friedrich Nietzsche once wrote "You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star."
There have been so many times in my life when things would feel so overwhelming, so chaotic that I thought I could never get a grasp on them. I feel at this point that I am finally comfortable being my true self, and I like the person I have become. Claire, on the other hand, is feeling the pressure of the chaos closing in.
Looking at everything that is facing her in the next two years, that dreaded pink tornado, is a bit overwhelming. In trying to kill part of herself off, to silence the voice of "Claire", she really did a number on herself. It has manifested itself in severe anxieties concerning doctors and dentists. Thankfully, these anxieties are fading enough for her to face the barrage of things that go along with transition: laser hair removal followed by electrolysis, bloodwork, frequent trips to the doctor for checkups. The anxieties have faded a bit, but certainly are not gone. She is working through them, and showing great courage. I'm proud of her.
In addition, she must deal with immigration and job issues. We are having trouble finding anyone that knows if there will be implications for a permanent resident going through transition. The fear of job loss is a constant weight. All of this adds up to an overwhelming amount of chaos and pressure.
She's still doing great so far, despite the chaos. She still wakes up happy, sings in the car, and is as rotten and mischievous as ever. Saturday, an absolutely incredible day together of being out in public with "the real Claire", gave me a glimpse of the star she is destined to become. As long as she can hang tough through all of this, I think she'll be amazed at just how awesome life really can be.
Metta,
Annie
There have been so many times in my life when things would feel so overwhelming, so chaotic that I thought I could never get a grasp on them. I feel at this point that I am finally comfortable being my true self, and I like the person I have become. Claire, on the other hand, is feeling the pressure of the chaos closing in.
Looking at everything that is facing her in the next two years, that dreaded pink tornado, is a bit overwhelming. In trying to kill part of herself off, to silence the voice of "Claire", she really did a number on herself. It has manifested itself in severe anxieties concerning doctors and dentists. Thankfully, these anxieties are fading enough for her to face the barrage of things that go along with transition: laser hair removal followed by electrolysis, bloodwork, frequent trips to the doctor for checkups. The anxieties have faded a bit, but certainly are not gone. She is working through them, and showing great courage. I'm proud of her.
In addition, she must deal with immigration and job issues. We are having trouble finding anyone that knows if there will be implications for a permanent resident going through transition. The fear of job loss is a constant weight. All of this adds up to an overwhelming amount of chaos and pressure.
She's still doing great so far, despite the chaos. She still wakes up happy, sings in the car, and is as rotten and mischievous as ever. Saturday, an absolutely incredible day together of being out in public with "the real Claire", gave me a glimpse of the star she is destined to become. As long as she can hang tough through all of this, I think she'll be amazed at just how awesome life really can be.
Metta,
Annie
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
From the ashes...
We're hitting anniversary #6 this Friday. When we first got married, I certainly never saw this as where we'd be right now.
It's quite funny to me how many times in our life together the Phoenix has presented itself. In volunteer issues, in work, in books we love. I don't recall ever having the image of a Phoenix embedded in my conscience before marrying my beloved, but now the symbol of rebirth through fire is everywhere I look.
I guess our marriage has gone through - and is staged to go through - a transformation not dissimilar to that of the Phoenix. I'm sure that we will face many things that will turn up the heat on us as we go through this change and emerge out the other side as a new dynamic.
I hear a lot of spouses lament the losses they have felt. I admit I have had a couple of moments, albeit fleeting. Typically, others report the big things: voice, looks, sex, name, status quo. Mine tend to center around silly stuff, like realizing that a pet nickname I used to call her is no longer appropriate, since it is based on the male name. Another one was picking up an old article of clothing that I thought looked cute in the old days and pausing for a moment before adding it to a pile for charity. I liken it to how I feel when I see something from Kiddo's childhood, and realize she's all grown up now and in the military.
What I find funny is that I experience these minor pangs even though you couldn't pay me enough to shove Claire back into that closet. James really was a miserable soul, argumentative and illogical at times and sometimes downright unreasonable. Yet that little spark of Claire would surface on a regular basis, and I would make contact with my soulmate, buried way down deep. I guess that this is probably one of the reasons that I feel so positive about transition.
Ever since I was 12, I have railed against society for pressuring people into hiding or making them feel inferior, and transgendered folk are definitely one o the groups still greatly suppressed right now. I hate that she lost so many years of her life in hiding, and that I couldn't see her shine from the beginning of our marriage. I look forward to watching her discover life as her true self, free from the skin of the wrong gender.
So, I guess what I am saying is that we stand on the brink of this anniversary seeing the flaming hoops behind us and ahead of us and we make our way through this transition. As I do so, I sense a kinship with the Phoenix. I do not mourn my marriage, or the loss of James. I cherish the rebirth of my marriage in this new dynamic, and I celebrate the emergence of my soulmate.
In case you're wondering - this is our anniversary present to each another: Soulmate rings from hrc.org. What better way than to celebrate this special anniversary than with a reaffirmation of our love as we are now as our true selves, while supporting such a good cause.
May you find love and happiness in your life,
Annie
It's quite funny to me how many times in our life together the Phoenix has presented itself. In volunteer issues, in work, in books we love. I don't recall ever having the image of a Phoenix embedded in my conscience before marrying my beloved, but now the symbol of rebirth through fire is everywhere I look.
I guess our marriage has gone through - and is staged to go through - a transformation not dissimilar to that of the Phoenix. I'm sure that we will face many things that will turn up the heat on us as we go through this change and emerge out the other side as a new dynamic.
I hear a lot of spouses lament the losses they have felt. I admit I have had a couple of moments, albeit fleeting. Typically, others report the big things: voice, looks, sex, name, status quo. Mine tend to center around silly stuff, like realizing that a pet nickname I used to call her is no longer appropriate, since it is based on the male name. Another one was picking up an old article of clothing that I thought looked cute in the old days and pausing for a moment before adding it to a pile for charity. I liken it to how I feel when I see something from Kiddo's childhood, and realize she's all grown up now and in the military.
What I find funny is that I experience these minor pangs even though you couldn't pay me enough to shove Claire back into that closet. James really was a miserable soul, argumentative and illogical at times and sometimes downright unreasonable. Yet that little spark of Claire would surface on a regular basis, and I would make contact with my soulmate, buried way down deep. I guess that this is probably one of the reasons that I feel so positive about transition.
Ever since I was 12, I have railed against society for pressuring people into hiding or making them feel inferior, and transgendered folk are definitely one o the groups still greatly suppressed right now. I hate that she lost so many years of her life in hiding, and that I couldn't see her shine from the beginning of our marriage. I look forward to watching her discover life as her true self, free from the skin of the wrong gender.
So, I guess what I am saying is that we stand on the brink of this anniversary seeing the flaming hoops behind us and ahead of us and we make our way through this transition. As I do so, I sense a kinship with the Phoenix. I do not mourn my marriage, or the loss of James. I cherish the rebirth of my marriage in this new dynamic, and I celebrate the emergence of my soulmate.
In case you're wondering - this is our anniversary present to each another: Soulmate rings from hrc.org. What better way than to celebrate this special anniversary than with a reaffirmation of our love as we are now as our true selves, while supporting such a good cause.
May you find love and happiness in your life,
Annie
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Mama don't take my kodachrome away...
Claire is now in possession of a Sony Alpha 100 camera. She's a happy shutterbug. We had read a review on Circuit City's website about one downfall of this camera being blurry sports shots. Let's just say that speeding german sherpherds are captured with perfect clarity, so we're thrilled with the camera's ability to take motion shots. However, I am now convinced my dog is a freak of nature, since we can't catch him with either of his two front feet on the ground. We each claim one of the dogs as our own, although of course we love them both. Mine is a complete goober.
She is stashing some of her pictures here: http://www.justclaire.net/gallery2/main.php. The pictures in the Misc folder were taken in a car at 60 MPH. Pretty impressive camera :)
Claire decided she wanted to get some shots of them running, so I squatted down and called Claire's dog to me. He ran up to me, than turned and ran back and gave some great pictures. Then it was my dog's turn. He runs straight at me and comes to the edge of safe stopping distance and doesn't slow down. I laugh and jump up right before he plows over me, narrowly avoiding a solid collision. Of course, Claire has now immortalized the face I made right before impact. It's pretty damned funny, if I must say so myself. An 80 pound shepherd torpedo, ouch.
The pictures all came out great. Claire has a good eye and is having fun. That's the important thing. I have a hobby of my own, I make jewelry using silver sheet and silver wire. I'm glad she has something she can really enjoy, and maybe this might grow into a "Claire's Photo Studio" down the road. That would be cool. If nothing else, I have someone to take gorgeous pictures of our life together.
Metta,
Annie
She is stashing some of her pictures here: http://www.justclaire.net/gallery2/main.php. The pictures in the Misc folder were taken in a car at 60 MPH. Pretty impressive camera :)
Claire decided she wanted to get some shots of them running, so I squatted down and called Claire's dog to me. He ran up to me, than turned and ran back and gave some great pictures. Then it was my dog's turn. He runs straight at me and comes to the edge of safe stopping distance and doesn't slow down. I laugh and jump up right before he plows over me, narrowly avoiding a solid collision. Of course, Claire has now immortalized the face I made right before impact. It's pretty damned funny, if I must say so myself. An 80 pound shepherd torpedo, ouch.
The pictures all came out great. Claire has a good eye and is having fun. That's the important thing. I have a hobby of my own, I make jewelry using silver sheet and silver wire. I'm glad she has something she can really enjoy, and maybe this might grow into a "Claire's Photo Studio" down the road. That would be cool. If nothing else, I have someone to take gorgeous pictures of our life together.
Metta,
Annie
Friday, March 9, 2007
"Infamy, infamy, they've all got it in for me"*
As you can tell I don't write that much, but I have been planning a lot.
This month includes those wonderful delights of going to get eyebrows waxed (Yippee!), the first visit to a laser hair removal clinic for a consultation (boy am I looking forward to that? not!), and a trip to the therapist to see if I am still acting like a normal (?) human being. Yeah, normal, that's me. LOL.
Also as stated earlier it's also my birthday & luckily enough it's also patch day!!!
*title taken from ..Carry on Cleo
This month includes those wonderful delights of going to get eyebrows waxed (Yippee!), the first visit to a laser hair removal clinic for a consultation (boy am I looking forward to that? not!), and a trip to the therapist to see if I am still acting like a normal (?) human being. Yeah, normal, that's me. LOL.
Also as stated earlier it's also my birthday & luckily enough it's also patch day!!!
*title taken from ..Carry on Cleo
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Holy pink tornado, Batgirl!
Claire was chatting last night about an idea for her new profession. She has always loved photography and would like to perhaps try to find a way to transition into that field when she does the "big" transition. Neither of us really likes what we do for a living, but we're good at it. My idea was this: since her history is as male in this field and she hates it anyway, and since we're moving to the Pacific Northwest and starting fresh, why not allow Claire to establish a new field as her proper persona?
Our plan is to let her get established for a couple of years while I (having climbed my way up to some pretty damn good job skills) carry us as the steady income. Once she gets established and I've finished my own soul searching about what I want to do when I grow up, I might switch. I might not though. My career path isn't really overly demanding, pays good money, and if I can get into the government sector can be very steady work with good benefits. It does afford me extra money for my hobbies. I guess I'll have to see what I decide to do as my dream job.
So, we're in the throes of the "Tell HR or Don't Tell HR" dilemma, and we didn't sleep well last night. This morning we were both kind of tired and cranky, which didn't last too terribly long. We're really good friends so it's hard to stay snarky before one of us will start laughing. After a morning of feeding the dogs, getting dressed, feeding ourselves, making lunches, slugging down coffee and trying to pry our eyes open in 30 minutes flat, we get in the car for our morning carpool.
Last night we were saying we should put the camera gear in the car and if we see something snap-worthy while in commute, we'll be prepared. Well, we forgot. And this morning we're driving along and looking at the clear blue sky with one solitary cloud breaking up the expanse. It's in the shape of a tornado. A big one. A bit lower and black and we'd have turned and run for cover.
Now I don't know how many of you have heard the analogy that transition is like a tornado leaving devastation in it's wake, but we certainly have no problem envisioning it. This morning, with our own personal tornado warning, we both looked at the tornado in the sky and giggled. Then we both notice that due to the sunrise the cloud is most definitely, unequivocally, colored PINK. Can you get any more ominous than that?
*Sigh*
Needless to say, we cracked up laughing. That damn tornado was in the sky the whole way to work. As we approached, the angle stayed consistent so that no matter which direction we were heading, it looked like it was pointing directly over her place of employment. As it turned out, the HR person was out today so we have another 24 hours to fret. But the camera will most assuredly go in the car tomorrow.
Our plan is to let her get established for a couple of years while I (having climbed my way up to some pretty damn good job skills) carry us as the steady income. Once she gets established and I've finished my own soul searching about what I want to do when I grow up, I might switch. I might not though. My career path isn't really overly demanding, pays good money, and if I can get into the government sector can be very steady work with good benefits. It does afford me extra money for my hobbies. I guess I'll have to see what I decide to do as my dream job.
So, we're in the throes of the "Tell HR or Don't Tell HR" dilemma, and we didn't sleep well last night. This morning we were both kind of tired and cranky, which didn't last too terribly long. We're really good friends so it's hard to stay snarky before one of us will start laughing. After a morning of feeding the dogs, getting dressed, feeding ourselves, making lunches, slugging down coffee and trying to pry our eyes open in 30 minutes flat, we get in the car for our morning carpool.
Last night we were saying we should put the camera gear in the car and if we see something snap-worthy while in commute, we'll be prepared. Well, we forgot. And this morning we're driving along and looking at the clear blue sky with one solitary cloud breaking up the expanse. It's in the shape of a tornado. A big one. A bit lower and black and we'd have turned and run for cover.
Now I don't know how many of you have heard the analogy that transition is like a tornado leaving devastation in it's wake, but we certainly have no problem envisioning it. This morning, with our own personal tornado warning, we both looked at the tornado in the sky and giggled. Then we both notice that due to the sunrise the cloud is most definitely, unequivocally, colored PINK. Can you get any more ominous than that?
*Sigh*
Needless to say, we cracked up laughing. That damn tornado was in the sky the whole way to work. As we approached, the angle stayed consistent so that no matter which direction we were heading, it looked like it was pointing directly over her place of employment. As it turned out, the HR person was out today so we have another 24 hours to fret. But the camera will most assuredly go in the car tomorrow.
Saturday, March 3, 2007
Ch-ch-changes...
I am still receiving emails from the post I made on Howard Troxler's blog. I received one this morning that really touched me.
Jessie said "I know what it's like. I hid from my family for six years, and only when I started feeling suicidal did I realize that I couldn't run anymore, that I needed to transition. I'm nine months in, now, and I feel like I've been set free. The difference between who I am and who I was trying to be is like night and day, and I would imagine your S.O. either went or will go through a similar sense of liberation. It's like a huge weight being lifted."
I wanted to address this fully. I kind of summarized in my post on the Troxler blog, but it goes really deep. In my story below, I will refer to her as James for two reasons. One, because that's who she was to me at that point, and two, because there was so much pain involved that right now I just want to separate it out from who she is today. Although legally and to her employer, she is still "James", she is 100% Claire to me and to herself.
Claire was one of these people that survived her condition by putting up a self described "brick wall" around her heart. She suppressed her real self so deeply that she actually can't remember years of her life, due to walking around in robot mode. When you inject such a massive dose of Novocain into your soul, it really affects you.
We actually met online, both volunteering with a group that assisted law enforcement agencies hunt down online child predators and help people that were being cyber stalked. James and I spent countless hours chatting online as we worked talking to victims or gathering evidence. James mostly was advocating for women who were being stalked in real life by people they met online. I was mostly in the pits of the child porn peddlers, gathering information on their activities and putting reports together to send to their local law enforcement agencies. James and I both were able to survive this work mostly because of our abilities to shut down feelings.
James was in a different country. He was talking to me about always wanting to visit
My daughter and I met him at the airport. I saw this extremely tired, skinny "guy" depart the plane. We went over to pick up James from customs, and soon I was able to take him home with us. Well, let's just say that it was quickly confirmed that I was deeply in love with this wonderful best friend of mine. Let's also just say he never made it to the other host family stops. I kidnapped him :)
As we started to make a life together, I could always see the spark of the wonderful soul that was there, but I also saw other things that troubled me. I saw someone that would pass a mirror and refuse to look into it, or that when he did, would get depressed. I saw so much self-loathing that it hurt me badly. No matter what I said, no matter how much I made it clear that I loved him, it never made a dent. A deep sense of depression just always seemed to be there. Sometimes we would fight over illogical behavior that he would have, like being angry about something and wanting a solution that just wasn't there, like one issue over a used car we had purchased. I just chalked it up to not understanding how things worked over here as far as consumer rights were concerned, but in hindsight depression has a lot of ways it shows itself.
The depression really started to get to me. I started to ask him to please get help. A commercial for anti-depressants would come on and it would make me feel so helpless that I myself would cry. Nightmares started, with James being in a black pool of quicksand and me trying to hang on to his hand for dear life, with him slipping out of my grip and submerging before I would wake up in terror. My love never abated, but I honestly started to wonder if I could take it much longer if he didn't get help. I am part Buddhist. I have no exact religion except that I take bits of the philosophy from several religions and meld them. Unitarian churches have always fit me well. The part of Buddhism that I love is that you learn tools that give you the ability to cope with pain and depression, and I found that I could rebound quickly, but it was starting to get harder to keep myself and James up too.
Physically, the depression was manifesting itself as well. James had never been able to get a good night's sleep. Severe anxiety over doctors, dentists and needles would cause him to suffer in pain or misery because he just wouldn't go.
Well, when James approached me with the concept of dressing as a woman, I had no problem with it. I had a transgender roommate in college, so it was no big thing. It started small and then little revelation after revelation came out. Soon James was wearing a skirt in the evenings ("They are so comfortable") and stockings ("I just like them, don't know why"). He seemed more relaxed, less anxious about things.
Then, one night we were watching a show about women that lived with cross-dressing husbands. These husbands went the whole 9 yards, wig, makeup, a femme name, etc. My spouse I was cuddled up to while we watched was so obviously tense. I sat up, looked at "him" and asked him point blank if that was the level he needed to go to. I got a look I could only describe as a cornered animal look, fear and flight in his beautiful eyes. I could see this internal struggle to say yes and fear to do so plain as day. I assured him it was okay, really. A meek answer in the affirmative was returned and I remember saying "okay, we'll get some more stuff for you". Then I asked my poor petrified spouse if there was a name "he" identified with. He kind of shook his head. After the show, after some quiet reflection time while doing typical chore stuff my beloved came up to me and quietly said "Claire."
(note. I will now switch genders back to referring to her as Claire)
We sat down that night and went online to look at wigs. Claire found one she really liked but wasn't ready to venture out and try one on. There was a wig store down the street from my office, so I went and picked one up for her. That night, she spent some time dressing completely. She admitted she'd never had the opportunity to dress completely as she'd never had privacy where she lived in
So we lived like that for a while. She would come home, take off her boy uniform, and switch to female stuff. She was happier, more relaxed, but it was obvious something was still deeply troubling her. Then, finally, she just broke down and admitted the whole story. I listened, slightly stunned at the level of suppression she had to do, but overall, I admit I was relieved. So much about her now made sense. She was so good with female victims because really, she was one. And suddenly, the light shone through the depression. She was dead inside because she tried to kill that part of herself for so long.
I never felt deceived. I don’t blame her for introducing this topic in steps to me either. I can’t imagine the fear that she felt upon trying to tell me. We started therapy. It was rough at first because the therapist seemed to have a hard time dealing with that fact that I was truly as okay with this as I purported to be. But we stuck through it and found a wonderful doctor here in town that has treated many transsexuals to handle hormones for her. She’s a lovely, warm, earth mother type of doctor. She’s a D.O., which I’ve always enjoyed using, and she’s delighting in Claire’s progress.
Just like Jessie's story at the beginning of this missive, I have to say that the difference in my partner is night and day. I have a happy, well adjusted partner now. She wakes up with a sparkle in her eye, a zest for life, and an anticipation approaching a kid at Christmas as she peeks down her shirt to see what progress has been made overnight. She sleeps soundly at night. Her anxieties are abating. She looks in the mirror with a sense of satisfaction with her body, even though she isn't "done" yet. She actually looked forward to Christmas for real for the first time ever this past year.
So when people ask me "How do you handle the changes in your transitioning spouse?", I have to say "With great joy."
Metta.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
